#1
I'm sick of not writing anything.


Spool me into a silent film
where numbness and calm controls my heart.
there's nothing better than sitting in an empty cinema,

where the faces on the screen react
to a quietness I instil.
it gently beats your ear drums until dull,
like any friendly stranger would do.

in your company,
I feel my anger peeling away,
toughening skin as it goes.

and from all the moments of sadness
hooked like fish in a stricken sea,
there is nothing better than to have a handicap,
where the first moments of noise
become silent, and stay that way forever.

my catch is always good
when I stop my ears from
hearing the voice inside my head.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 27, 2009,
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I'm sick of not writing anything.


spool me into a silent film
where numbness and calm controls my heart
there's nothing better than sitting in an empty cinema

I believe that you had a very good idea here, but it wasn't developed enough here; it didn't strike me as much as it needed to. It was rather bland in some cases. I hated the phrase 'spool me', come on I'm sure you can come up with better. But then again, it does work, in terms of flow but I didn't really see it as something to start a piece with

where the faces on the screen react
to a quietness I instil
it gently beats your ear drums until dull
like any friendly stranger would do

The first two line were good, they are definitely the keepers here. But the final two lines were quite disjointed; the enjambment was awful. This was definitely a miss.

in your company,
I feel my anger peeling away
toughening skin as it goes

Again, this was another good idea but it felt short from its full potential. I think this needs to be tweeked.

and from all the moments of sadness
hooked like fish in a stricken sea
there is nothing better than to have a handicap
where the first moments of noise
become silent and stay that way forever

Now this was good, it felt focused; I believe that this is the kind of stanza that you have been hinting at previously in this piece, but you never quite got there.

my catch is always good
when I stop my ears from
hearing the voice inside my head.

Good, but this didn't feel like something that should close the poem. Again, you are at the right line, but still very undeveloped. This was by no means bad at all; I enjoyed this, but it was far from what I feel from reaching its full potential.


Digitally Clean


I think that you should probably puntuate this piece, this always improves a piece by quite a margin IMHO. This was by no means a bad piece, but it was quite sketchy in places that I mentioned.

Take care.