#1
well theres just no pleasing you
ive tried n tried but i dunna what to do
maybe he has got a car
but ive gotta heart that goes just as far

yeah he wears all this flashy gear
dont he look stupid with that gold ring in his ear
his dad owns 3 restaurants
the lucky tart gets everything he wants

nothing false nothin fake bout me
ill do what i want and see what i want to see
dont need flashy clothes a car or cash
ive got my mates and we have a laugh

well i dont want you anymore
youve changed youve alterd youve become a bore
am the one who will have the fun
youve lost my firend i have won

you, you make me sick
your a fool for fallin for that prick
never want to see you again
you mean nothin this is the end

nothin false nothin fake bout me
il doo what i want and see what i wanna see
dont need no flashy clothes a car or cash
coz ive got my mates and we have a laugh


C4C please
thanks
#2
First off, I'll let you know that I am a bit biased because I absolutely hate people with horrible grammar, which this piece is riddled with.

The rhymes were painfully forced. I'm not a big fan of rhyming in general, but forced rhyming can ruin a piece. You also leave nothing to the imagination. The song meaning is there, in the open, in all of it's ill-written glory. It was very angsty, whiny, and overall just a boring piece.

I encourage you to continue writing, but not this type of thing.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#3
maybe he has got a car
but ive gotta heart that goes just as far


I REALLY liked this line, just struck a big chord with me

dont need flashy clothes a car or cash
ive got my mates and we have a laugh


Eh, I didn't like this rhyme so much, seemed a little forced, just didn't sit too well with me

The

A
A
B
B

Rhyme scheme was really basic, but it was an otherwise nice song

woops lol I wrote the rhyme scheme wrong before my edit lol ><
No one throws away porn, their like heirlooms, pass them down your family tree!
Last edited by Kn1fer at Jul 27, 2009,
#4
you, you make me sick
your a fool for fallin for that prick
never want to see you again
------------------------------> last line needed to rhyme with prick IMO

You built up this part then end it with nothing.
I prefer your other piece to be honest though
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