#1
This is a song I wrote in about ten minutes so suggestions or comments would be much appreciated. I was thinking maybe an actual chorus but it might be cool not to have a longer one. To me it sounds kind of like a song that Nirvana would write. Of course C4C, just let me know.

Eat what the media gives you,
it'll build strong bones.
Don't forget to lick your plate clean.

They say "forgive and forget".

The screen is littered with overkill,
the paper soaked in blood.
It's always the same old story.

You can never forgive and forget

The wining hand consists of the race card.
But only if you use it well.
Public sympathy and words of praise.

Why don't they just forgive and forget?

In a time when opinions are fact,
you have to decide for yourself.
Isn't it hard to enjoy gossip

Just forgive and forget................
Last edited by muel333 at Jul 28, 2009,
#2
Eat what the media gives you,
it'll build strong bones.
Yesterdays gone so why remember?
The last line seems a little disjointed from the previous two. You had set up an interesting metaphor here, but the third line doesn't really relate to what you were talking about it the first two. At least, I'm not able to make the connection. I think the last line should mention something about the influence of the media.

She says "forgive and forget".
Who is she? The media?

The screen is littered with overkill,
the paper soaked in blood.
Back home where your always welcome.
Great imagery in the first two lines but, again, I feel like the third line let me down again. I can see how the first two connect to the power of the media (with 'the screen' being either a movie or TV screen and then 'the paper' I interpreted as a magazine. However, the third line just seems out-of-place

You can never forgive and forget.

In a time when opinions are fact,
you have to decide for yourself.
Isn't it hard to enjoy gossip
Solid verse. This clearly depicts an idea and is consistently developed throughout the three lines. I liked the connection of 'gossip' and 'opinions are fact'. This also plays into your 'the negative influence of the media' theme

My question is why try to?
(pause and then yelled) Forgive and forget!

The wining hand consists of the race card.
But only if you use it well.
Public sympathy and words of praise.
I'm not sure if it was in your favor to bring in the 'race card' reference. While I thought the metaphor was great, it seems like too big of an idea and topic just to throw in there. I would take this verse and form another song around it because this is a topic big enough for it's own song and not just a verse. Hope that made some sense

Just forgive and forget................
Lastly, I think the whole 'forgive and forget' idea should be developed a little bit more. I'm always a fan of vague lyrics but I do like it when I'm thrown a bone, albeit a little one. Just maybe a one more hint as to what you mean by this


Overall, I thought this was good, especially for an O.T.S. I figured I'd crit it lilke any other song. But just know, that I'm aware this was on-the-spot. Anyway, just some little revisions here and there and you should be good to go.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Thanks. I realize how some lines don't really work well and i'm working on it. Some parts definately need to be revised. I'll be sure to take your advice. I'll critique your new piece too, I haven't had time yet. Thanks