#1
genre: sandalxcore. c4c. ots. etc.

edenloff park is built of oak and despair
when we walk in the park,
the grass folds to your feet,
and i trail in your wake,
grasping for your hand.
and when we rest in the dark,
you lie on the bench,
and i lay next to you
in the creases of the soil,
and say 'i love you too.'
we cherish our misgivings,
blushing as they bloom into
perfect little saplings.

and when i try to go home,
i can't seem to find it anymore.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jul 27, 2009,
#2
There's something poignant and hopeful about this piece. I know the feeling of "there is no home outside your arms", and to me, this piece encapsulated that perfectly. It's nice to read somethng with a bit more joy in it from you.
#3
Quote by kdownes
It's nice to read somethng with a bit more joy in it from you.


the difference between the joy and melancholy of this piece weighs firmly on how you choose to define 'lie'.
#4
This was a bit too descriptive, poetic, and even a bit sappy to me, particularly the first couple of lines. The last two lines kicked that feeling out, but it feels like too little too late to me.
#5
Quote by greyeyedfire
This was a bit too descriptive, poetic, and even a bit sappy to me, particularly the first couple of lines. The last two lines kicked that feeling out, but it feels like too little too late to me.


if you'll excuse me for being the dick who challenges a perfectly good crit, how can a poem be too poetic?
#6
I thought that what made this poem great was it's succint-ness and, like you said, your play on the word "lie". I personally felt more on the somber side when reading this. The narrator seems to be following his partner's lead in their relationship, he is "[trailing] in [her] wake" and she is leading him down a path he doesn't want to go. He wants love but she doesn't seem to feel the same way, exemplified by his "grasping for [her] hand" and her lie when she tells him she loves him. But this play-on-words was masterfully done.

My new goal as a writer is to be economical with my writing and you are obviously very good at that. This was very, very, very well-written.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
"poetic" was probably a bad word choice there,
maybe "pretty" or something along those lines would make more sense
#8
I like the imagery, and the sentiments are sweet... I'm just not getting a grasp on the relationship
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I thought that what made this poem great was it's succint-ness and, like you said, your play on the word "lie". I personally felt more on the somber side when reading this. The narrator seems to be following his partner's lead in their relationship, he is "[trailing] in [her] wake" and she is leading him down a path he doesn't want to go. He wants love but she doesn't seem to feel the same way, exemplified by his "grasping for [her] hand" and her lie when she tells him she loves him. But this play-on-words was masterfully done.

My new goal as a writer is to be economical with my writing and you are obviously very good at that. This was very, very, very well-written.


this is the metaphorical and melancholy half of the interpretation, which you pretty much nailed. if taken at face value, it's pretty joyous, looked at another way, it's ringing with defeat. which was my plan. glad both sides were noticed. also, just as a sidebar, i've seen your writing, and you're pretty new, and pretty talented, but i'd recommend not paring down your work, i always feel like my shorter pieces are lacking something when i look back on them. it's always like something is missing. just my experience though, if you can cut down and make it feel perfect, then by all means go for it.
#10
i think you were pretty tactful with this. the "lie" followed by I love you too showing what she lied about etc.

you know that.
this was pretty
nice.
i'm pullin for you
hang in there bud
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me