#1
Don't know if it's ready or not. I have a feeling this is as ready as it'll ever be. At least you'll get to see how close (or far) I was to writing something decent. Please don't hold back, because I enjoy the mockery.

Photo I Found
She was sitting in the airport
with this comfort on her face,
grazed by soft eyes around her, then forgotten.
How it should be.
Maybe a moment of judging
from the bystanders.
The hair, the eyes. "She's pretty,"
-fwoof-
like a band aid.
She didn't think much of it, I'm sure.
A good sign, I'm sure.
Didn't have to think twice
about where to go next,
or where she was now.
Ticket in hand, a twenty in her pocket,
gate 31, after coffee.
She would find grand ma ma
on the other side.
No doubt in any shot of her.
If anything, she was relishing the moment.

It was her sister with the camera.
I can't imagine what they were smiling about
when the photos were taken.
Nothing particular about the time or place,
but there was no doubt
what the speaker had said.

It takes a speaker to photograph
such mundane happenings,
-A close-up smile,
or her standing amidst the massive airport
thinking "where are we?"
with a chuckle.-
and have them say so much.
There was no doubt about it,
she was happy.

Whoever she was, wherever
she can be found,
I want her.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jul 26, 2009,
#2
Very interesting idea. however, I think without the title, this piece falls a bit flat. we don't get the full scale of what you rae doing... and I hate when pieces depend on the title. I feel they should stand on their own without needing a name to tell you what its on about.

however, this was fairly well done. A lot of the repetitions such as "I'm sure."

The end was, meh... those last three lines do no justice to anything you've painted and created. They are lifeless because there isn't any emotion in them. Scream it at me, moan it at me... do something besides monotone the hell out of me. Add some flavor there, vanilla ice. I guess it also bothers me because you create this whole back story for her... you talk about how the sister was taking the picture... you create this world for her; but then you back out and pretend like you didn't already assign an identity to her. **** it man, name her. Give her a social security number in your imagination... give me an identity to love. Tell me how gorgeous she is... don't make me assume it from the "aww she's pretty" thing you did. Give me more than a vague painting... give me more than background noise. make her a focal point of your painting and strike at my heart. You created this wonderful place for a story to happen... you put the dolls into motion; now go back and paint the dolls into life. Give them details and make them unique and whatnot. It's an imaginary story, about an imaginary story... you can create anything you want for your characters details; just like you did for their backstory. Until you do, this will remain a lifeless (but great) idea.


Assume the position in sig if you want, I'm sure I owed you anyways.