xKill_Em'_All
Banned
Join date: Jul 2009
140 IQ
#1
Never one to be held back or held down
I’ll fight this war until I die
I will achieve because my cause is just and my heart is strong
Anyone in my way I will I will DESTROY

And when men stand strong
There is no hope no
No hope for tyrants

Because I would rather die
Die for something I believe in
Then live in oppression


My determination brings you
ANNILATION

We we will not back down
We will stand tall
We will remain free and if I can’t I will die trying

I know this doesn't go here but i want some critque from real metalcore/hardcore fans
Last edited by xKill_Em'_All at Jul 23, 2009,
xKill_Em'_All
Banned
Join date: Jul 2009
140 IQ
#4
every song by every metalcore or hardcore band sounds the same its meant to give a very strong feeling or response i don't get when metalcore bands say something like that b/c the lyrics are always ''similar" like i said its the response or emotion you get when listening to it. Plus i think what makes my band different is the engry we bring.
xKill_Em'_All
Banned
Join date: Jul 2009
140 IQ
#6
ok fine elaborate b/c our singer just quit so this is my first time writing lyrics. Tell me what i can improve on do different. Also this isn't finish i just wrote this in like 30 minutes.
Last edited by xKill_Em'_All at Jul 23, 2009,
Frosted Flakes
┤╡
Join date: Nov 2008
360 IQ
#7
There's a songwriting forum you know
Just sayin

But to be on topic- I thought the lyrics were meh.. I can't really relate to them at all. And I strongly agree with cakeschmammert
Last edited by Frosted Flakes at Jul 23, 2009,
cakeschmammert
I AM THE JUDGE
Join date: Feb 2009
401 IQ
#8
Quote by xKill_Em'_All
every song by every metalcore or hardcore band sounds the same its meant to give a very strong feeling or response i don't get when metalcore bands say something like that b/c the lyrics are always ''similar" like i said its the response or emotion you get when listening to it. Plus i think what makes my band different is the engry we bring.


no, generic metalcore and hardcore sound the same.
that's what generic means.
xKill_Em'_All
Banned
Join date: Jul 2009
140 IQ
#9
Quote by cakeschmammert
no, generic metalcore and hardcore sound the same.
that's what generic means.


i wasn't talking about bands i was talking about lyrics
like i said im new at this so i would like any help
cakeschmammert
I AM THE JUDGE
Join date: Feb 2009
401 IQ
#10
in my opinion, i would say write songs about the things you feel strongly about, whether it's what the fans want to hear or not.
i mean obviously i don't know you, but i doubt that you're fighting any "war".
just be real.
xKill_Em'_All
Banned
Join date: Jul 2009
140 IQ
#11
no i saw a documentary on the history channel about dictators but you can't look at the word war so literally like metallica whole kill em' all album had war related lyrics
i play football and our songs are war or fighting related but there acutually about football or acutally fighting
brandon369852
Music for people and more
Join date: May 2007
853 IQ
#13
Yeah, I write. I'll go to the thread in S&L and post there.

Actually, I'll just post it here.


Quote by xKill_Em'_All
Never one to be held back or held down
I’ll fight this war until I die Cheesy. "I'll fight this war until I die" is bad mostly because it just sounds like poop. Try rewording it to be more edgy and not so boring.
I will achieve because my cause is just and my heart is strong "I will achieve because" is just a plain horrible way to start a line, in song or writing. It's needed to make the message clear, but it should start that way.
Anyone in my way I will I will DESTROY Did you mean for the double "I will" or was that accidental? In a metalcore song, if you did mean to, it would probably work.


And when men stand strong I would say "my men" instead just to make the message clearer.
There is no hope no Meant for the extra "no" at the end?
No hope for tyrants

Because I would rather die
Die for something I believe in I don't like the repetition of "die" at the beginning. Just pause after the first die, and continue on with this line.
Than live in oppression


My determination brings you
ANNILATION

We we will not back downDouble "we" wanted?
We will stand tall
We will remain free and if I can’t I will die trying Probably gang vox here, I'm sure you agree? Also, the entire last stanza is about "we", or a group of people, so you can't end the piece saying "if I can't I will die trying." It needs to be "if we can't, we will die trying" or something like that, you know?


Overall, I think it could be a good song, but it's so generic, and I doubt it actually means anything to you on a personal level, which sort of takes from the power and energy you could give this song. But good luck.

Hints for future writings: Reread your work, check for flow and mistakes; watch subject/verb agreement, along with time references(past/present/future); PERSONAL EXPERIENCES MAKE THE BEST WRITING.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
Follow me on Twitter
Last edited by brandon369852 at Jul 23, 2009,
xKill_Em'_All
Banned
Join date: Jul 2009
140 IQ
#15
thx for the help is it ok if i email a better version or a new song for some help
brandon369852
Music for people and more
Join date: May 2007
853 IQ
#16
Yeah, sure. I might not have time tonight, but I will help you out.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
Follow me on Twitter
xKill_Em'_All
Banned
Join date: Jul 2009
140 IQ
#17
nah not tonight but sometime ill definitly take ur advice r there any rules for writing songs like must follows in structure or anything like that
Last edited by xKill_Em'_All at Jul 24, 2009,