#1
Hello all. This is my first post, and my first attempt ever at writing any type of lyrics. So here goes nothing...don't be too brutal on me people!

I remember that night like yesterday
The first time I saw you
You were standing there in that long line
And you were beautiful

As hours passed we talked like old friends
That had been distant
The lights were dim; I hoped this wouldn't end
And you were beautiful

The night was over and the morning came soon
But I was next to you
I kissed your lips and looked into your eyes
And you were beautiful

So that's all! I have a recording of it at www.myspace.com/rgrwatson85. Let me know what you think and if I should make some changes or flat out burn it.
#3
very good man, 5 stars. somehow, i can think of Guns N Roses while you're singing. very good song, keep it up.
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#4
come one guys...i see ya looking. Atleast give it a thumbs up or down. I'm seriously new to this and could use some constructive criticism.
#5
...don't be too brutal on me people!Why the hell would you say that?
The tougher the crit, the more weaknesses found. If someone really wrecks your shit, it will help you identify the areas you need to work on. You should welcome that.



I remember that night like yesterday
The first time I saw you
You were standing there in that long line
And you were beautiful
The word that implies a specific night or line where you've used it.
This further spotlights the fact you haven't told us much about the details.
Use a different article. The or a or w/e might be appropriate.


As hours passed we talked like old friends
That had been distant
The lights were dim; I hoped this wouldn't end
And you were beautiful
amusingly, that is causing trouble again.
when referring to people, I find it more polite to say who.
but imho, this isn't as big an issue as the previous instances of that.


The night was over and the morning came soon
But I was next to you
I kissed your lips and looked into your eyes
And you were beautiful

Congratulations. You wrote a love song that didn't completely suck.
Most don't fare so well their first time out.
Weak as this is, it doesn't make me wanna gag like most rookie love songs do.

The whole song is based on "strategy" rather than images.
You vaguely define the relationship between these two, but without any colour.
No real images are evoked.
There isn't any real story here.
You met her and stayed with her until morning.
She was "beautiful" for some reason only you know.
There isn't a strong sense of rhythm or interesting sounds created by the words.
It's just a set-up to repeat the final line in each verse.

If you wrote this for a girl, I'm sure she'll wet her pants just a little.
But she'll be the only one.
The rest of us are going: erm, okay...

Love songs are horribly difficult to do without just being "puff pieces".
Try writing about anything else.
Make it descriptive.
Paint a picture.
Explore the realm of sonics and rhythm with your words.
Create clever interplay of word and thought.
Invent phrases that pop off the page and dance about ones mind.
Come back to love songs when you have a few tools in your kit.
Then carve out something that everyone can enjoy.
And the girl's panties won't just be a little wet...





Meadows
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