#1

I’ve developed an allergy
to misunderstandings.
I could tell, as I’ve been sneezing
every time that foreign guy,
sitting in the corner,
was smiling at me.
When I approached,
his lips mouthed words
in a rash accent, quickly mirrored
by my blushing skin.
I served him coffee, extra sugar –
but he didn’t seem to notice any
special treatment. Maybe
he was used to it, or maybe
he asked for tea.
I need some antihistamines.



This is not a pipe
#2
I think this is the first of yours in a long while I haven't really felt connected to.

I can try to detail it to you miss, if you'd like.

(Sorry I haven't been on much, busy. -.-)
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
It was a tidy expose of those moments in lie you so described.

Although one reading, when bringing in the fact that English is not your mother tongue, made me over-complicate the misunderstanding involved, probably. Still, it was an interesting deconstruction.

Wasn't quite the succint and sly sonics in here as your many other recent pieces, but the delivery was by no means worse off.

A nice little piece, if not piercingly emotive.

Carmel.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 29, 2009,
#4
This is ****ing brilliant. The structure plucks notes out of the air brilliantly. This is really, really good.
#5
Although some aspects of poetry should be left concised, I believe that you could have elaborated more in quite a few areas here. In many cases you were telling me, instead of showing me; by elaborating, your context would have had more space and more momentum could have been created to set up for the ending.

Quote by Carmel
every time that foreign guy,
sitting in the corner,
was smiling at me.


Like here, could have turned into a brief dialogue between the narrator and the 'foreign guy' two just widen the context of the story. This piece felt too dense, in its own right, I see this as something that could have been bigger. Your technical execution was spot on, I really do not have any complaints.

This was a nice piece, which I did enjoy.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 31, 2009,
#6
Like here, could have turned into a brief dialogue between the narrator and the 'foreign guy' two just widen the context of the story.


that's a real **** suggestion if you ask me, it would ruin the experience of this poem. it's sparse and just right. i feel every moment and word of this poem except the whole allergy/antihistamines thing. sorry carmel, it kind of ruined it for me in a way.

last suggestion: "didn't seem to notice any special treatment" would be so much better as "didn't notice any special treatment". why deliver it weakly when you can be more direct?

beautifully done carmel, i really enjoyed it.