#1
Rough times. This is what I feel today. Not gonna lie, it's ****ty. This is nothing spectacular, or beautiful. Just needed to get it out. C4C Cheers.......


Something Other Than A Joke Please?


People are stupid
Write things on themselves with magic markers
Beat on their parents
Drink endless amounts of coffee

Lie in the road and keep your secrets pinned between you and the pavement
Nowhere is safe, but this sure does create the illusion
The cool black tar keeps everything in its place
Nothing moves, nothing changes
Ever
The street light deadens the blows
Makes it all a little easier to wrap your mind around
You die a little bit slower, but at least you know what’s going on

There’s no way to say it
Every time you try you just end up spitting blood on the concrete
Clawing at your throat with your fingernails
Trying to understand something you shouldn't have to
Wishing things worked out differently
That maybe you had a little more control
That god would just once be on your side

Deafening sound of the freeway
Calms the thoughts and rationalizes other people’s words
“Why don’t you ****ing call her and ask her?”
Why don’t you ****ing call her?
You’re the one she hates
You’re the one she misses

You never even see it coming
A car crash with razor blade headlights
Takes your breath away and dangles it in front of you
“Remember this?”
“Remember how nice it is to breathe?”
That one pure second of shock and hatred
You wonder what went wrong
But don’t dare ask

There are so many monsters
Grow up fast or become the energy transported through the food chain
A statistic
A number
A joke

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#3
Quote by genghisgandhi
very raw cobainish. i like it


Always a pleasure to be compared to Kurt! Thanks.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#4
Quote by musicjunkie207
Rough times. This is what I feel today. Not gonna lie, it's ****ty. This is nothing spectacular, or beautiful. Just needed to get it out. C4C Cheers.......


Something Other Than A Joke Please?


People are stupid
its true, but i dont like it as an intro line
Write things on themselves with magic markers
Beat on their parents
Drink endless amounts of coffee
these, also, are true, but it makes you sound like an angry old man. especially because its not expanded upon

Lie in the road and keep your secrets pinned between you and the pavement
Nowhere is safe, but this sure does create the illusion
The cool black tar keeps everything in its place
Nothing moves, nothing changes
Ever
The street light deadens the blows
Makes it all a little easier to wrap your mind around
You die a little bit slower, but at least you know what’s going on
this, i feel, gettins too much attention. the whole stanza is focused on, more or less, ways to lessen an undescribed pain- which leads the reader to assume the 'pain' in question is life itself. i feel like its a bad subject because its too general. easier to get behind a more specific pain. sounds almost melodramatic

There’s no way to say it
Every time you try you just end up spitting blood on the concrete
Clawing at your throat with your fingernails
Trying to understand something you shouldn't have to
Wishing things worked out differently
That maybe you had a little more control
That god would just once be on your side
heres where i see good things happening. i like the image of clawing your throat. animalistic. tasteful. taken apart from the earlier melodrama it has more credence. after that line, it starts to get more personal i think.

Deafening sound of the freeway
Calms the thoughts and rationalizes other people’s words
dont like the choice of 'rationalizes'. sounds awkward.
“Why don’t you ****ing call her and ask her?”
Why don’t you ****ing call her?
You’re the one she hates
You’re the one she misses
i feel like that first quoted line could do without the "f***", not because i care about 'bad words' (a myth), but because it would add syntactical variety. the juxtaposition of 'hates' and 'misses' is also quite nice

You never even see it coming
A car crash with razor blade headlights
razor blade headlights is pretty cool
Takes your breath away and dangles it in front of you
“Remember this?”
“Remember how nice it is to breathe?”
That one pure second of shock and hatred
"hatred" feels completely wrong here
You wonder what went wrong
But don’t dare ask

There are so many monsters
this is a great line. i dont rightly know why it fits so well, but it just does
Grow up fast or become the energy transported through the food chain
the growing up thing works. the food chain IDEA works, but the phrasing sounds too much like a highschol bio textbook
A statistic
A number
A joke
statistic works. number works. i like the idea to have the third line be different for contrast. but joke to me.....eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh


all in all, this is not bad. what bothered me the most are the first lines of each stanza. it makes it feel like their paragraphs instead of stanzas. very disruptive.
also- LESS WALLOWING, MORE DESCRIPTION. i dont agree that its Cobain-esque, but it IS promising. good work, and i hope to see a revision of this.

c4c would be appreciated. please crit my most recent- 'Soapbox' - in my sig
cheers
~b