#1
I guess to understand this piece I should tell you all that I am a combat medic in the U.S. Army, and have done a tour of duty in Iraq in an ER/Trauma Room. This is really the first I've written on the matter.


To see someone come apart,
the remnants gifts on your person,
Once warm now soaking to earth,
Once brother, now becoming earth...

How do you know you did right?
You're told so over and over,
you can never fully beleive them,
you can never fully forgive yourself...

It all happened in a flash, right?
Nothing but the blink of an eye,
but you take no solace in those excuses,
but you take refuge in regret...

It won't be as it was, no more,
no more nights without thoughts,
ignoring those forgettable friends,
ignoring that unforgettable heat...

I didn't even really know your name,
just memorized the letters on your tags,
A part of my history, you never were before,
A part of my history, you will forever be...

A flag-bearing casket, a name on CNN,
That's what your legacy becomes,
I can't help but wonder if I was there,
I can't help but wonder if I was there...

It won't be as it was, no more,
even now with life back on track,
I always meant to take my memories there,
but I never meant to bring so many back...
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by rooster456 at Jul 26, 2009,
#3
Thanks. Nothing negative about it? I'm trying to improve it.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
Quote by rooster456
I guess to understand this piece I should tell you all that I am a combat medic in the U.S. Army, and have done a tour of duty in Iraq in an ER/Trauma Room. This is really the first I've written on the matter.


To see someone come apart,
the remnants gifts on your person,
Once warm now soaking to earth,
Once brother, now becoming earth...

this is really good, maybe change the third line to once warm now soaking up the dust, I think that would be better than ending both lines with earth


How do you know you did right?
You're told so over and over,
you can never fully beleive them,
you can never fully forgive yourself...

this is a strong verse and I really like it

It all happened in a flash, right?
Nothing but the blink of an eye,
but you take no solace in those excuses,
but you take refuge in regret...

I liked this verse, especially the last two lines

It won't be as it was, no more,
no more nights without thoughts,
ignoring those forgettable friends,
ignoring that unforgettable heat...

I dont like the first line, maybe change it to anymore but besides that its a good verse

I didn't even really know your name,
just memorized the letters on your tags,
A part of my history, you never were before,
A part of my history, you will forever be...

this is a great

A flag-bearing casket, a name on CNN,
That's what your legacy becomes,
I can't help but wonder if I was there,
I can't help but wonder if I was there...

this is amazing

It won't be as it was, no more,
even now with life back on track,
I always meant to take my memories there,
but I never meant to bring so many back...

great way to wrap it up


overall this was amazing I had to nitpick to find any problems with it and the ones I found were very small I also wanna say thank you for serving and if you dont mind could you crit my newest piece liquid courage? the link is in my sig