#1
Can someone shed some light if this even sounds remotely good? Please I just want to know if I am on the right track.


Verse 1

I try so many times to please you

I try so many times to care

Just can't find the strength anymore to

Want you to see all our flaws together

Verse 2
Yet I can't help but stare at the phone

Waiting for your next call

Just want you to know

Your everything I dream for
Last edited by stubbs at Jul 24, 2009,
#2
I liked it...not so sure about the "Can't help but to fall down these stairs" line, it just doesn't feel like it fits. But yea otherwise write a chorus and you're set.
XBL Gamertag: toasty10
#3
you should change the part where you fall down the stairs so you push her down a flight of stairs instead. than it would be awesome
#4
Quote by Gods chariot
you should change the part where you fall down the stairs so you push her down a flight of stairs instead. than it would be awesome


Haha I don't think I would really do that but it was funny......
#6
Try this as a start

--
I try so many times to please you
I try so many times to care
Just can't find the strength anymore to
Want you to see all our flaws together

Yet I can't help but stare at the phone
Waiting for your next call
Just want you to know
Your everything I dream for
--

i'd personally say there is nothing 'wrong' with your writing, as it's evidently from an emotion that is important to you at this juncture in your life. and it has taken me a long time to realise that there is no shame in being young, foolish and totally clueless; it's part of growing up.

this is just so. it reminds me of that recognition, that understanding, where i stopped trying to be grown up and just shut the fuck up. my writing is less pretentious now because of that - to me anyway - and i feel more at home with myself concerning how a life is penned.

as a nit-pick, your line breaks are a little off. they could certainly do with a tweak. i will point those out later. also, try re-wording your sentences. take what you have and literally flip them upside down. you don't always have to use what you've got, but it may inspire you, and spur you onto something different, as this lacks content - other than a few lines describing one very common (but powerful) topic.
and at times, the piece seems a little clumsy because of your lack of fluidity. most people don't necessarily have an issue with flow, but this seems constrained by the fact that you only wanted to portray a specific idea, and nothing else - and i do love that (to a certain degree) seeing someone proud of the point, unwilling to waver, is great. but in this case, you may be able to reorganise your structure, whilst still retain the point. it's a fine balance, being able to distinguish where to draw the line, but i think you should work on it.


Verse 1

I try so many times to please you

I try so many times to care
this is fine. it's so simple, you can't go wrong...
Just can't find the strength anymore to
... but you do. the flow is lost and the idea is ruined. and because this has so little in it, it relies so heavily on clear, untainted emotion.
Want you to see all our flaws together
similarly, this doesn't have that "natural, honest kick" to it that the opening two lines had. try and stick to that childish innocence. try and stick to a repeating "voice", or "tone".

Verse 2
Yet I can't help but stare at the phone

Waiting for your next call
nice
Just want you to know
here you are again, beginning the sentence with "just" - it's clumsy.
Your everything I dream for
lovely ending. it perfectly encapsulates what you were trying to portray.

so overall, i think you need to advance some of your thoughts. find out why you feel like you do? how did you get there? what reminds you of it? why did you decide to write in this way? discover those subtleties and further them - maybe into a scene full of imagery and poetical techniques. use something else to express yourself.

also, really try and work on flow. read something (anything) that feels fluid and unintentionally pretty. a writer who is natural is a writer who is always respected, no matter what you write on.

i hope i could of helped. this was a tender read.