#1
Been a while since my last piece. I've sort of lost all inspiration, and just want to see if I have anything left. Poem. c4c.


Now that it's been four years,
I feel that I should move in with you.
Our parents don't think so,
yours might, but my mom doesn't.
I could sleep in the basement,
and you up in your room.
We'd sneak around the house,
making sure not to wake your parents.

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
I haven't even asked if you want to make this commitment.
You did last week,
but your wants are always changing.
So I'll just come right out and ask,
"No."
Nothing more. Nothing less.
"Okay." I responded.
I put my phone down in the couch
to ensure I would lose my signal.
That way, I won't have to stay in touch with you.
I don't see the need.

You held up my expectations so high,
and your grasp was so strong.
I didn't think you'd ever let me fall
but here I am, lying face down in the sand.
How I got to this park, I don't know.
All I know is I'm not going to leave.
I don't see the need.

So I got up to leave,
and you pulled up the roundabout
and I stopped at the driver side window.
You rolled yours down and said,
"Get in."
I did, and you took me to my house.
I went straight for the couch,
got my phone, and regained service.
I got a text saying,
"Still no."
So I went on with my day,
like nothing ever happened.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
Follow me on Twitter
Last edited by brandon369852 at Dec 3, 2009,
#3
The last two lines are key to this piece. I enjoyed it, the only bit i wasn't too sure on was

"All I know is I'm not going to leave.
I don't see the need.

So I got up to leave"

I know its a new verse, but i still find the delivery of it a bit wierd. Good stuff overall!
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#4
This didn't feel focused at all. Content-wise, you pretty much stayed on track. But you keep changing tenses, even within a stanza. The context was unexplained; you expected us to get everything that was going on in the narrative with just a few scattered pieces. A couple little errors distracted me... see line 4 on stanza one and line four on the last one. Yours, not your's. Also your mom's not? Not what?
Revise, tighten, define the muscles of this poem. Make it dense. I can see it being really quite good with some editing.
#5
Quote by Hesh
This didn't feel focused at all. Content-wise, you pretty much stayed on track. But you keep changing tenses, even within a stanza. The context was unexplained; you expected us to get everything that was going on in the narrative with just a few scattered pieces. A couple little errors distracted me... see line 4 on stanza one and line four on the last one. Yours, not your's. Also your mom's not? Not what?
Revise, tighten, define the muscles of this poem. Make it dense. I can see it being really quite good with some editing.


I forgot about this piece. Thanks for bring attention to this. I can't believe I made those grammatical errors. Haha, thanks.

Oh, I just realized I changed it on Facebook. I guess I didn't care enough to do it here.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
Follow me on Twitter
Last edited by brandon369852 at Dec 3, 2009,