#1
Just something I jotted down in a few minutes. A bit different to what I've done recently.


They sit in a bar
with their talk of stars
and alibi generators
as I feel the burn
of the world turning slower
and coming to a stop.

They drink cocktails
and tell their tall tales
to ears unreceiving
of words so deceiving
to their wives and sons
and special ones.

As they buy another drink,
they forget to think
of the lives at home
waiting in the dark alone,
hoping for a sign
that you’re coming home tonight.

Shapes on the dancefloor;
at the bar, just one more
to sober up and head off,
“to get my head bitten off.”
Such a laugh; such a joke.
That man is one top bloke.

He’ll be shouted at tonight
and slam the door with no goodnight
as he leaves her on the stairs
shedding her tears in despair.

The children will comfort her
and she curses his name.
It’s always the same
in every culture in every home,
where men think of nothing but themselves.
#2
Nice piece of work

The first verse is alright even though it doesn't have the rhymning scheme the rest of the poem has.

Shapes on the dancefloor;
at the bar, just one more
to sober up and head off,
“to get my head bitten off.”
Such a laugh; such a joke.
That man is one top bloke.

This verse doesn't seem to fit in my opinion especially the two middle lines reading "To sober up and head off, 'to get my head bitten off.'" Doesn't make sense to me.

In the last verse:

The children will comfort her
and she curses his name.
It’s always the same
in every culture in every home,
where men think of nothing but themselves.

The line that reads "And she curses his name." Also doesn't flow with the rhythm you have.

Hope this helps Over all this is a real good poem
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#3
i lol'd at the ending.

this is a nice read. a very nice read. it felt silly... almost whimsical. but sadening, and secretly resentful at the same time.

you've captured so much with a little humour. it's awesome to read.
#4
Unfortunatly it's true.
The rhymn scheme in the first verse was off, and the fourth verse didn't make sense to me, but besides that, it was good.

Now Now children, no flaming.

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