#1
threw this together a few days back. just finished editing it. hope you guys like it. c4c as always, feel free to tear it to bits
~b


i don't care that i'm deflecting
this is the most vulnerable i've been
defenses prepared for court
i know the spotlight is burning me alive [end scene]
a jury eyes their Joan of Arc
an audience of nonplussed stares marked
'return to sender'
all enveloping.

i've got a briefcase full of futuresight
i swear i'm right, i've seen the truth.
the judge, massive and faceless
clutches his heart
the gavel falls, justice goes limp
shooting pains and court dismissed
a hang jury, hung up on being impartial
tip-toed out the backdoor- you can never be too careful.

the pews are splattered with slander
massacre without intention (a crime unknown).
i blamed myself, i let her decide
the punishments as i fell.
finally i saw that sexless eyes
beneath a blindfold
stare apathetically grey
just, before the scales, tipped
and the sword of a woman scorned
made its final point.
Last edited by ChordMonger at Aug 8, 2009,
#2
this peice has great imagery, metaphors and analaogies. it was extremely well written. i can't say there's really anything bad about it.
#4
I really enjoyed this mainly because of the subtleties that you used here. For example, this line really stood out to me: "i know the spotlight is burning me alive / a jury eyes their Joan of Arc". You very sneakily accompany a image of the narrator burning alive with a Joan of Arc allusion (who was, obviously, burned alive during her execution). Very nice.

Another image I really thought was great was in the lines:
"finally i saw the sexless eyes
beneath the blindfold
stared apathetically grey
just before the scales tipped
and the sword of a woman scorned
made its final point"
- To me, it seems like you were playing on the phrase "justice is blind" in this set of lines. This woman, who is deciding the narrator's verdict, is lifting up her blindfold, essentially letting "justice" look at what is at stake. After justice gains her sight, the "scales tip" (I'm assuming from the balancing scale image?) meaning that nothing is fair nor equal anymore, finally culminating with the hint of a figurative execution by the hand of this woman in the final two lines.

All in all, I personally interpreted this entire thing as a metaphor for a break-up, and an ugly one at that. The narrator has his case planned out, he knows that he is right and he knows the truth about their situation. But all of this is to no avail: it seems like the judge for his case has a heart attack, which leaves his opponent (his ex-girlfriend) to decide the verdict which, as I said before, culminates in his demise. I still haven't decided if the narrator is pleading his case to get her back or if they are fighting over who is the cause of the break-up. I will read it over a few times to see.

That's just how I interpreted it so I could very well be extremely off. I have nothing really negative to say here so I apologize in that respect. Great piece nonetheless.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Quote by ChordMonger
i appreciate it, but was it at all enjoyable?
~b

My first read through captured my attention though it was difficult to comprehend. My second read through made it even more enjoyable and wrapped up the lose ends.
#6
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I really enjoyed this mainly because of the subtleties that you used here. For example, this line really stood out to me: "i know the spotlight is burning me alive / a jury eyes their Joan of Arc". You very sneakily accompany a image of the narrator burning alive with a Joan of Arc allusion (who was, obviously, burned alive during her execution). Very nice.

Another image I really thought was great was in the lines:
"finally i saw the sexless eyes
beneath the blindfold
stared apathetically grey
just before the scales tipped
and the sword of a woman scorned
made its final point"
- To me, it seems like you were playing on the phrase "justice is blind" in this set of lines. This woman, who is deciding the narrator's verdict, is lifting up her blindfold, essentially letting "justice" look at what is at stake. After justice gains her sight, the "scales tip" (I'm assuming from the balancing scale image?) meaning that nothing is fair nor equal anymore, finally culminating with the hint of a figurative execution by the hand of this woman in the final two lines.

All in all, I personally interpreted this entire thing as a metaphor for a break-up, and an ugly one at that. The narrator has his case planned out, he knows that he is right and he knows the truth about their situation. But all of this is to no avail: it seems like the judge for his case has a heart attack, which leaves his opponent (his ex-girlfriend) to decide the verdict which, as I said before, culminates in his demise. I still haven't decided if the narrator is pleading his case to get her back or if they are fighting over who is the cause of the break-up. I will read it over a few times to see.

That's just how I interpreted it so I could very well be extremely off. I have nothing really negative to say here so I apologize in that respect. Great piece nonetheless.


ahaha, you dont have to appologise for having nothing negative to say. i will say, you were awfully close to what i was thinking when i wrote it with the "justice is blind" phrase. i was actually envisioning the Lady Justice statue, blindfolded with sword and scale in hand, and that the narrator had jumped onto the statue, thusly being stabbed by the sword. i didnt not have a break-up in mind at the time, but im sure some of the pent-up stress from fights with my girl worked its way in there
nice detective work on the heart attack thing by the way. i wasnt sure it was clear enough.

i thought i'd also ask (since you brought up the last few lines), if this was perhaps too far-fetched, but i had intended the line "just before the scales tipped" to be able to be read in two, contrasting ways. 1) just before- meaning at the moment prior to. OR 2) just (morally correct), before the scales, tipped [she was the noble one, and the scales of justice were inherently corrupt].

hope that helps and thanks for the crits
~b

ChordEdit: Venus, i just saw that you posted something. ill start critting that now
Last edited by ChordMonger at Jul 27, 2009,
#7
Quote by ChordMonger
threw this together a few days back. just finished editing it. hope you guys like it. c4c as always, feel free to tear it to bits
~b


i don't care that i'm deflecting
this is the most vulnerable i've been I'd like to see a little more description here. Just adding the word "since" and describing an event that hints at the characters situation would be great. But that's just me.
defenses prepared for court
i know the spotlight is burning me aliveLove this line the image of burning fits great
a jury eyes their Joan of Arc
an audience of nonplussed stares marked
'return to sender'
all enveloping.
my toes break each other spitefully
out of sight, out of mind
they cant know
they need to know
i've got a briefcase full of futuresight
i swear i'm right, i've seen the truth.I don't know why I love this line. But I do. I like that you said "seen the truth" instead of "heard the truth"
the judge, massive and faceless
clutches his heart
he bangs the gavel, we watch the arm of justice go limp
shooting pains and court dismissed
a hang jury, and a dead witness.
the pews are splattered with slander Imagery is great
massacre without intention (a crime unknown).
i blamed myself, i let her decide
the punishments as i fell.
finally i saw the sexless eyes
beneath the blindfold
stared apathetically grey
just before the scales tipped
and the sword of a woman scorned
made its final point.


I really liked this peice. I really have nothing bad to say about it. The only thing is the begining. I just wanted the first few lines to be a bit more descriptive. Otherwise I loved it.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#8
i don't care that i'm deflecting
this is the most vulnerable i've been
defenses prepared for court
i know the spotlight is burning me alive
a jury eyes their Joan of Arc
an audience of nonplussed stares marked
'return to sender'
all enveloping.
my toes break each other spitefully <- I can't see the purpose of this and the next three lines. It feels like you just thought the line sounded cool and wanted to fit it in somehow.
out of sight, out of mind
they cant know
they need to know
i've got a briefcase full of futuresight <- Are you the lawyer or the defendant? And hindsight would make more sense to me, considering you're talking about defending a court case, which deals with the past. That's just a tiny point though.
i swear i'm right, i've seen the truth.
the judge, massive and faceless -> This description didn't do anything for me. Felt kind of bland.
clutches his heart
he bangs the gavel, we watch the arm of justice go limp -> If he's going to bang the gavel it would make more sense that he did it before he clutches his heart, which he wouldn't have done until after the shooting pains. The events in these few lines seem out of sequence.
shooting pains and court dismissed
a hang jury, and a dead witness. -> Where did the witness come from? You hadn't mentioned one before (unless I missed it) and it comes out of nowhere. It doesn't seem to have any relevance in the rest of the piece either (again, unless I missed it), which leaves me to think that maybe you mentioned it for the sole purpose of cramming as much court room lingo in as you could. When writing a piece with this kind of structure you can't afford to waste lines with things that aren't relevant to what you're saying.
the pews are splattered with slander
massacre without intention (a crime unknown).
i blamed myself, i let her decide <- You changed tenses out of nowhere. If you think the ending needs to be past tense then you need to find a better way to make the transition. A tense change needs to make sense.
the punishments as i fell. <- The way this was written, I originally gave no merit to this line. Not until I read your explanation did I realize that it was supposed to hold any weight, and I definitely would have never guessed that the narrator was falling onto the sword. If that's what your intended meaning is, then you need to get that idea across better, and again you need to lead into it in a way that makes more sense.
finally i saw the sexless eyes
beneath the blindfold
stared apathetically grey
just before the scales tipped
and the sword of a woman scorned
made its final point.

There are some interesting thoughts here, and some clever lines, but at the same time you have a lot of lines here that tell us what is happening, but leave us no way of figuring out why these things are happening.

My suggestion would be to either expand the piece or shorten it. Right now you have a bunch of small ideas that you're cramming into a fairly small piece, which doesn't allow you to spend any reasonable amount of time on any one of them. So you could either expand on each idea and explain them so that their presence makes sense, or you could take out any ideas that could be deemed unnecessary.

I hope this is what you were looking for.

Thanks a lot for the critique on mine.


Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 28, 2009,
#9
Quote by bassbeat77
i don't care that i'm deflecting
this is the most vulnerable i've been
defenses prepared for court
i know the spotlight is burning me alive
a jury eyes their Joan of Arc
an audience of nonplussed stares marked
'return to sender'
all enveloping.
my toes break each other spitefully <- I can't see the purpose of this and the next three lines. It feels like you just thought the line sounded cool and wanted to fit it in somehow.
out of sight, out of mind
they cant know
they need to know
i've got a briefcase full of futuresight <- Are you the lawyer or the defendant? And hindsight would make more sense to me, considering you're talking about defending a court case, which deals with the past. That's just a tiny point though.
i swear i'm right, i've seen the truth.
the judge, massive and faceless -> This description didn't do anything for me. Felt kind of bland.
clutches his heart
he bangs the gavel, we watch the arm of justice go limp -> If he's going to bang the gavel it would make more sense that he did it before he clutches his heart, which he wouldn't have done until after the shooting pains. The events in these few lines seem out of sequence.
shooting pains and court dismissed
a hang jury, and a dead witness. -> Where did the witness come from? You hadn't mentioned one before (unless I missed it) and it comes out of nowhere. It doesn't seem to have any relevance in the rest of the piece either (again, unless I missed it), which leaves me to think that maybe you mentioned it for the sole purpose of cramming as much court room lingo in as you could. When writing a piece with this kind of structure you can't afford to waste lines with things that aren't relevant to what you're saying.
the pews are splattered with slander
massacre without intention (a crime unknown).
i blamed myself, i let her decide <- You changed tenses out of nowhere. If you think the ending needs to be past tense then you need to find a better way to make the transition. A tense change needs to make sense.
the punishments as i fell. <- The way this was written, I originally gave no merit to this line. Not until I read your explanation did I realize that it was supposed to hold any weight, and I definitely would have never guessed that the narrator was falling onto the sword. If that's what your intended meaning is, then you need to get that idea across better, and again you need to lead into it in a way that makes more sense.
finally i saw the sexless eyes
beneath the blindfold
stared apathetically grey
just before the scales tipped
and the sword of a woman scorned
made its final point.

There are some interesting thoughts here, and some clever lines, but at the same time you have a lot of lines here that tell us what is happening, but leave us no way of figuring out why these things are happening.

My suggestion would be to either expand the piece or shorten it. Right now you have a bunch of small ideas that you're cramming into a fairly small piece, which doesn't allow you to spend any reasonable amount of time on any one of them. So you could either expand on each idea and explain them so that their presence makes sense, or you could take out any ideas that could be deemed unnecessary.

I hope this is what you were looking for.

Thanks a lot for the critique on mine.




lots of thanks bassbeat

i write stream of concious. i try as best i can to get into the sort of mindset i want, and then i dont stop writing continuously until the piece is done, or until i lose focus. i edit for spelling/grammar, and then let you guys tear it up.

the lines about the toes were trying to relate a sense of anxiousness. i dont think it came across as it should have, and i appreciate that you made a note of it. when you asked later if the protagonist was the lawyer or the defendant, it made me realize that i hadnt necessarily written myself into either part completely, and i almost like it that way. as for 'hang jury, dead witness', yes, the witness is not a relevant character. it was more used to attach more of a morbid imagery to the phrase 'hang jury', but there are better ways to do that. again, appreciated. do you think it would make more sense, when the tense changes, to allow a line break? or did you have something more complex in mind to transition more cleanly?
lastly, the sword part: i already sent this to a good friend of mine, and he too had trouble discerning that part of the piece. i know i need to work out a way to make it a little more obvious. as for the 'why its happening' aspect of it, im not sure it enters into it. i didnt write this with an intention in mind, and i think ill have significant difficulty trying to form one out of whats here. its hard enough editing these things, since what i add never really feels as natural as what i can think of while its happening. thanks again
~b
Last edited by ChordMonger at Jul 29, 2009,
#10
With the tenses, if the part in past had come before the present then yeah, I'd say a break would probably be a big improvement. Since the present came first though, I still don't know if it would make enough sense even with a break. If you can't come up with anything else though, then I think a break is better than nothing.
#12
I felt like there was too many ideas and not enough content. I understand stream of consciousness writing... but if you simply write *witty image line*[linebreak]*witty follow up to image*[linebreak]*new witty image line*[linebreak]*random image* nothing is ever offered to the reader besides a few "pizazzy" one liners and semi-decent idea on the whole. You need to go back and expand on teh situation... the "emotions" behind the piece. I can tell there was something due to your tone and word choices... and I got the "semi-story" behind. But you really don't play up the strengths of your images and ideas which makes this come across as underdeveloped and a bit lack-luster.

You have some great one liners... go back and build them up, make them shine through, and stop tucking them into underdeveloped thoughts. Sometimes in writing, you need to highlight your strengths in order to bury the weakness of your style... and that is what I would recommend for you here.
#14
I personally don't see where this saturation of thoughts comes into play. I felt that this remained unwavering throughout all it's repetitions, with a single continuance metaphor that held together a point quite well. It's not as clear as I personally like, but that's hearsay...


i don't care that i'm deflecting
this is the most vulnerable i've been
I like how the opening line feels so stubbornly gravelly that it becomes "vulnerable" in itself. Maybe punctuation at the end could help the motion become more enjoyable instead of meaningful. A balance between the two is important to me.
defenses prepared for court
i know the spotlight is burning me alive [end scene]
This has a very obtrusive and thick sense of flow. It's not awful, but maybe could be improved – or maybe a point of the awkwardness could be made more clear?
a jury eyes their Joan of Arc
I'm not quite sure why you brought in specific history into this, as I don't sense you really understand the full facts around her and her incarceration/execution. It works in another way though. Maybe keep with what everyone knows you know? I dunno.

an audience of nonplussed stares marked
The last three words don't go together at all. Maybe in another language, but not in boring, broken English.
'return to sender'
all enveloping.
I'm afraid I have to say, I don't really understand these last few lines. I can visualise the actually main theme, but that specific point I just mentioned is unclear.


i've got a briefcase full of futuresight
i swear i'm right, i've seen the truth.
Nice sharp internal rhyme.
the judge, massive and faceless
clutches his heart
the gavel falls, justice goes limp
I don't like the phrase "justice goes limp". It arouses the wrong sort expression suited here. It is also a little clichéd. Everything else was good reading.
shooting pains and court dismissed
a hang jury, hung up on being impartial
tip-toed out the backdoor- you can never be too careful.
Hemm. I kinda get the impression, once again, that you are talking about something you don't fully comprehend. I could well be wrong but it's how I feel concerning pieces such as this.

the pews are splattered with slander
"pews" is such a wonderfully enigmatic word, why ruin it with poetical poppy-cock?
massacre without intention (a crime unknown).
This is all too stop-starty. It reads like flashy news-bulletins from a clueless poet. No offence.
i blamed myself, i let her decide
the punishments as i fell.
I'm not entirely positive on how to think of these two lines.

finally i saw that sexless eyes
beneath a blindfold
stare apathetically grey
just, before the scales, tipped
and the sword of a woman scorned
made its final point.
I liked the ending, but without the last three lines. They reverted back to a metaphor I'm already quite tired of. It resolves something already resolved.


This had a few moments of confusion for me, and the repetition of a rather unorthodox and unwillingly humorous metaphor made this less than great.
But it's a nice read, nonetheless.

I missed reading you actually.
#15
hey angry goldfish! <3
ive missed your crits. and yeah, ive been quite busy. not much motivation to write.

a few things ive got questions on-
im not sure where the Joan of Arc comment comes from? i simply made the reference to illustrate the conflagration of a human being as a public spectacle

as for the comment a few lines down, i messed up. it should read
an audience of nonplussed stares
marked 'return to sender'
all enveloping

hope that clears that one up
I kinda get the impression, once again, that you are talking about something you don't fully comprehend. I could well be wrong but it's how I feel concerning pieces such as this.

how do you mean this? and what are 'pieces such as this'?

and lastly, whats this metaphor that youre tired of?

i mean none of these questions in an offensive way, im just not sure how you mean many of your criticisms, and if i can get a more accurate idea of the grievances, then i have a better idea of what to fix

cheers, and let me know if youve got anything youd like me to crit
~b
#16
As much as I thought the images and ideas in this were damn good, I found it very awkward to read. I can't really put my finger on why, I'll get back to you if I do.
#17
Quote by ChordMonger
hey angry goldfish! <3
ive missed your crits. and yeah, ive been quite busy. not much motivation to write.

a few things ive got questions on-
im not sure where the Joan of Arc comment comes from? i simply made the reference to illustrate the conflagration of a human being as a public spectacle
ah, didn't notice that. my fault.

how do you mean this? and what are 'pieces such as this'?
pieces with a strong theme threading throughout.

and lastly, whats this metaphor that youre tired of?
It reads to me like this court room, justice system your mostly talking about is a metaphor for your own desire to control and "understand" life more. To be able to bracket it into sections and be more routinely. I could well be way off with my judgement, though.

i mean none of these questions in an offensive way, im just not sure how you mean many of your criticisms, and if i can get a more accurate idea of the grievances, then i have a better idea of what to fix

cheers, and let me know if youve got anything youd like me to crit
~b
Oh, I know you're only trying to understand my crappy crit. I don't take anything like that personally. I appreciate someone standing up for their work.