#1
This is really the first thing I've ever shared that I've written. I just sat here and it came to me. No real rhyme scheme or structure. It's Crazy. Just watched No One Said It Would Be Easy, so kinda inspired by Cloud Cult.

Sands of time grinding away at the skin of memories
Bones of today breaking under the weight of tomorrow
Ghosts of the past, hauting my happiness
Conversations with myself in the middle of the night
He thinks I'm wrong, I say I'm right
Then we get into a fight and I realize
I'm all alone

There's a man in my dreams who wants to be real
Said he wants my life, just so he can feel
And then I wake up in the kitchen
Shivering from head to toe
Pour myself a drink, sit down and think
And then I realize
I'm all alone

My craziness proves my humanity
My solemness my enemy
My happiness a memory
My lonliness reality

My dreaming provides my fantasy
The characters my family
All of them inside of me
Contribute to my lunacy

I cut the legs off of my table, so it wouldn't run away
Then carved them into figurines, company for conversation
Laid down in my bed, and chewed on my pillow
The guy in my head, said I'm a lonely fellow
Then he tried to take my soul, said just try and stay mellow
Then I woke up and I was still all alone


My craziness proves my humanity
My solemness my enemy
My happiness a memory
My lonliness reality

My dreaming provides my fantasy
The characters my family
All of them inside of me
Contribute to my lunacy
Last edited by On a Boat at Jul 23, 2009,
#2
Excellent imagery!! Especially in the third verse. I love "I cut the legs off of my table so it wouldn't run away".
But you do need to work on your rhythmn, and (this is just a personal opinion) I think that the "Y" rhymn in your chorus gets a bit annoying after two repitions of eight lines. Humanity, enemy, memory, reality, fantasy, family, me, and lunacy, are a bit much to bombard a person with. Maybe you should Rhymn ABAB or ABBA or ABCB, change it up. Sorry, I'm not good at making myself clear.
Good job. Really.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#3
The "y" rhyme part I wrote using a technique a read a while back where you put your own lyrics to the tune of a song you want it to sound like. And in my head, I hear those 8 lines in Journey of the Featherless by Cloud Cult and it sounds right to me. But I may end up changing. I just wrote and didn't go back and edit anything.
#4
If you've got a tune that it sounds good to, use it.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#5
The fact that I got my wisdom teeth out this morning and I'm on hydrocodone right now could be affecting my rhythm and whatnot, but we'll see. Thanks for the feedback :P
#6
Wow. I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow at 11:30. How was it?

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#7
It was pretty painless. Just make sure you take your medicine within about an hour of getting out, because once you get feeling back in your face it hurts bad. I couldn't feel my mouth to swallow my pill, so I decided to take a nap and wait on feeling to come back, and when I woke up my mouth hurt like crazy, but as long as I take my medicine like they said too it's just a little sore.
I'm an extreme supporter of the Second Amendment

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
#8
I like the new signature!
Yeh, I'm not too woried, but I am going to be awake. Oh well, it doesn't matter, 'cuz I'm going to be off work for a few days afterward.

Will u be my friend?

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#9
They gave me the gas and everything, but I kinda just drifted in and out. I remember hearing some cracking, and feeling a little pressure, and the dentist saying I was doing good and then they were telling me it was over and I did good. I definitely felt pretty drunk afterwards though. I think we're drifting off topic xD
I'm an extreme supporter of the Second Amendment

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
#10
No really?

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#11
Yeah, really.
I'm an extreme supporter of the Second Amendment

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.