#1
Well I usually just write music for my band but I'm trying to contribute lyrics to speed things up. I worked on these a few days ago for like an hour and I like it but my thoughts are that I like it cause it's my creation.
I need help with this so if anyone can see where edits are needed please don't hold back on criticism. (Just don't flat out mock it)

Thanks!

Anxiously I await total darkness
For I can’t apprehend this fear
Aimless my mind’s eye wanders on
Finding nothing but my far-fetched premise
There’s no hope for a definite riposte
Until death’s lichen touch delves my way
I will always clench this fear so tight
But what will become of me


Into this void of total darkness
Eventually totality seeks its wonders
Keep filing down your dotted line
There’s no ****ing choice in the end
This inevitability remains the same
The conclusions remain oblivious in us
I have no hopes to find an answer
I just wish to reverse this strain
Remains impossible


Ascetic in your abnegation
Your allotment has been served


This void will never shut its doors
Trapped in this never ending series
We’re condemned as reprobated beings
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Last edited by ESPearl at Jul 23, 2009,
#2
It sounds really depressing. "I have not hope to find and answer."
What are you trying to say? It sounds like "I'm waiting for it to get dark, I can't find anything, the end is inevitable, and I have not hope."
Maybe I miss-interpreted this, but it didn't make much sense.
I'm not mocking it. Please, if I've got it wrong, enlighten me.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#3
I wrote it about my observations on death and my life cycle. I was up late one night wondering what happens when you die, and it really got me thinking all over the place and it was all a bundle in my head. So the next day I sat down and wrote out some of my thoughts in more of a song form.
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#4
Your life cycle?

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#5
In the sense of I'm just waiting for death.. the first part of the song. And how with every moment we grow closer to it. If that makes any sense.
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#6
It does sound a bit depressing. And it seems like you're trying too hard to paint a picture. But it's not bad. Just not my kinda thing.
I'm an extreme supporter of the Second Amendment

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
#7
Constructive criticism thank you! (not sarcasm) Can you tell me why you think I'm trying too hard?
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#8
I dunno. Lines like "Finding nothing but my far-fetched premise
There’s no hope for a definite riposte" seem like you're writing them just to sound fancy or something. I dunno, it makes sense in my head but is hard to explain.
I'm an extreme supporter of the Second Amendment

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
#9
Well when I write lyrics I usually write them like I would write a book... i read a lot of Old Russian Literature.. I guess I could dumb it down?
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#10
Don't do that.
What kind of Russian lit? I've read a bit, and really enjoyed it.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#11
The greatest Russian literature I have read all come from my favorite authors.. in order:
Fyodor Dostoevsky (greatest books in order are Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov, and Demons, but that's my opinion.)
Leo Tolstoy (greatest are War and Peace and A Letter to a Hindu)
and of course the pioneer of it all Alexander Pushkin (The Stone Guest.. which was part of a larger collection called The Little Tragedies)
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#12
I've read Crime and Punishment, and the Brothers Karamazv, and I've heard of the Tolsky, (of course), but I'll have to look into Pushkin.
Have you read Alexander Solzinitzin? He wrote the Gulog Archippeligo, One day in the life of Ivan Denizovich, Cancer ward, the first circle, and many others. They're fascinating, and heart-wrenching.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#13
I've read Gulog Archippeligo and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denizovich, and loved them. One of the many writers inspired in part by exile from Russia.
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#14
The Gulog is SOOO long!

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#15
It's a heavy read but the length isn't tooooooo long. It's like 650 pages.
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#16
But the Gulag is definitely a must read... I feel it's not a novel but an indictment. Realistic book on communism.
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#17
There are four volumes depending on the editon. Each volume is about 650 pages.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#18
I have the discontinued translation from Everymans Library and it has 6 volumes? Maybe they are shorter volumes and maybe thats why its discontinued lol
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#19
Dunno, but there might be lots more that u don't want to miss. Anyway, we're kinda alot off topic. If you wanna chat some more, we can do it somewhere else. I sent u a friend request.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#20
+1

Anyone else viewing have suggestions?
Please read lyrics.
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#21
After reading the line "Ascetic in your abnegation", I feel compelled to ask whether you were consulting a dictionary at the time or simply resorted to looking up the word of the day. Although it depends on your style of music, I really can't imagine any reasonable tune fitting those lyrics, and they seem to be pseudo-deep just for the sake of appearing profound. There's some descriptive language there, but in the end you also have to really consider how the lyrics assist the music, not just stand alone. Embellished, multi-syllable words are a great way to feel intellectual, but if there's no overall meaning, what's the point?
#22
Awesome man, some awesome metaphors in there!!

"Deaths Lichen" is my favourite one in there, good ****!
#23
to zephyrclaw: That part is the breakdown and the original wording i had written was "Ascetic in your asceticism" which to me sounded weird to go along with the music. (I write lyrics to music) so I changed Asceticism to Abnegation which almost has the same exact meaning... and no... I didn't refer to a dictionary or anything like that I don't do that.
to Bocob: Thanks for the support
Guitars:
ESP Kirk Hammet KH-2 (The real deal )
Gibson 1979 L.E. Explorer
Gibson SG Standard - FOR SALE
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Marshall MG100HDFX Half Stack
Peavy VYPYR
Crate GFX-65