#1
one.♥
her eyes flit to the steak
half eaten, each piece shaved off so
neatly.
the juices gathered below it so resemble
'...is that blood, darling?'
a slightly thoughtful silence
a barely disguised laugh on his part
all in good nature.
'of course, dear.'
her eyebrows raise delicately
she forcibly returns the spoon to her mouth
nourishing,
though unwillingly,
her lithe body
although she feels her skin should
almost cling desperately to her bones
this beauty dare not suffer.
'i see.'
'but you crave the blood of humans...'
he remarks questioningly, his hands gently stroking
her bare fingernails.
her head inclines.
'animal blood is nothing to us. it is carnivorous to savour it.'
he kisses her fingertips.
'but to indulge in the pleasures of human blood...
can that not be viewed as carnivorous? or worse, perhaps...'
he smiles lightly, wanting to tickle her pale ear
with his tongue.
'cannibalistic?'
she pauses and armourously
draws and flicks her tongue
over his fingertips.
she laughs softly and murmurs
'my...desire for the blood of humans
most encapsulates the apparent need of reason
in this matter.'

two.♥
nothing more
but to have
your virulent vertebrae
pressed against my frostbitten
cheek.

three.♥
everyone wants there,
those
black, black, black
black cat bombs.
'but only after you lose the windows'
explains the ten fold sun
i will burn
burn burn
your skin to your [y ell ow] teeth.
i'm too much talking
i'm too much on the line
dripping disporia[hhh]
like that mangled
plastic sun.
let's move,
like a bomb[ing]
i'm bombing your suburbia.

four.♥
though i long forget what
the R stands for
perhaps Reverend
to almost mock
the existence of a 'higher power'.

five.♥
i'm raging like a burner inside.
i still indulge
selfishly almost,
in carefree visions of
everyone dancing
seeking the warmth of
the early evening sun.
they appear to have no
boundaries
worries
or cares.
to carry such hope over into the real
world is
wishful thinking i'd rather abandon.

six.♥
we seek salvation from
above the ground
perhaps in colours
or soft breaths
we take.

seven.♥
why don't you let the
music ride
your child out
so you'll die.
take another breath
in the shape of skull balloons
to inhale plastic smoke.
i've got two rotting neon
rats, i'm eating away at your bones.
why don't you let the
music die
so we'll know what it's like to
be famished.
you remind me of my mutilated
dead
best friend.
those rats are fucking
picking their suggestive
teeth, with your
finger bones.
i hope your face still smiles giddily
at me,
even when i'm feeding you
decrepit decaying [liesveinsheartspieces]

eight.♥
i'm a shitty, worn out excuse
for
a lover, writer, friend, living.

[end.]


it's subpar but ohwell.
hope you all like
♥xx♥

#2
Well, I enjoyed it.
Very disjointed but I think that works in it's favour. I love reading almost rambling text as it can provide a better mindset then any well thought out script.
#3
This was a really interesting read. I really liked the way that you incorporated the bits of dialogue. It was very surreal, it gave me the sort of feeling I get from David Lynch movies. Good job.

Here's a link to one of mine if you would like to crit it, I haven't written anything in a long time and would appreciate your feedback on this. Thanks.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1170359
Last edited by wolfat the door at Jul 26, 2009,
#4
wut

That was difficult to read for me, as genuinely the lyrics I write go along the lines of YOU BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND OFTEN BUT SHE KEEPS ON CRAWLING BACK, YOU NEVER HAVE MONEY COS YOU SPENT IN ON SMACK so it's kind of hard for me to understand, but I understand it as a progression gradually from one state of mind to another. I like

I'll get you to crit the xNEGATRONx EP when I talk to you next.