#1
i hope you don't know this feeling. i know I owe a fair amount of you. will get there today.



infidelity.

they sink deeper into their sockets
than I have ever felt them go.
they already know.

hot sheets from our queen bed
stick to my back and
twist my arms against my stomach.

pile of bones and sore muscle
incarcerated,
ears drowned with blood, straining.
listening.

waiting for the harsh click of the air conditioner
to whirr the room back to breathing,
and let me know that it is okay for me too, to breathe
normally again.

but the click does not come.
and even when a thin line of light begins to creep,
slowly,
over the edges of the window,
the click does not come.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 28, 2009,
#2
You gave the... pain, I'll call it... a lot of depth and character. You managed to portray a very particular feeling, and well at that. Imagery was spot on.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
and let me know that it is okay for me too, to breathe
normally again.


that was clumsy as all hell. It really ruined what you had going. The rest was emotionally and tastefully done; but I can't say that this struck me much. It solicited a heartfelt "i'm sorry for you and her" feeling which is a plus... but in the end, I won't remember this tomorrow. Maybe because I've never been in those bedsheets... and its just not for me... but I didn't think it struck hard.
#5
I sent you a PM about this piece over forum PMs (not profiles). Feel free to read it.
This is not a pipe
#8
I liked the tension/anticipation you created in the moments waiting for the AC to come to life.. then when it doesn't end up working anymore a good metaphor is made for the relationship spoiled. The twisted and tortured imagery was also good take on the situation, although it doesn't seem like a fresh take on cheating - it's no less than I'd expect an adulterous person to feel. Works alright in the piece though.
#9
The tension built up was wonderfully released with the use of the onomatopoeia "whirr".

It then could have gone two ways; use the "harsh click" to send the piece into a different voice and give us a different resolotuion; or, as I felt you did hear, leave a rather great little section lumbering back to where it began, eventually having let us find out nothing apart from you may be a little impatient for the air conditioning to turn on.

Felt it wasa neat idea. Felt it could have been bigger.