#1
A short story I'm writing. Six parts down so far, I'll post 'em bit by bit. This first part isn't that interesting, I know, but it gets better. Promise

Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Part VI

Dans La Maison

It began with the sensation of movement, of falling forward; the sound of an inhuman, bone-jarring scream and a light. Then there was only darkness.

Stranded alone in the pouring rain, Rein Jackson was pissed. F
Last edited by kdownes at Aug 26, 2009,
#2
This paints a very familiar scene. I've seen it once or fifty times in different movies, specifically the raining and phone not working parts. So yeah, it felt kind of predictable but could still turn interesting, so I hope you have something up your sleeve.

A couple other things. You don't need to tell us that it's raining twice within one small paragraph. Our memories aren't that bad. Also, as far as stories go, profanity seems a little out of place unless it's being used in dialogue in my opinion. Just a thought.

This will get better though. You promised.

#3
Deliberately stereotypical scene, but it won't seem so much so by the time you reach the end of the story, promise.)

As for the profanity, I write my stories in the voice of the particular character that's the current focus. In this scene, Rein is telling the story, so it is told in her voice. You ever stood in the rain and thought "great, it's fucking raining again"? That's what she's thinking

Thanks for the words, I'll have Part Two up as soon as I can post.
#4
i'm going to jump the gun here and say this would probably round out really nice if you posted part 2 along with this and combined them into one.
a series is definitely supposed to leave the reader with minimal closure, if any; but it seems like it's just severed off way too soon.

don't get me wrong, your writing's good. just an observation.
/insignificant advice.
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#5
I can edit Part II in if you guys want, it's a lot longer is all, so it'll be a bit of a wall of text.
#6
You ever stood in the rain and thought "great, it's fucking raining again"?

Nope. I like the rain.

EDIT: Go for it. I can't sleep anyways.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 24, 2009,
#7
ok Part II edited in. I'll bulk these together, call 'em Part I. I'll stop posting in my own thread now
#10
I got a few words into and had to stop and just say; making your narrative be a character is only a good idea in like two instances, 1.) when the narrative is an actual character in the story, ala, The Great Gatsby, 2.) or you don't give a **** about the general mood of the story. What you're doing is your esposing most of the general technical aspects of writing a narrative, and replacing it with style. Now that would be okay if you were William Faulkner, or James Joyce, but you're not.

So in short, I from the initial first lines of reading and there after (I just finished it) it is a wholly amateur attempt, and it shows really strongly in that you're not familar with the pacing, the set-up and some general rules of thumb for short stories.

Not to mention you begin the story with a pronoun, 'it', which is unforgiveable. I'm sorry Kyle, this just was not captivating, there was flagrant cussing in the narration which is incredibly distracting, narration with cussing comes off as unintelligent, and hardly concieved. You want to write narration, like how you're supposed to write, intelligently, you can use style and bend the rules, but breaking them when you're not familar with them isn't smart. So yes, again, the narration is not good, and it is not enjoyable to read.

The dialogue is good, but honestly, if you have any concievable sense of how humans interact and speak, your dialogue will be at least believable. So it's hard to muck up dialogue, that being said, yours was good. Above average, but not wow-worthy.

Also, one of the most important rules of writing a narrative;

If you ever have to use anything other than the word 'says/said' after dialogue, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Even in the instance where the characters asks a question, IT IS STILL BEING SAID, YOU CAN INFER THAT HE ASKED BY THE QUESTION MARK.

The murmured, and all that ****, is bad. It's insulting because here's why, if the reader can't already tell how the dialogue is being spoken, and you have to give them cues for how it is supposed to sound in their head, you're insulting the intelligence of the reader.

Most dialogue cues 'says/said' are merely to be used to indicate who is speaking, not to add inflection, or voice to the dialogue, because there is already voice there. The character is speaking these things, and if the dialogue is good enough, or the character is well developed the reader will AUTOMATICALLY create how the dialogue and scene plays out in their head, you don't need to help them. It's a free pass.

Anyway with that being said,

love, matt.
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#11
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST TYPED OUT A SUPER LONG AND DESCRIPTIVE CRIT, PARAGRAPH BY PARAGRAPH, AND MY INTERNET SCREWED UP AS I TRIED TO POST.


orf


I will attempt to come back and redo that, but as a real quick summary... Don't breeze through actions (or just not have them) and 'state' facts. Create the discovery of a detail by the character, the reaction, the thought processes, the following actions... Don't tell me her car crashed and her phone is dead, show me as if I was her. Show me as if I was in your head and it was happening to you as we speak. Don't be sequential.. don't go through each character individually describing them in once chunk and them have them all speak in turns in another chunk. Elaborate on a character AS they speak, AS they do what they do, and it will stick much more. Remember that you are not just recounting a story of your night to your friends, rather... you are painting a story, from scratch, to people completely detached from your world. Engross us. I know you can. Everything in a short story is crucial; do NOT throw something in there if you are not willing to properly elaborate and make it worth being in the story, or else we will just skim over it and forget it was even mentioned.

I'm being picky, but 'lustrous' seemed so out of place in that first bit.

I'm very curious as to how the next part reads and comes out. You have an interesting situation going on... don't let little writing discrepencies get in the way of being captivating. Captivate me! Do it! You can write, so write!

my neck hurts, love saadia <3
if this doesnt ****ing post i will punch kittens
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#12
Thanks everyone. I threw up the link to Part II in the main post now. My writing is not brilliant, I know that. I've only ever written two short stories out of about thirty that I ever really, really liked. This isn't the best written, but I'm hoping by the time you reach the end, the story will have made up for that, because i'm fucked as to how to fix it
#13
That's what I've noticed so far: your dialogue and characters seem abnormally abnoxious. I like how undecided I am towards the householder, though. The boy is well documented, also.

Next one...

edt:
Quote by Something_Vague
Most dialogue cues 'says/said' are merely to be used to indicate who is speaking, not to add inflection, or voice to the dialogue, because there is already voice there. The character is speaking these things, and if the dialogue is good enough, or the character is well developed the reader will AUTOMATICALLY create how the dialogue and scene plays out in their head, you don't need to help them. It's a free pass.
This is totally contrary to what I was taught in school, but to be quite honest, I understand it (what Matt said) more so than what my teachers said. Even though one of them was clearly competent and the best teacher in the school.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 12, 2009,