#1
A repost of my old lyrics, the other one was locked because of a very naughty bump by me sorry dudes

I've finally found a proper title for this set. So I hope you enjoy it!
C4C if you want it!

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To see all the world fall behind you
At only the sight of contention
Is not an encounter that
Leaves you broken and senseless

For you've seen this before
The witness the judge and the jury
All turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony

Know not when it ends
You hear deathly voices bordering
The way your era is led
The way your fate shall end

Wait only next morning
When the dawn heeds an unknown road
The path in the wake shines
Though the blood was spilt before

But you know the spite
That lingers in loathing contempt
Just turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony

Consume your grievance
For nothing can stop this
Especially you
Who believes the deceit of the named
#2
Quote by crisisinheaven
To see all the world fall behind you
At only the sight of contention
Is not an encounter that
Leaves you broken and senseless
'Is not an encounter that/leaves you broken and senseless' feels odd to me. It doesn't flow and sounds a little forced.

For you've seen this before
The witness the judge and the jury
All turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
Love this stanza; the second line throws the flow a little bit, but I can definitely see how it would fit within a musical context.

Know not when it ends
You hear deathly voices bordering
The way your era is led
The way your fate shall end
The last two lines are very obviously forced and it gives the stanza a weak 'meh' feeling to it.

Wait only next morning
When the dawn heeds an unknown road
The path in the wake shines
Though the blood was spilt before

But you know the spite
That lingers in loathing contempt
Just turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
Digging these two a lot!

Consume your grievance
For nothing can stop this
Especially you
Who believes the deceit of the named
This is okay but the first two lines are forced and totally disrupt the flow of it.


Overall I liked it a Hell of a lot. Great job, man.

no.
#3
Blue --> my thoughts
Red --> Grammar/WordRecommendations

To see all the world fall behind you
What about it? It seems like this is a "what if" kind of thing. Why not just say "Watch the world fall behind you"?
At only the sight of contention.
It is not an encounter that
Leaves you broken and senseless.

For you've seen this before
The witness, the judge, and the jury
All turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
I'm not keen on the way this is said. the "false harmony" thing. What are they even turning away from? Also, turning away would be cowardice which is the opposite of pride.

Know not when it ends
You hear deathly voices bordering
Ah, now you're showing me, rather than tellling me. Make me part of the story, don't tell the story like you have been.
The way your era is led
The way your fate shall end
The repititon of "end" didn't bother me too much and the rest of the repitition worked fairly well.

Wait only next morning
Back to telling me. Immerse me in the story.
When the dawn heeds an unknown road
The path in the wake shines
Though the blood was spilt before
Perhaps the most brutal statement in here. For "lamb of god"like lyrics its been a very soft/mellow read until this.

But you know the spite
That lingers in loathing contempt
Just turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
Same as before, however, it does make more sense than the first time.

Consume your grievance
For nothing can stop this
Especially you
Especially you? as in I can't stop this. Or nothing can stop me?
Who believes the deceit of the named


Not bad sir, not bad at all.
I became lazy and stopped doing grammar/puntuation but that isn't anything major.
Tune down 2 full steps and get some kick ass riffs and this could very well work.
For the future though, you were telling me to do things rather than showing me (if that makes sense). Show/Make the reader more a part of it. Stay away from when/if this happens blah blah blah. Have some nail your balls to the wall action. Have everything happen in present tense. It absorbs the reader and is more enjoyable/real.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#4
Quote by crisisinheaven
A repost of my old lyrics, the other one was locked because of a very naughty bump by me sorry dudes

I've finally found a proper title for this set. So I hope you enjoy it!
C4C if you want it!

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To see all the world fall behind you A bit confusing... I see what you mean but it needs better wording
At only the sight of contention
Is not an encounter that I would put It's or It is
Leaves you broken and senseless


For you've seen this before
The witness the judge and the jury
All turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
Like this one quite a bit. Maybe their pride instead of the?

Know not when it ends
You hear deathly voices bordering
The way your era is led
The way your fate shall end
The last two lines would be good somewhere else, but here it sounds like you just tried to squeeze them in somewhere.

Wait only next morning
When the dawn heeds an unknown road
The path in the wake shines
Though the blood was spilt before
Love the last two lines, the first two don't really make sense to me. Try rewording it a bit, I can see it being great, just needs a bit of twisting!

But you know the spite
That lingers in loathing contempt
Just turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
I think "all the spite" would make it flow better. Same thing as above for last 2.

Consume your grievance
For nothing can stop this
Especially you
Who believes the deceit of the named
I really like this one, nothing to say about it


Pretty good, I like it except for a few things.
Though I've never really crit something before, and I'm probably a complete dumb ass when it comes to this, those are just my thoughts

any chance of c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=20946479#post20946479
Drink the sauce. Go on, it's okay. Just remember, I am the quest.

Quote by illuminatiano
YOU ARE A NO GOOD LAZY FORGETFUL STONER WITH NO FUTURE YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO SOCIETY
#5
Just an explanation of some common questions:

The first verse is meant to be read as one whole sentence, it does make sense, it just requires a bit of thought. (Contention means conflict.)

The second verse, the "witness, judge and jury" are turning away from the conflict. It is not meant to be a verse about pride and standing up against a force, it is a metaphor in showing that authorities are not interested and let the conflict sort out itself.

One of the reasons why this particular set of lyrics isn't as jam packed with guts and glory as the next metal song is because it is meant to be thought of as a global metaphor. This is a song about conflict between those who raise you (eg: parents, presidents, etc.).

Yep, so a bit of wordiness in there but I hope it will clear up a few things from the last two critisicms. Cheers! C4C