#1
Shut up with the sunglass glass eyes, as you co-conspire with your popped coke bottle, lookin' all vintage and classy.
you got the eyes to bring down america,
and the teeth to eat the eagles,
but you gotta spread it to get it.
fuck.
every little boxed homeless birthday present
presents you with a pleasant retrospect,
of your docked boat horizon.
realizing you don't have much don't give much,
your family friends and friend's family all giggle.
banking on you being dead by the time you are thirty,
and when the thirty-five roles around,
the banks break busting down on you with,
molten defunct capitalism.
and you keep bleeding into monopoly money,
until the coagulation provides the proper information
to get your boarding pass on the outbound in.

and you are going to keep faking the fast way through sour tongues
praying the rain has its shore leave and blocks out the sun.
because as long as your carnival is flooded and the funeral drenched,
you'll be smiling.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Jul 25, 2009,
#4
Shut up with the sunglass glass eyes, as you co-conspire with your popped coke bottle, lookin' all vintage and classy.
you got the eyes to bring down america,
and the teeth to eat the eagles,
but you gotta spread it to get it.
fuck.

I honestly do not know why the **** was at all necessary; it almost cried for attention, I'm sorry. But apart from that little qualm this was great and I enjoyed the subtle but effective, internal rhyming.

every little boxed homeless birthday present
presents you with a pleasant retrospect,
of your docked boat horizon.
realizing you don't have much don't give much,
your family friends and friend's family all giggle.
banking on you being dead by the time you are thirty,
and when the thirty-five roles around,
the banks break busting down on you with,
molten defunct capitalism.
and you keep bleeding into monopoly money,
until the coagulation provides the proper information
to get your boarding pass on the outbound in.

You have certainly improved your Game, haven't you. You puntuated to perfection and your choice of words were quite unreal. This was truly great and really does stand out on its own. This gets two thumbs up.

and you are going to keep faking the fast way through sour tongues
praying the rain has its shore leave and blocks out the sun.
because as long as your carnival is flooded and the funeral drenched,
you'll be smiling.

I really did wish you kept with the structure you had earlier, because man, it was excellent. This was good but it didn't reach its full potential, perhaps.


I'm glad I stoped here. As always, it was a great read.

If you have time please check out my latest piece; here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1169354