#1
So I'm thinking of doing a series of five poems: one for each song on the Miles Davis album "Kind of Blue" where I write a poem that reflects what I feel when I listen to each song on the album. The first one is "So What"


with one masteful stroke,
the sky was painted black
and little flickers of light blinked beyond the clouds.
it must've been the fourth of july in heaven.

i was fishing down by Cobb's Creek when the rains came,
but i casted my line nonetheless.
across the way,
skeletons of trees danced to the brilliance
of the wind's a cappella performance
and my pole bobbed with the rhythm as well.
every note she held
felt like a submarine nibble.
the fish must've been laughing hard at my confusion.

it didn't take long before i was bathed in showers
and sheets of rain
were endlessly launched down from their colossal perch,
but i casted my line nonetheless.
i suppose a rainbow would've been nice
but every ka-splunk of my bobber
made a technicolor splash in the pools of my mind.
and i guess a sun could've been useful
but the anticipatory wrestling match
with an underwater foe
sent canoes of warmth down my bloodstream.
and maybe a cool breeze might've been
a proper substitute for these merciless gusts
but their concert wasn't quite over yet.

so on the bank of the creek,
i let nature take its ravaging course
and i thought i heard her ask,
in a voice ethereal and electric,
why i would await her to run me down
with a smile on my face.

and i could only reply,
"so what?"
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
Quote by SubwayToVenus
So I'm thinking of doing a series of five poems: one for each song on the Miles Davis album "Kind of Blue" where I write a poem that reflects what I feel when I listen to each song on the album. The first one is "So What"
first off, props just for diggin Miles on a forum thats all too obsessed with Avenged Sevenfold etc.


with one masteful stroke,
the sky was painted black
and little flickers of light blinked beyond the clouds.
it must've been the fourth of july in heaven.
engaging and human opening

i was fishing down by Cobb's Creek when the rains came,
i like the certain approachability that 'rains' gives
but i casted my line nonetheless.
across the way,
skeletons of trees danced to the brilliance
of the wind's a cappella performance
the rhyme here between performance and brilliance, intentional or not, really adds something nice
and my pole bobbed with the rhythm as well.
every note she held
same here. its a subtle rhyme, but it adds something lyrical to the piece
felt like a submarine nibble.
the fish must've been laughing hard at my confusion.
submarine nibble doesnt make much sense, but for it still works! plus the dual personification of a submarine nibbling, and fish laughing play off eachother

it didn't take long before i was bathed in showers
and sheets of rain
were endlessly launched down from their colossal perch,
but i casted my line nonetheless.
i suppose a rainbow would've been nice
but every ka-splunk of my bobber
made a technicolor splash in the pools of my mind.
this bit loses something and gains something. it shifts towards a more surreal, floyd-y thing, which itself sounds good, but i feel may not have the best home in the piece. however, i like the idea of 'i suppose a {blank} would be nice, but the way its expounded in some of them is wordier than the rest of the piece
and i guess a sun could've been useful
but the anticipatory wrestling match
with an underwater foe
sent canoes of warmth down my bloodstream.
again, some of the phrasing doesnt feel quite like the rest of the piece. if its supposed to be a contrast, i can dig. i really do like 'canoes of warmth' though. reinforces the fishing idea.
and maybe a cool breeze might've been
a proper substitute for these merciless gusts
but their concert wasn't quite over yet.
i like how 'concert' comes back, and brings things to focus again, but i almost feel like 3 of the 'a {blank} woula's is too many. to my ear it slows down the piece a little

so on the bank of the creek,
i let nature take its ravaging course
and i thought i heard her ask,
in a voice ethereal and electric,
why i would await her to run me down
with a smile on my face.

and i could only reply,
"so what?"
love love love the end here. not only does it bring the title in, but its such a go-with-the-flow, accepting sort of idea that you end on. it really is a perfect accompaniment to some jazz


first off, id like to thank you heartily for the crit, and for the explanation (because of this i listened to the song as i read it). This was enjoyable to read, and ended on a truly unique note. as well, the image of fishing in the rain was inspired, and almost absurdist. really, fine work. aside from the few minor comments i made in BOLD up top, this is class-A stuff

~b
Last edited by ChordMonger at Jul 27, 2009,
#3
to you, my friend, for this piece. I look forward to the rest of the series. It was a big risk, taking on Miles Davis, but you matched the beauty of that piece with this one. Bravo.
#4
thank you both very much for the compliments

@chordmonger: I agree with a lot of what you said including the wordiness of those lines. I'm looking into fixing that up. It does kinda seem like they don't really fit there. Thanks for crit.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
'So What' is a Pink song.
Gear:

Gibson 2005 Les Paul Standard
Fender Road Worn Strat w/ Noiseless pickups
Marshall JCM 2000 401C
Marshall Vintage Modern 2266
Marshall 1960A cab (Dave Hill from Slade's old cab)
Ibanez TS9DX
EHX Little Big Muff
Freshman Acoustic
#6
Quote by ProphetToJables
'So What' is a Pink song.


oh wow, no way! I didn't realize Pink was entitled to an abundantly common phrase!

on a side note, this was nice.
and the idea behind how you are doing the series of poems is very cool.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Jul 27, 2009,
#7
thank you for the compliment and for the response to the Pink comment. I didn't know what to say to that...
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
I don't know how much I can say that hasn't already been said but I applaud you for picking a masterpiece to work with! I'm going to crit in the same way as above:


with one masteful stroke,
the sky was painted black
and little flickers of light blinked beyond the clouds.
it must've been the fourth of july in heaven.

This imagery really embodies the mysterious introduction to the original recording off Kind of Blue. It's as if the impressionistic intro in the piece is one and the same with the painting imagery you have created.

i was fishing down by Cobb's Creek when the rains came,
but i casted my line nonetheless.
across the way,
skeletons of trees danced to the brilliance
of the wind's a cappella performance
and my pole bobbed with the rhythm as well.
every note she held
felt like a submarine nibble.
the fish must've been laughing hard at my confusion.

The musical imagery really fits in with the premise of this little poetic endeavor. The hypnotic rhythm of the piece could be the rhythm of the wind, and the fisherman (and his pole) are giving into the force of the beat.

it didn't take long before i was bathed in showers
and sheets of rain
were endlessly launched down from their colossal perch,
but i casted my line nonetheless.
i suppose a rainbow would've been nice
but every ka-splunk of my bobber
made a technicolor splash in the pools of my mind.
and i guess a sun could've been useful
but the anticipatory wrestling match
with an underwater foe
sent canoes of warmth down my bloodstream.
and maybe a cool breeze might've been
a proper substitute for these merciless gusts
but their concert wasn't quite over yet.

I feel like the fisherman is adapting himself to the environment he is in, but not fighting it. The rhythm of the music captures you. It is a constant struggle to understand it, yet it does not wait for you to catch up. You have to adapt to it.

so on the bank of the creek,
i let nature take its ravaging course
and i thought i heard her ask,
in a voice ethereal and electric,
why i would await her to run me down
with a smile on my face.

and i could only reply,
"so what?"
Perfect ending. I smiled when I saw that. Not only does it fit in with the whole "cool" feeling of the piece, but it ties in your overall message and the title of the song\poem. Great job!


I focused mostly on the texture and atmosphere created by the poetry, and less on the flow of the words. I think you did a great job with both, though some parts here and there you may want to revise slightly. I think this is amazing though, great idea!
#9
The plethora of senses you delved into on this was really fitting for a Miles Davis piece. There was sight in "technicolour splash", touch in the hot and cold of the rain and the warm canoes, sound in the Ka-splunk of the bobber, and it goes on.. A real total sensory experience with a background texture of nonchalance thrown in, which keeps with Davis' personality and music well. I didn't really like the ending so much, as I don't think the response 'so what' really pertained well to what nature was asking. Maybe you could consider changing the question so it makes more sense?
On a sarcastic note, if this is based on So What it should be about 6 times longer
#10
haha, suprisingly enough, i decided to go against writing a 9 minute long poem. but yeah, one of my concerns with this poem while writing it was if the ending would be effective. Pretty much what I wanted nature to ask was, "Why are you enjoying staying out in this storm?" and then the narrator responding with "So what?" I actually rewrote it like 10 times and I came up with this but I'll definitely try and make it more effective.
here, My Dear, here it is
#11
this was an amazing read, I really enjoyed it, you have great imagry...that may not be spelled right anyway back to the piece...I didnt see any problems with it and I can't wait to read the rest of your series, and if you dont mind criting one of the pieces in my sig I would appericate it
#12
I don't know Miles Davis, so all this will just be going on the strength of this one piece.

First off, I wanna say; writing a poem about another poem/song/whatever you wanna call it; cool idea.

Second, you should know there's a pretty good chance all of this went over my head.

It's pretty, for sure. Beautiful imagery and flow, wonderful word choice (I found myself reaching for a dictionary on a couple words.)

This is a really good piece. And if you can find the right people, who can appreciate it for all it is, I'd bet you could go places.

Ah, forgot to mention how much I love the ending. Quick, blunt, and to the point. Just fantastic.
Last edited by Matt Doreen at Aug 1, 2009,
#13
thank you both for the kind words.

@therealtater: I'll be getting to one of yours very soon.
here, My Dear, here it is