#1
looking in the mirror at my own reflection
hating my self overcoming afflicton
destroy my skeletons the one i despise
i only see when i look in my eyes
confronting my enemy a seceret well kept
all that i fear a night not slept
all that i hate only my failure
all that i see only my hatred
all that i feel only my madness

traped in lies raped and supressed
feelings of guilt rip through my chest
broken and beaten i am ashamed
my blood my life line is leaving me

work in progress
#2
Quote by K-ROCK69
looking in the mirror at my own reflection
hating my self, overcoming afflicton
destroy my skeletons the ones i despise Skeletons in the closet, cool lyric.
i only see when i look in my eyes

Not loving this section, AABB is quite a childs rhyme-esque rhyming structure.


confronting my enemy a seceret well kept
all that i fear a night not slept
all that i hate only my failure
all that i see only my hatred
all that i feel only my madness

Kinda cool, it feels like it's trying too hard to be dark, to the point where its bordering on emo. Your really hammering down this idea of loathing and stuff and it gets a bit dense.

trapped in lies, raped and supressed
feelings of guilt rip through my chest Guilt and Loathing again
broken and beaten i am ashamed Ashamed as well
my blood my life line is leaving me

I'm gonna hazard a guess that this person has slit their wrists or something? It's too much dark too obvious, there's nothing wrong with having a dark song, indeed with this theme it kinda has to be, but when you just openly describe it there's nothing to ponder, try and be more abstract. dont explain everything, let the reader take from it what they want.

work in progress



This is just my opinion, don't take it too hard. I was trying to be critical as it's a work in progress, I look forward to the finished product
#3
I like this, it has a lot of potential. The lack of puntuation etc makes it hard to see how it flows, but the lyrics are still good and I can sort of picture how it would flow etc. The last stanza's quite cool, makes more sense than the rest of it. It brings it to a closure after a climax, which is good. I like the way you're trying to be dark and abstract, it works quite well. It has quite a brutal feel to it as well, the song overall. I think it'll sound good overall.
Back and sexier than ever

Co-founder and #1 member of The Pick-Eater's club. PM me to join.
n00baid member - PM draken to join
#4
sounds too disturbed for me..

Just cause its hardcore metal doesnt mean it has to be about hate, anger, and madness.
Just my opinion
Last edited by Segataritendo at Jul 24, 2009,
#5
I'm not sure if I can do this so if i cant i'm sorry let me know it wont happen again, but thanx 4 the feed back i take it all in to consideration as i finish the song.