#1
You’re the queen of all the ashes and bones
In this dusty little town; A smile and nod,
the quicker they fall- but you wish they’d
get up from their knees and hide their faces.

What is it, Queen that makes you so
Right down to your royal bones?
I can wish on every clock in every room,
but which will make me just like you?

Do you ever wonder why they love you, Queen?
Do you ever wonder if they’d love you if
Your face were hidden? Your eyes were gone?
Would they fall if you weren’t ruling them all?

What is it, Queen that makes you so,
right down to your royal bones?
I can cross my fingers and hold my breath, too
but how long until I’m just like you?

Queen, will you deny me?
Will you send me to the gallows?
All I ask is for a bit of luck, Queen
And it seems you have plenty.
---
inspired by the dresden dolls.
not a big fan of it, but who actually likes their own work?
c4c.

no.
#2
Quote by braineater.
You’re the queen of all the ashes and bones
In this dusty little town; A smile and nod,
the quicker they fall- but you wish they’d
get up from their knees and hide their faces.

nice opening description and introduction to the character. would prefer it if the lines flowed and made better sense though (eg: the quicker they fall- but you'd wish they'd...). good job anyway

What is it, Queen that makes you so
Right down to your royal bones?
I can wish on every clock in every room,
but which will make me just like you?

Loved this stanza, especially the second line. nice job in fitting right and royal together. do the clocks have any specific meaning?

Do you ever wonder why they love you, Queen?
Do you ever wonder if they’d love you if
Your face were hidden? Your eyes were gone?
Would they fall if you weren’t ruling them all?

Good rhetorical questions here. Liked the idea of anarchy in the mind of a monarch

What is it, Queen that makes you so,
right down to your royal bones?
I can cross my fingers and hold my breath, too
but how long until I’m just like you?

i thought this stanza was slightly weak. perhaps if you moved away from the idea of being like the queen, the words wouldnt sound as repetitive

Queen, will you deny me?
Will you send me to the gallows?
All I ask is for a bit of luck, Queen
And it seems you have plenty.

Very nice stanza here, liked the idea of giving from a monarch. Perhaps you could build up this idea on the previous stanza?
---
inspired by the dresden dolls.
not a big fan of it, but who actually likes their own work?
c4c.


overall great job, really deep and meaningful, yet just those first and second to last stanzas could use some work.

if you would, check out my lyrics i've recently posted up https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1169497

would appreciate some crits here
Cheers!
#3
Thank you, and I will definitely check yours out in a sec.

The clocks (god I'm going to sound like such a chick) are just a reference to people wishing on 11:11, 12:34, whatever other time they wish on. It was the 'oh, that's a good line' line that made me want to write the song. Definitely in agreement on the second to last, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it....

no.