#1
Today he let out a cosmic roar -
the deafening bass tones of blacks and browns
and wisps of ugly ugly
i cant hear you
i dont want to hear you
like smoke clouds from a bubbling swamp.

I curled into a ball on the floor
toes clutching the hem of my pajamas
arms around my knees
head up, eyes open

It's okay
It will always be okay
Some people cannot change

That night I shed myself of the pajamas
walked into the dark air and took a breath of mist -
the clouds were puffing away
and in the brown and black abyss
I found purple, blue,
stars, gods,
a beautiful world with beautiful people
and every reason to be happy
when living with
the big, bad wolf.


sorry for not returning earlier crits; i promise i will get back to everyone in the pile =]
Quote by Arthur Curry
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minterman22
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& alaskan_ninja

#2
This reminded me of a wonderful play called Wolf Lullaby about a little girl who has an imaginary friend called The Wolf that makes her do bad things and eventually makes her kill someone. There was a very vunerable tone to this, which created an instant sympathy towards the narrator. I'm still slightly confused as to what the wolf actually is. Also, in the last stanza, there were a few lines that faltered, and i just felt the last few lines didn't quite have enough impact, it just sort of....trailed off.
#4
I think it's quite cute-sy in a way. I feel like it's a very ugly ugly emotion that is blunted and made accessible through it happening from the eyes of a little kid, in a good way.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
hey i just woke up and wasn't sure if i'd crit this or not as I feel fuzzy, but i'll make a few comments. The title's ok, and i see the point, though i'm not a huge fan. Haha, sorry that's not helpful

Today he let out a cosmic roar – as people suggested, this does come across from a child-like perspective, so sometimes the diction seems off, ie 'cosmic'
the deafening bass tones of blacks and browns gross imagery lol
and wisps of ugly ugly the repetition here contributes to the child's perspective, and I don't think i would use it, or maybe with the second one a proper noun? Because you're either semi-personifiying 'Ugly' or it's just a scared child that says it twice for reasons i won't speculate
i cant hear you capitals and apostrophes wouldn't be entirely amiss here?
i dont want to hear you
like smoke clouds from a bubbling swamp. 'smoke clouds' seems a bit lame. I know it's sort of parallel to 'bubbling swamp' and reads rather pleasantly, but I don't like it that much

I curled into a ball on the floor
toes clutching the hem of my pajamas the word 'hem' seems glaringly out of place to me
arms around my knees
head up, eyes open

It's okay
It will always be okay
Some people cannot change

That night I shed myself of the pajamas
walked into the dark air and took a breath of mist -
the clouds were puffing away
and in the brown and black abyss
I found purple, blue, i really like this bit
stars, gods, not this as much, but it's alright
a beautiful world with beautiful people
and every reason to be happy
when living with
the big, bad wolf.

I wish i had more insightful things to say about it, but i don't right now haha. Hopefully some of these more technical points can help you out? neat piece, thanks.

Iain
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour