#1
Here it is in iambic pentameter, I want to add more. I'd just like a criticism of what I have so far so I know how to style the next part.

I.

My love will be mute, barren, desperate,
Nurtured dolefully by mistaken thoughts.
Let it trouble you no more, let it be
my burden to keep. Let you love tomorrow,
But love, not me, of others will you dream**.
And I will envy them, wish them torment,
My errant desire be unnoticed.
For what God would answer to my prayers?
There is none accepting of what I have done
I have maimed love for all to bear witness
It lies at my feet weeping its awful
poison. I am deserving of its bane.

Thanks guys, and if I messed up the meter somewhere tell me. (I stressed desire as a 3 syllable word)

** I didn't really fancy using dream here, what do you guys think of speak or throw out another monosyllabic word if you want.
Last edited by LordByron at Jul 25, 2009,
#2
My love will be mute, barren, desperate,
You're saying too much here with your selection of words. It's easy to pick up a dictionary/thesaurus (your own personal vocabulary) and write down the most fluid terminology you believe will phrase your thoughts. What's difficult, is actually avoiding those words at all cost. That's what I've been trying to do at the moment - along with a myriad other shortcomings - instead of utilizing the first thing that comes to the brain, revitalize that "thing" (word, image, scenario, story) by turning it inside out. Really open it up and see why you like it? Why you want to utilize it? Why was it first "invented"? etc.
Yes, what you have is nice, but it's very basic.

Nurtured dolefully by mistaken thoughts.
The word "dolefully" is apt and well thought out. It contributes greatly to what is being said and corresponds perfectly with "nurtured" and the feeling of progression and encouragement. It's saddening - in the good sense - that you then bring it back to 'tears' by using "mistaken thoughts". Very nice writing.
Let it trouble you no more, let it be
my burden to keep. Let you love tomorrow,
But love, not me, of others will you dream**.
This needs to be reworded entirely. I feel like taken on too much for both your abilities, and what the piece requires. Line-breaks take years to get right. I've learnt it's best to keep them as simple as possible. Only when you are in perfect control do you use them to this degree and attempted affect. Only then will they open up poetry for more than what we - the normal folk - perceive it to be.
And I will envy them, wish them torment,
My errant desire be unnoticed.
This has the same problem as before. It's just telling me something. It's boring.|

For what God would answer to my prayers?
I don't think "to" should be here. Unless you purposefully wanted bad grammar?

There is none accepting of what I have done
I have maimed love for all to bear witness
Once again, your correlation with words is touching and caring. "maimed" and "bear" are perfect together, if a bit humorous and dark. It still feels a bit dictionary-esque though.

It lies at my feet weeping its awful
poison. I am deserving of its bane.
You had such emotion before, and this was a bit anticlimactic. The line-break posed problems again, also. "bane, "poison, "weeping, "lie - it's all a bit dramatic, and because the rest of the piece was similarly portrayed, everything loses it's drama, thus making it anticlimactic, as I said. Leave drama to when you're really good... and to the big screen.

Well done.
#3
this is a stunning first attempt at a poem.
angrygoldfish got basically everything I would say.

change the title of this thread to either the title of the poem or untitled, It currently breaks the rules and I wouldn't want this to be closed.
this one is for you.
#4
I have to disagree with Angrygoldfish in scaring you away from this style of writing. A strict writing scheme such as iambic pentameter is difficult to write in, but the restrictions foster fantastic creativity. Your line breaks may detract somewhat from the piece if improperly used, but practice makes perfect. I really like the iambic pentameter style. It brings rhythym to a piece of writing and you have used it at least adequately here. I'd be interested in seeing more in this style of writing, perhaps straying from poems about love, even though that meter is often associated with that theme.
#5
I'm not trying to scare him away from it, simply encourage him to write within a unit of comfort to begin with. If you experiment so early on, it leaves less room for advancement and furtherment of talent.
But there is nothing that says one must stop writing altogether in this fashion just because they don't excell in it, but the fact of the matter is, no matter what style a poem is written in - it could be the most techincally complicated poem ever composed - if I don't like it, I'm going to suggest to do something else.
I did like this though. You have potential. Seriously potential. I'd just hate to think the emotion of poety would be lost because you become too wrapped up in "style", thus taking away the creativity that often coincides with unique textures and methods.

Just my thoughts.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 29, 2009,