#1
Any comments would be appreciated. Crit 4 crit...

Joy rushes through my veins
Chemicals go to my brain
Now my happy hour can begin
Now I can start to go insane

Secretes out to my limbs
Down my legs right to my shins
From my feet it seeps into the earth
Attracts the bees but they don’t sting

Flowers grow from my hair
Spiral up into the air
Send their seeds to give birth to the world
I am part of the atmosphere

Circles form above my head
I feel as though I could be dead
Feel cold like I never felt before
Now I must wait until the spring
Last edited by wolfat the door at Jul 27, 2009,
#2
I enjoyed this. I actually interpreted this as an elaborate and poetic way of expressing the narrator getting drunk. First you have "chemicals" going to the brain and "joy" running through the blood during "a happy hour" (that was a pretty big hint). Then I actually interpreted the line "attracts the bees but they don't sting" as the numb feeling you get when you're drunk and you're not very sensitive to touch. Finally, the last stanza, I think, is depicting the narrator as passing/blacking out, which kind of simulates death.

Overall, I felt it was a fun piece from the way I interpreted it. Good job!
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Quote by wolfat the door
Any comments would be appreciated. Crit 4 crit...

Joy rushes through my veins
Chemicals go to my brain
Now my happy hour can begin
Now I can start to go insane
a bit obvious, but not a bad opening

Secretes out to my limbs
Down my legs right to my shins
feels forced
From my feet it seeps into the earth
Attracts the bees but they don’t sting
whats confusing is youre changing the rhyme scheme every stanza. first was AABA. this is DEBATABLY AABC. even limbs/shins is shaky

Flowers grow from my hair
Spiral up into the air
interesting image
Send their seeds to give birth to the world
this line hurts the flow. its just too damn long, but i like the idea in it
I am part of the atmosphere

Circles form above my head
I feel as though I could be dead
also feels forced
Feel cold like I never felt before
Now I must wait until the spring
again, the shaky rhyme scheme is confusing. if its intentional, then give it a little more emphasis. if youre pressed for words, edit this.



what im getting from this is-
stanza one: get trashed
stanza two: the new state of mind opens you up
stanza three: you withdraw/pass out/die
its a decent premise, but the lines that rhyme feel unnatural, and the ones that dont leave a gap. i'd like to see an edit of this soon though

c4c? my most recent is 'soapbox'. its in my sig
cheers
~b
#4
I like it alot.
I think it has some link to shrooms, or some kind of drug.

I think it needs a chorus. A distorted-type chorus. Like, a crazy one, like you ate a whole bunch of shrooms, then everyhing was all purple.
..I was watching my death.