#1
“Carol, you have heard quite enough.”

It is time, it is well
little girl;
I raised you from the dead.
The angels are here
with a simple twist of faith;
remain still,
act natural.
Can you spare
the diligent mantra,
the refined seal
way upon
the hallowed pillar-
not right now? Farther down
the asphalt river
flutters the raging dove.

Queen of the coast
you associate with earthly things;
It overwhelms me.
You dread in vile joy
in a drawn-out matter;
let it be wasted.
Ta-gi, ta-gi, ta-gi, ta-gi
for it is beyond my power.
Wage for every battle,
not for ambition.
Don’t worry, take comfort
upon the reap of labour.
Take courage;
the deliverance has come.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 25, 2009,
#3
You have two choices, I can either go with what I want to say which is simply "I loved every part of this", or i can try and nitpick. Try.
#4
you changed your tone at least four times, from demanding to pleading to urgent to nonchalant ect.

without a solid single perspective through which to see the scene (especially in a poem which is focused upon the second person) the reader just gets confused and the piece loses most of its possible power. Think aristotelian unity- character, time, and place. I wasnt sure where or why this was taking place, without that I don't have any reference point for why the poem matters.

loved the tone overall though. and the form was well utilized.

i'm tired, sorry I rambled. can come back if need be.
#5
Quote by therealtater
I liked this piece a lot it grab my attention and wouldnt let go it has really good flow too

what kind of music are you putting this to?


Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. By the way, this is a poem but I guess it could work as a song's lyric either way

Quote by kdownes
You have two choices, I can either go with what I want to say which is simply "I loved every part of this", or i can try and nitpick. Try.


Thanks man (you know, after hearing people mention your name- I still can not remember it ). Whenever you feel like adding something, don't hesitate to and thank you for reading.

Quote by #1 synth
you changed your tone at least four times, from demanding to pleading to urgent to nonchalant ect.

without a solid single perspective through which to see the scene (especially in a poem which is focused upon the second person) the reader just gets confused and the piece loses most of its possible power. Think aristotelian unity- character, time, and place. I wasnt sure where or why this was taking place, without that I don't have any reference point for why the poem matters.



I agree that I did change tone quite a few times, but there was only a subtle difference between each change; I don't think it really took away from what I was trying to say and it didn't really have much of an influence to the poem, in terms of relevence. I did this so that the poem could be more multi-layered, so that more of myself can be poured in. Hmm... thank you very much for reading though, Dylan
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 26, 2009,
#6
I really liked this piece,
like always your use of imagery is beautiful.
one thing is, it may just be how I read, or how the punctuation/line breaks are but I read it and line to line didn't flow as well as it could and should have.
didn't really take away from how the writing was though : ).
this one is for you.
#7
Name's Kyle, btw. I'd ask for a return crit, but it's not like i said anything. if you feel charitable, link in sig. if not, don't worry about it.
#8
This was certainly multi-layered. It felt a little thick and gross.

It was enjoyable, nonethelss. It was well-paced, thought-out and left nothing in the way of a good nit-pick. But as I said, it was so condensed and heavy that no room was left over so that it could really breathe.
It could of been brilliant if it was allowed that space.