#1
I wrote this a while and need some criticism of it. Thanks

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This hasn't turned out how I thought.


I've been thrown over again
by the forces I'm addicted to.

(like a junkie who ran out of money)

I regret buying into the lie
that I could stop time
until my eyes
could form the right words
for you.

But you were impatient
I don't blame


and now your probably with some loser
who can set the world you want at your feet
even if it's not love he's feeling;
you can believe that at least
he knows how to satisfy you,
he knows your weak parts.

I've learned from all this...
that the best things take longer
than we have to live.

But if you should ask...

I guess I'm doing fine
just a bit neurotic
after seeing what I wanted
be striped away from my grasp
and sold for plastic pennies.
And I ought to O.D right now
and come face to face with fear
and tell GOD to stop being SATAN
because he ruined my will.

[The puddles of rain on the street
reflect my broken dreams of hope
as the taxis drive right through them
all day all night]

You should see how much I've learned
and changed since last September now.
You should hear the latest song
I've written for and about you.
You should read the poems
I left upon your coffee table
and give up on everything

but me.

Though I'm only useless to you.
A nameless, ugly chasm;
graffiti on a freeway
that you can't decipher.
and is it my fault I've never been fun?
That I've never been freaky? outgoing? or Cool?
or laid back, or even interesting?
because if not
I wasted fourteen years of my life
trying to be these things
to impress you.


I guess I'm doing fine.
I've just given up on trying
because when I try, I don't succeed
and then I really want to die.
(Starring at the eyes of failure
constantly)


I quietly lay and gaze upon my stained ceiling
smoking cigarettes until they only sting my eyes.
I drown my loneliness in pills
lying around for the uncertainties,
waiting for eternity to pass...
waiting in infinity for someone to
sweep up my tainted bones and
drop me at your doorstep


but it doesn't happen.


I've been looking forward to you
since my suicide plans failed
now I can see my worthlessness
in a handful of dust;
the epitome of my oblivion;
the assault on my reason...


You don't mind though;
as far as I can tell
you embrace the heartache.


I guess I'm doing horrible.
I'm the person you'll never need.
I'm so weathered down by
your compulsive decisions

and now I'm weaker than the highest cloud


But if this is how you want it
I'll step aside
If this is how you create it
I'll let it grow
If this is all you ever needed
I'll give you what I'm able.

Because I care
about your happiness
More than your
drunk parents,
High friends
Ignorant teachers,
and pedophile priests
ever will.

...Only to my disadvantage
#2
This hasn't turned out how I thought.


I've been thrown over again
by the forces I'm addicted to.

(like a junkie who ran out of money)

These first lines are the best of this poem I think.

I regret buying into the lie
that I could stop time
until my eyes
could form the right words
for you.

Well this stanza doesn't flow right through the mouth, and the 'eyes' doesn't seem to fit either.

But you were impatient
I don't blame


and now your probably with some loser
who can set the world you want at your feet
even if it's not love he's feeling;
you can believe that at least
he knows how to satisfy you,
he knows your weak parts.

The 'weak parts' could probably be changed

I've learned from all this...
that the best things take longer
than we have to live.

But if you should ask...

I guess I'm doing fine
just a bit neurotic
after seeing what I wanted
be striped away from my grasp
and sold for plastic pennies.
And I ought to O.D right now
and come face to face with fear
and tell GOD to stop being SATAN
because he ruined my will.

This stanza you could do without all together just because it sounds like a bunch of words not a poem. And the "But if you should ask..." part could lead into this next part you have in parentheses.

[The puddles of rain on the street
reflect my broken dreams of hope
as the taxis drive right through them
all day all night]

You should see how much I've learned
and changed since last September now.
You should hear the latest song
I've written for and about you.
You should read the poems
I left upon your coffee table
and give up on everything

This is another great stanza but you could just take out 'now' in the second line.

but me.

Though I'm only useless to you.
A nameless, ugly chasm;
graffiti on a freeway
that you can't decipher.
and is it my fault I've never been fun?
That I've never been freaky? outgoing? or Cool?
or laid back, or even interesting?
because if not
I wasted fourteen years of my life
trying to be these things
to impress you.

I like the similies you have here but the question can be changed a little bit.

I guess I'm doing fine.
I've just given up on trying
because when I try, I don't succeed
and then I really want to die.
(Starring at the eyes of failure
constantly)


I quietly lay and gaze upon my stained ceiling
smoking cigarettes until they only sting my eyes.
I drown my loneliness in pills
lying around for the uncertainties,
waiting for eternity to pass...
waiting in infinity for someone to
sweep up my tainted bones and
drop me at your doorstep

Very good stanza

but it doesn't happen.


I've been looking forward to you
since my suicide plans failed
now I can see my worthlessness
in a handful of dust;
the epitome of my oblivion;
the assault on my reason...


You don't mind though;
as far as I can tell
you embrace the heartache.


I guess I'm doing horrible.
I'm the person you'll never need.
I'm so weathered down by
your compulsive decisions

I don't care for the word usage of 'horrible' in this stanza.

and now I'm weaker than the highest cloud

Could do without this line, or right a similie that seems to fit better

But if this is how you want it
I'll step aside
If this is how you create it
I'll let it grow
If this is all you ever needed
I'll give you what I'm able.

Because I care
about your happiness
More than your
drunk parents,
High friends
Ignorant teachers,
and pedophile priests
ever will.

...Only to my disadvantage

For the most part this poem is a very good poem. It is writen well and easy to read. It has a great story to it and I like it Keep on Playing
Comments or Suggestions
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