#1
While going through my old Hotmail drafts, I found an old script I'd been working on and I want to know if it's worth finishing. Does anyone feel like reading it and giving their opinion of it? It isn't very long at all, it's just the first couple scenes. If anyone cares enough, let me know and I'll post it. Otherwise, I'll save you all the trouble of typing "tl;dr"

Well...?
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#2
I wanna read it.


I've got time to lose.
funkyducky


Icing happen when de puck come down, BANG, you know,
before de oder guys, nobody dere, you know.
My arm go comme ça, den de game stop den start up.

Quote by daytripper75
Get To Da Choppa!
#5
I'll read it.

But if it turns out to be a waste of my time, then I promise I'll make your life a misery.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#6
Quote by rabidguitarist
I'll read it.

But if it turns out to be a waste of my time, then I promise I'll make your life a misery.


Since you're here, are you gonna help for the Mr. Roboto cover with me and XavierGray?

Nevermind.
funkyducky


Icing happen when de puck come down, BANG, you know,
before de oder guys, nobody dere, you know.
My arm go comme ça, den de game stop den start up.

Quote by daytripper75
Get To Da Choppa!
Last edited by DirtyMakik at Jul 28, 2009,
#8
(It isn't formatted as well as it should be, but like I said, this was just an idea I had and so I started writing. It's inspired by my favorite time of movie--the 90's action film)


Skeet Balls is standing at the door of some house. There is a man inside talking to him. His name will be DAVE.

DAVE: Hey, man. I'm sorry I can't help you, but if you--

SKEET: Where is she?

DAVE: What?

SKEET: Cindy Callahan. Where is she?

DAVE: Bro, I already told you like five times. I don't know where she is.

There is a brief pause. Skeet Balls punches Dave in the face. He falls down.

SKEET: Wrong answer.

Skeet drags him into the other room and shuts the door behind himself.

DAVE: Ow! You broke my nose! You broke my ****ING nose!

SKEET: Yeah?

He punches him in the eye.

SKEET: Well now I broke your eye ball.

DAVE: Gaaah, what the **** is wrong with you?

SKEET: WHERE... IS... CINDY... CALLAHAN?!

DAVE: I DON'T... KNOW!

Skeet punches him again.

SKEET: There goes your other eye, Dave! Now I'm running out of things to break, so I suggest you start figuring out where she went because pretty soon I'm going to have to kill you. So I'm going to ask you again, where is--

DAVE: I...

Skeet pulls out a gun and puts it next to Dave's head.

SKEET: Say "I don't know" one more time and it'll be the last "I don't know" you ever say.

DAVE: Aaaaah! Uh... she, she left the house when I was s-still asleep, and and, she, um...

SKEET: And she what, Dave?

DAVE: She didn't tell me where she was going, but... but, uh, y-yesterday... yesterday she said we were running pretty low on milk and that she really wanted a bowl of frosted flakes, so if I had to guess, I'd say she's probably out getting milk. She's getting milk, ok! Milk! Just let me go, she's out getting milk.

SKEET: Where?

DAVE: I don't know...

Skeet blows his brains out.

THE NEXT SCENE TAKES PLACE IN AN OFFICE. Skeet is talking to his boss, Mr. Sir. Sir has a pile of papers on his desk.

MR. SIR: What the hell is this, Skeet? Huh?

SKEET: It looks like a stack of papers.

MR. SIR: Oh. Always the wise-ass, eh? Well yes, it's a stack of papers. It's also your personal file. Every time you go against department policy, you get written up, and that piece of paper gets placed into a folder. THIS is your folder. There are 789 sheets of paper in this folder.

SKEET: Maybe it's time to revise the department's policies and procedures...

MR. SIR: You shot a man today. You shot him in his head and you killed him. He is dead, now.

SKEET: Yeah, well he was bull****ting me. And there are a lot of things in this world that I like... but bull**** is not one of em.

MR. SIR: Christ sake, Skeet, you're a UPS delivery man! Why do you have to make this job so much harder than it has to be?

SKEET: When I deliver a package to a person, that person has to sign for it. That package was for Cindy Callahan. I needed to know where she was, and he wouldn't tell me. He had to die.

MR. SIR: Oh don't shoot your load at me. You're a loose cannon, skeet. And I'm tired of bailing you out of prison every time you pull one of these stunts. You're costing us a fortune. Give me your clipboard. You're fired.

SKEET: What?! Fired?! That's bull****! You can't fire me!

MR. SIR: I just did! Now get off my property! And don't come back or I'll have you arrested for trespassing! Security!

Security grabs Skeet.

MR. SIR: Would you please guide Mr. Balls to the back door?

SECURITY OFFICER: With pleasure!

They escort him outside. The guards walk back into Sir's office.

SECURITY OFFICER: All taken care of, sir.

MR. SIR: Good job, gentlemen. I don't think we'll be--****. Did either of you remember to get the keys from him?

SECURITY OFFICER: Keys?.... ... Ah, goddamnit.

Cut to a shot showing the Security officers and Mr. Sir running out the back door just in time to see Skeet speeding away in a UPS truck.

MR. SIR: Oh goddamnit! That was my favorite truck!


Cut to: Montage of Skeet driving the truck around during the opening credits. Then,


Inside an office, a professional looking business man is sitting behind a desk. That man is MR. STOJNIC

MR. STOJNIC: (looking down at some papers) I have to say, looking at your application, here... (he looks up) I'm going to have to be honest, you aren't exactly the ideal candidate for the position.

Cut to a shot showing Skeet Balls, still in his UPS delivery man outfit. Short shorts, short sleeve shirt, muscles bulging out of everything. Mean scowl.

MR. STOJNIC: Mr. Balls. (beat) We do a lot of business here... however, the majority of your time will be spent sitting behind a desk, answering calls, checking people in, and assisting clients by answering a litany of asinine questions. What I'm getting at is, this position is not very--physically demanding. I'm not sure if sitting in one place all day would be enjoyable for a man as fit and active as yourself.

SKEET: (confused) Are you hitting on me?

MR. STOJNIC: What? No.

SKEET: (getting angry) Are you gay or something?

MR. STOJNIC: Balls, no. But that brings me to my other point. You're going to be working in a very very high stress environment. It's going to be frustrating and (glancing down at application) quite frankly, I don't think you'd be able to handle it.

SKEET: A couple minutes ago, when you told me I wasn't an ideal candidate, I wanted to reach across the desk and punch your head through that window over there. But I didn't. Because I have self control. I don't know what would make you think otherwise.

MR. STOJNIC: (sighs) Ok. One of the questions on the application: In a brief paragraph on the following lines, describe why you think we should hire you. And you said--these are your own words I'm reading, here--you said, quote, "You should hire me because it would be in everyone's best interest. I would make you people a lot of money by not taking no... bull... **** from no one. Especially you guys. There are a lot of things in this world that I like, but bull**** is not one of them. So hire me or suffer the consequences, including but not limited to loss of sales, and/or serious bodily harm.

There is a long silence. Stojnic expects some sort of reply from Skeet, but he gets nothing.

MR. STOJNIC: You honestly don't see anything wrong with this?

SKEET: Well, I mean. Do YOU like bull****?

MR. STOJNIC: Alright, you know what? Enough. Look, you're not going to be working here, ok? To be completely honest, I don't see how you could even get a job that has you doing anything but standing on the front lines in some war torn middle eastern country or something. You're crazy. And I tell you this not as a business owner, I tell you this a human being who has to live in the same... world as people like you. You need help. Go talk to a psychiatrist. Thank you and goodbye.

(Beat.)

SKEET: No no, thank you. Sir.

Skeet stands up. So does Stojnic. Skeet turns to leave, but then turns back to the man who just denied him a job and insulted his mental health.

SKEET: But can I ask you just one question?

MR. STOJNIC: Yes, what is it?

SKEET: Your father. Is he a glass-maker?

MR. STOJNIC: (confused) No, why?

Skeet reaches across the desk, grabs Stojnic by his shirt, and pulls him in close.

SKEET: ...Cause this is going to be a pane.

After that glorious play on words, Skeet cocks his fist back to punch him in his face. A view from outside the building shows Stojnic's severed head flying out a window
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#10
Haha i quite like it.
Gear!
Jackson RR3 with EMGs!
B.C. Rich KKV
Yamaha F-310 Acoustic

Digitech Bad Monkey.

Peavey Valveking 112
#12
Is it supposed to induce lulz?
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
#15
Quote by BigFatSandwich

SKEET: Well now I broke your eye ball.


Quote by BigFatSandwich

MR. SIR: You shot a man today. You shot him in his head and you killed him. He is dead, now.


Quote by BigFatSandwich

MR. SIR: Would you please guide Mr. Balls to the back door?

SECURITY OFFICER: With pleasure!


Quote by BigFatSandwich

SKEET: ...Cause this is going to be a pane.


Dialogue fucking king.
#16
Heh, thanks guys! It's been settled... I shall continue working on it!
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#17
hahaha, I love how you mixed violence and humour together, and this Balls guy is quite likeable..for some reason.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#18
Quote by Laces Out Danny
hahaha, I love how you mixed violence and humour together, and this Balls guy is quite likeable..for some reason.



You like Balls?
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
#19
Quote by BigFatSandwich
Heh, thanks guys! It's been settled... I shall continue working on it!

If you don't work on this, I might have to have you killed. This is beautiful.
Quote by BigFatSandwich
MR. SIR: Would you please guide Mr. Balls to the back door?

SECURITY OFFICER: With pleasure!

Last edited by Flying Couch at Jul 28, 2009,
#21
Quote by King Twili
You like Balls?


idk, I think that the fact that he keeps on winning, makes me scared to be anyone other than him. To side with him, just to stay on his good side. And it's quite evident from the humourous tone and slight absurdity of the story (who gets away with murder with UPS backing them up?) makes me want to side on him, to BE him, just to keep from being on the losing side.

Why do people like Fight Club without being horrified at the sociopathic nature of the protagonist? because it's a fun novel, and people will always want to side on the winning team
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#23
Quote by soulflyV
Is the 'I Don't Know' part an homage to Pulp Fiction?

I actually don't remember if I intended to pay homage to that or if I accidentally ripped them off.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light