#1
C4C


A shot of liquid courage
and I'll take on the world
but its still not enough
to make you my girl

The liquor was suppose to drown them
the butterflies I mean, to stop the fluttering
but it didnt work, it only added to my stuttering

Im nursing my patience, and my beer
I stare down this half empty bottle
I cant stop, dont wanna stop
thinking, thinking about you

As close as we were
and as far as we are
sometimes I wonder what could have been
but I regret regretting and Im letting the chips land
where they will

A shot of liquid courage
and I'll take on the world
but its still not enough
to make you my girl


This literally just popped into my head its late and I didnt wanna forget it so I figured I would post it see what yall thought let me know chew up spit it out help me make it better, and yeah I know the flow is off in a couple spots Ill fix it in the morning
Last edited by therealtater at Jul 25, 2009,
#2
i liked it.
what kind of music is it going with?
Quote by deadringer13
xjosheex, you have made a simple answer to it all haha


Quote by Pr0gNut
I hope he gets a blood disease and dies alone and screaming.


I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.
#4
thats good.
Quote by deadringer13
xjosheex, you have made a simple answer to it all haha


Quote by Pr0gNut
I hope he gets a blood disease and dies alone and screaming.


I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.
#5
I too liked it. I don't know what else to say other than the 2nd paragraph was my favorite.

Thanks for the crit and nice work
#6
If you rearrange the flow a bit it could be a legit country song. It'll sound less clunky when it's sung out.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#8
I see no problems except for that its going to be a country song. I was thinking kind of a beck-ish acoustic sound
#10
Thanks for the crit.
I'll be sure to do a crit on this piece later, as I am leaving for vocal lessons, then getting a tuxedo fitted, then picking up a new amp, then picking up a new cymbal also.
..I was watching my death.
#11
This piece, to me, is a bit interesting because it is a bit of a tweener. But before that, the writing is generally good. I wish that the analogies/references towards liquor were a bit more direct and not just general references (example instead of liquor/beer use a brand of cheap liquor/beer like "Old Smuggler" or "Keystone") this will alow better imagery through out.

Now to the tweener moment.

The chorus/hook reads of a decent alternative rock style song, but in general it reads well like a song.

The verses read much more like poetry and it seem like it will be difficult to sing them from my point of view. Of course I can be greatly wrong.

In general, a bit more imagery towards alcohol will help the piece greatly and perhaps a better flow in the verses.

I have a piece titled "The Vacum of the Devil's Grin" please crit.

Thanks!
#12
The lyrics are awesome!
"the butterflies I mean, to stop the fluttering"
I think that doesn't really work out.
maybe, It could be
"To stop the butterflies a Flutterin"
You should assume the audience knows what your talking about.
..I was watching my death.
#13
It was well done. I like the 2nd paragraph when you talk about drowning the butterflies, ive never thought of that until i read this. I also like how you come back to the first paragraph at the end, kinda like the first couple paragraphs before that were like a flashback i guess. Keep up the good work!
#14
That first line;

"A shot of liquid courage,
And I'll take on the world-"

I think that's beautiful. A wonderfully poetic way to get the idea and mood across, and a terrific start. The rest of the song pales in comparison, but it's still good; just a bit more on the generic side. In some parts, it feels like your giving the meaning away too easily, like there's nothing left for the reader/listener to write about.

Let me know whenever you post new peices, please. I like them.
#15
A shot of liquid courage
and I'll take on the world
but its still not enough
to make you my girl
I thought this was a solid verse. I liked the connection between "courage" and "taking on the world". I thought that it was a nice parallel. Another thing I found interesting about it was that you opened with the "climax", in a sense. Already four lines into it, the reader knows the narrator didn't end up with the girl. It definitely shakes things up.

The liquor was suppose to drown them
the butterflies I mean, to stop the fluttering
but it didnt work, it only added to my stuttering
Another solid verse. Good connection between "liquor" and "drown": it makes for a very good metaphor there. The rhyme scheme is very interesting and I'm curious as to how it would sound.

Im nursing my patience, and my beer
I stare down this half empty bottle
I cant stop, dont wanna stop
thinking, thinking about you
This verse is good but what is beginning to happen is that you are essentially saying the same thing in each verse. I haven't seen anything change in this story; all I know is that the narrator is nervous to talk to this girl and he is using alcohol to accomplish it but it isn't working. What I think you need to do is incorporate some imagery. Put me in this place, tell me what she looks like, tell me what you are doing, etc. While the first two were great set-up verses to establish the theme of the song/poem, I think by now you need to get into the "nitty-gritty" of it, so to speak. Substitute generic images with specific, sensory ones. Just my opinion.

As close as we were
and as far as we are
sometimes I wonder what could have been
but I regret regretting and Im letting the chips land
where they will
I'll give the same advice as above for this verse as well. However, I do like the phrase "I regret regretting." That had a nice ring to it

A shot of liquid courage
and I'll take on the world
but its still not enough
to make you my girl
I like the repetition of this verse. I think that was a smart decision


Overall I really liked this. There were a few things that kept me from loving it though: namely, the fact that you never really gave me great images to work with. That being said, this definitely has a lot of potential and I can tell you have a great talent for making smart connections in your metaphors. Good job
here, My Dear, here it is
#16
That was great!
It was done very jokingly, but at the same time, not too cheezy.
And you came up with a sort of double meaning for the beer.
Drowning out the sorrow and the butterflies?
Bravo