#1
C4C


She feels the pressures of the world on her shoulders
She always feels like its almost over
but then she takes another look around
and sees shes still on the ground

When you feel the sky is falling
Just hold on to me
Ill be there through it all
just you wait and see

You walk home and you see him there
you act as though you dont care
Just another hit or two
And you'll be permonately black and blue

He pins you there, their unaware
to busy watching **** on tv
to her there only daughter scream
its like one seriously screwed up dream

When you feel the sky is falling
Just hold on to me
Ill be there through it all
just you wait and see
#2
the ideas you write about are good, but the elementary rhymes ruin the piece for me. The flow is forced and unnatural. I will say I like the last two lines in the third stanza. Hope this helped
#3
partially agree with hippieboy
elementary rhymes, forced flow etc. ruin it, and suggest someone who's new at writing poetry. the subject matter isnt much better thought. this is the same self-important trash every teenager feels. unoriginal. its a fine start, but if youve been writing for a while, you may want to work on your style, and developing your voice.

c4c? most recent is 'Soapbox'. its in my sig
cheers
~b
#4
It was alright, but I agree the rhyming seems forced just remember that you dont have to rhyme to make it a song or poem, but if you do decide to put music to it, I doubt most people listening will say this song sucks cause the rhyming is forced if you dont mind criting my piece liquid courage I would appericate it
#5
The only part that I thought was noticeably forced, and kind of messed up the flow of the piece was this line: "Just another hit or two / and you'll be permanently black and blue". I understand what you're saying here, it's just that the way you executed it that made it sound forced.

Another suggestion I would give would be in the chorus. It came across as very cliche and what you wrote has been done countless times. You can definitely find a more original way of saying that.

However, I do like the theme of it but the way you executed did not off as original. I agree with chordmonger that you should definitely keep writing to hone your own voice.

I hope this didn't come off as too harsh. Keep in mind, that this is just my opinion.
here, My Dear, here it is