#1
This is a very slow-style song, but not soft in the slightest. Very emotional; Very personal. I would have written a bit more...but Cops came on and I became heavily distracted. Well, enjoy what you can out of this.....



Relatively Distant

She weaves her way into and out of my heart.
She doesn't mend the seams, but makes them look better.
I could already see where this is going tonight....

You can vogue in front of the mirror,
but it still won't get you nearer
to a guy like me...


She plays along with my doll-shaped heart
as if she knows what's best...
She can dress me up nice, and put me on display
but the only thing she displays, is her distance from me

You can f*** it once
You can f*** it twice
But it won't be me unless,
This old heart gives in

You can take me away
to a better place
But I remain the same:
A slave to myself...
#2
I really love this piece. Almost everything flowed well, and made a very powerful, emotional, and sad statement. However, the lines:

"She doesn't mend the seams, but makes them look better.
I could already see where this is going tonight...."

I think you could use a stronger word than better, a synonym maybe? And the second line, I think you might want to elaborate on what is going to happen, like doing a little bit of foreshadowing. UNLESS, you're trying to say "you've become so routine to me, that I already know you'll do the next loveless thing tomorrow"

If you're going for that angle, that makes it a really awesome line, because it shows the narrator (you) being tired of the relationship/treatment the narrator is getting. Very good work!

C4C?

INTOLERANCE IS IGNORANCE


Quote by kosmic
Holy Moses.
haha
#3
I liked this but the mirror/nearer rhyme bothers me for some reason, but I really like the third verse its a good analogy and I dont think Ive heard it put that way before if you dont mind criting my newest piece liquid courage there is a link in my sig
#4
Yeah, I didn't like the "seams-better" line either.
I thought of cleaner, but didn't like that either. But it does sound better than "better"
lol