#1
at 1:56
I'm going to be so wasted
that I will fall
into dumpsters
behind the park
and cry over you.

at 1:56
I'll be smacked out
So hard that my feet
will feel like ravens
on rockets that
go 15,000mph.

at 1L56
I won't feel any nerve
or emotion I did
when you married a guy
that only likes you
for sex.

but by 1:56
I won't give a ****
#2
that was way too blunt for me.
sorry.
Quote by deadringer13
xjosheex, you have made a simple answer to it all haha


Quote by Pr0gNut
I hope he gets a blood disease and dies alone and screaming.


I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.
#3
Last line stands out for me.
Kinds makes you wonder what's went on in any form of story behind it, and leaves it open, so it can relate to more than one type of listener.
#4
I prefered this to your last piece. This had grit, bite, presence. It was short, blunt, too the point, the structure really helped and the content was, although massively cliched, interesting enough to keep me reading. I think all you really need to do now is, if not find something less cliched to write about (which is a pain in the arse), find a more interesting way to write about it. Start developing your own style, your own little niche. Just keep writing until something feels right, feels you.
#5
How do you suppose I go about doing this? I've had a massive writers block lately and could use your advice.
#6
What worked for me was writing about everything and anything. Things that were happening in my life. If i had a cold, i wrote about it. If i bought a book, I wrote about it. And i just experimented with different style. Rhyming, non rhyming, free form, structured, sonnets, odes, long poems, short poems, prose. Read a lot, I find that helps, especially on this forum. Check out all the regulars, and the newer ones as well. Read through the WotW/WotM archives. Listen to a lot of different styles of music, music is poetry too. I use a lot of lyrical techniques in my own writing. But read novels as well, a lot of novels can be very poetic in their prose and language. And just try to write. Don't force it, it won't work. Don't just sit at a blank page and go "i have no idea." Trying going to new places, doing new things, meeting new people. New things laways help with block. If you're stuck in a rut, break the mould. Hope that helps. Others will disagree, but that's what works for me. Send me a PM if you want.

Oh, and if you have time, check out my short story I'm posting. Just click "Watching" in my sig, it'll take you right there. Good luck
#7
Quote by hippieboy444
at 1:56
I'm going to be so wasted
that I will fall
into dumpsters
behind the park
and cry over you.
the breaks in this stanza make the most sense, and i think its emotional

at 1:56
I'll be smacked out
So hard that my feet
will feel like ravens
on rockets that
go 15,000mph.
awkward breaks. i feel like another stanza about escape through substance abuse isnt totally necessary

at 1:56
I won't feel any nerve
or emotion I did
when you married a guy
that only likes you
for sex.
this feels different. i think that its too thought out, too rational, for a protagonist whos in trauma. the phrasing doesnt fit.

but by 1:56
I won't give a ****
if this is your ending- 'but by 1:56", then it might help to change the other stanzas to possibilities. i.e. "at 1:56 i could be..."


its short and sweet. not as raw as id like it, and a little abrupt but still a fine effort.

c4c? my most recent is in my sig as 'Soapbox'
cheers
~b