#1
OTS. Figured I might as well post this.


Laying in an open field of grass,
flabbergasted that my watch already says
quarter past seven, but then I realize
that I don't care what time it is. I'm convinced
that I could lay here all day as I roll over
and gently tickle her nose with a dandelion
that I've just plucked from the ground.
She doesn't even flinch,
no giggle or goofy grin,
she just stares at the sky,
or maybe even beyond it.
She's deep in thought.
I try to follow suit, but my mind
keeps getting caught
between a plaintive piano's tune
and the fallout between my seed and her womb.
We're still perspiring from the previous hour,
the breeze doing little to hinder this effect.
Her orange sundress
is still well above her waist,
though she doesn't seem to notice.

At the height of it all
things became quite explosive,
as fleeting as it was;
I closed my eyes and became party
to an intergalactic light show.
I've come down since then,
and I know we could stay right here like this
for the rest of our lives
and I wouldn't miss a thing;
just me and the girl that I love
more than anything.

I see movement out of the corner of my eye;
she's getting up. I offer her a hand
in carrying her stuff, but she brushes me off.
I ask her if later she'd like to grab some lunch.
"You know the deal", she says and saunters away.
I know the deal. I'm just another cygnet in her pond
of noncommittal charades, and coital sashays.
Still clutching the dandelion
I roll over into the spot where minutes ago she layed;
I count my blessings, curl into a ball, and fall asleep.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 24, 2009,
#2
Daaaaaamn, Steve. Guess we know who's going to win your comp then

I actually read this twice. The first time, as soon as I saw flabbergasted, I read it as a quicky comp entry, then I re-read it as a piece in it's own right, and both times it impressed me immensley. Well done, sir.
#3
the immense detail that begins about halfway through stanza 1 and lasts till the end, is so easy on the eyes.


matter of fact, this little bit here -
I see movement out of the corner of my eye;
she's getting up. I offer her a hand
in carrying her stuff, but she brushes me off.
I ask her if later she'd like to grab some lunch.
"You know the deal", she says and saunters away.
I know the deal. I'm just another cygnet in her pond
of noncommittal charades, and coital sashays.
Still clutching the dandelion
I roll over into the spot where minutes ago she layed;
I count my blessings, curl into a ball, and fall asleep.
is probably one of the best things i've read on here in awhile.
you don't post too often, but i love it when you do.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
Thank you both

I haven't been this content with something I've posted in quite a while, so I'm glad my feelings aren't misplaced.
#5
I really love this =>
It give this really strange feeling of contented fraustration.

i spose my only quibble would be the way some of it flows,
flabbergasted seems a bit clunky in that line, but i can't think of any words that would work better.

'cygnet in her pond' and 'coital sashays' are both really beautiful ideas

good job man =>
#7
That was really good. You had great descriptions.
Incidently, what comp?

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#8
^The Word Drop Comp.

I didn't use flabbergasted by choice.

Zach, get back to this!


Thanks a lot everyone.

#9
Quote by bassbeat77
OTS. Figured I might as well post this.

Laying in an open field of grass,
flabbergasted that my watch already says
quarter past seven, but then I realize
that I don't care what time it is. I'm convinced
that I could lay here all day as I roll over
and gently tickle her nose with a dandelion
that I've just plucked from the ground.
some of the line breaks here seem arbitrary. keeping the flow more conversation might give the reader more of the languid feeling the protag. is experiencing

She doesn't even flinch,
no giggle or goofy grin,
she just stares at the sky,
or maybe even beyond it.
She's deep in thought.
I try to follow suit, but my mind
keeps getting caught
between a plaintive piano's tune
and the fallout between my seed and her womb.
great line, really.
We're still perspiring from the previous hour,
the breeze doing little to hinder this effect.
a bit choppy here
Her orange sundress
is still well above her waist,
though she doesn't seem to notice.
nicely captures how aloof she is

At the height of it all
things became quite explosive,
as fleeting as it was;
these three lines are...well theyre kinda poor man. it almost sounds like bragging. i expected a winky face after 'explosive'...i really think that recalling sex with this woman could be done a little better
I closed my eyes and became party
'became party'? what?
to an intergalactic light show.
I've come down since then,
and I know we could stay right here like this
for the rest of our lives
and I wouldn't miss a thing;
reminds me of that rubbish Aerosmith song that they wrote for Armageddon
just me and the girl that I love
more than anything.
at first this struck me as really banal, but in light of the last stanza it made more sense

I see movement out of the corner of my eye;
she's getting up. I offer her a hand
in carrying her stuff, but she brushes me off.
I ask her if later she'd like to grab some lunch.
"You know the deal", she says and saunters away.
I know the deal. I'm just another cygnet in her pond
as far as the twist goes, i like it. as an unimportant aside, you might replace 'cygnet' with 'cob' which refers exclusively to male swans
of noncommittal charades, and coital sashays.
very nice
Still clutching the dandelion
I roll over into the spot where minutes ago she layed;
I count my blessings, curl into a ball, and fall asleep.


there really is a sense of romantic hopelessness in this that i like. its well done, but there parts that i feel could be written much better. either way, high marks for a good twist, and original idea, and a satisfying end. fine work

c4c? my most recent is in my sig as 'Soapbox'
cheers
~b
#10
Well I was planning on popping in and critting the hell out of this, but...
damn...
Now you're just making me look bad, I can't find anything to say....
#11
You asked for it. I'm going to pretend I don't know this is the quicky comp and that you had to use certain words... because, you can edit this to not have certain words in it, etc. So suck it.

Quote by bassbeat77

Laying in an open field of grass,
flabbergasted that my watch already says
quarter past seven, but then I realize
that I don't care what time it is. I'm convinced
that I could lay here all day as I roll over
and gently tickle her nose with a dandelion
that I've just plucked from the ground.

I hated the line break at both realize and convinced. They both seemed to unnecessarily jar the hell out of the thoughts you were wanting me to process. And then you switch to this bland "and then I roll over" style of telling me the image. I dunno how you could fix it, but there are a lot of images in this piece that come across as narration instead of action. This is one of them. Beyond that, I felt like a stanza break here could help the pace. You almost switch scenes here; the image ties them together; but you are switching mindsets, and I read it like there was a stanza break here anyways.

She doesn't even flinch,
no giggle or goofy grin,
she just stares at the sky,
or maybe even beyond it.
She's deep in thought.
I try to follow suit, but my mind
keeps getting caught
between a plaintive piano's tune
and the fallout between my seed and her womb.

God did I hate the piano line. It's such a random image that doesn't seem to fit qualitatively with anything else in the piece. I know, you needed plaintive... you could have found a better way. This was the low point in the piece for me... because its tossed out there, but never revisited. Again, with the next line... the seed/womb deal. I know, you ****ed her, got it. However, what fall out? Did she spring a leak? I know what you were going for, but felt the image was overplayed or something. It just didn't sit well in teh stanza, and I felt you could find a better way to express this.
We're still perspiring from the previous hour,
the breeze doing little to hinder this effect.
Her orange sundress
is still well above her waist,
though she doesn't seem to notice.

This could be so much better if you didn't already take away the pizazz by introducing the "womb" above. You could have let the image of her sundress above her waist resonate so much more and be a beautiful but shcoking image... instead you foreshadowed it in a way that made the image itself just "the next step in thought" and I hated you for doing it. This should have been a turning point in the piece, the switch from playful flirting to lovers (and god it would have been a beautiful turning point); instead it was just part of a curve in the flow... and I wanted it to be a hairpin.

At the height of it all
things became quite explosive,
Oh jesus. This is like something I would have written when I first started; and you and Jamie and Dylan would have slapped me with a tuna.

as fleeting as it was;
I closed my eyes and became party
to an intergalactic light show.
meh to intergalactic light show. I know... you had to... it still sucked.

I've come down since then,
and I know we could stay right here like this
for the rest of our lives
and I wouldn't miss a thing;
just me and the girl that I love
more than anything.

thing with anything... way to mix it up champ; more than anything just felt tacked on... close with love... its such an amazing finish to that stanza before you knock the wind out of our sails... but instead you finish it off with a meh moment by adding that on. Let love ring.

I see movement out of the corner of my eye;
she's getting up. I offer her a hand
in carrying her stuff, but she brushes me off.
I ask her if later she'd like to grab some lunch.
"You know the deal", she says and saunters away.
I know the deal. I'm just another cygnet in her pond
of noncommittal charades, and coital sashays.
Still clutching the dandelion
I roll over into the spot where minutes ago she layed;
I count my blessings, curl into a ball, and fall asleep.

This was the part that blew me away, not much to say here.


This is still one of my favorite reads from you in a long time; but it also had a lot of "telling" me instead of painting toward the beginning... and I felt like a lot of your line breaks/choices of expression left something to be desired. I think you should edit this, wihtout the whole "word drop" thing in mind, and let the idea really come to fruition, even if it isn't for the comp.
#12
^Thanks love. Yeah, it never even came to mind to rewrite this without the ****ty words. I don't think you've even left me with a choice. I'll be watching the front page for your next piece.



ChordMonger... thanks a lot. Those few lines you mentioned were poor were ones I was doubtful of myself. And yeah my lines breaks need work. I'll try to get to your piece soon.

#13
I promise I'll come give this a proper crit later, but for now... damn. I really really loved this.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#14
Quote by bassbeat77
^Thanks love. Yeah, it never even came to mind to rewrite this without the ****ty words. I don't think you've even left me with a choice. I'll be watching the front page for your next piece.



ChordMonger... thanks a lot. Those few lines you mentioned were poor were ones I was doubtful of myself. And yeah my lines breaks need work. I'll try to get to your piece soon.



thank bassbeat. damn nead 100 views, and only three crits, one of which was meh. i tried to be harsh with yours in a way that was helpful, and i can only hope youll do the same for me
~b