#1
Hey there, this is a bit odd lyrics I made up to a very odd idea for my band, combining elements of death metal, classic rock, and psychedelic rock music. We have three singers so it's possible
Kind of a just for fun thing
It needs a bit of filling out, but I wrote it today in class and am curious if it should be continued any more.


Stuff in * *'s is meant to be growled, but understandable.
Stuff in ( )'s is meant to be sung by our girl singer.
Stuff in ^ ^'s is guy and girl singing.
Stuff in #'s is growled, and sung by both

*Running through infinity*
(Crashing the way right through time)
*Sprinting to serenity*
(Force fed to our collective mind)

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
^Give me forever^]

*Sands slipping down the remedy
(Closing sounds on all our minds)
*Grains twistin away the life of me*
*(Glass caskets rippin away our identities)*

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
^Give me forever^]

# I need someone to stop the countdown
Before the sands all slip - away!
I need you all to start the meltdown
So I can believe in our breaking down DNA
The disarray of everyday cutting up our decent ways#

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
]x3


Any comments are appreciated!
Drink the sauce. Go on, it's okay. Just remember, I am the quest.

Quote by illuminatiano
YOU ARE A NO GOOD LAZY FORGETFUL STONER WITH NO FUTURE YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO SOCIETY
Last edited by Bubbles203 at Jul 29, 2009,
#2
Quote by Bubbles203
Hey there, this is a bit odd lyrics I made up to a very odd idea for my band, combining elements of death metal, classic rock, and psychedelic rock music. We have three singers so it's possible
Kind of a just for fun thing
It needs a bit of filling out, but I wrote it today in class and am curious if it should be continued any more.


Stuff in * *'s is meant to be growled, but understandable.
Stuff in ( )'s is meant to be sung by our girl singer.
Stuff in ^ ^'s is guy and girl singing.
Stuff in #'s is growled, and sung by both

*Running through infinity*
(Crashing the way right through time)
*Sprinting to serenity*
(Force fed to our collective mind)

A stanza that didn't stand out, but is definitely acceptable.

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
^Give me forever^]

Instead of 'begin the mend', try begin to mend? Just my opinion

*Sands slipping down the remedy
(Closing sounds on all our minds)
*Grains twistin away the life of me*
*(Glass caskets rippin away our identities)*

Instead of 'of me', how about 'from me'. I think it makes more sense.

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
^Give me forever^]


Instead of 'begin the mend', try begin to mend? Just my opinion

# I need someone to stop the countdown
Before the sands all slip - away!
I need you all to start the meltdown
So I can believe in our breaking down DNA
The disarray of everyday cutting up our decent ways#

5 line stanza? Really kinda throws me off in rhythm and flow, try adding another line?

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
]x3


Instead of 'begin the mend', try begin to mend? Just my opinion

Any comments are appreciated!



I know I said the same things for the chorus, cant be asked to say something different for the same things.


Good job though dude.


C4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1172468
Yeah.
#3
Quote by Boats99
I know I said the same things for the chorus, cant be asked to say something different for the same things.


Good job though dude.


C4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1172468


Thanks very much!

Mind if I crit yours tomorrow?
Mad headache right now and I'll probably do an even ****tier job than usual
Drink the sauce. Go on, it's okay. Just remember, I am the quest.

Quote by illuminatiano
YOU ARE A NO GOOD LAZY FORGETFUL STONER WITH NO FUTURE YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO SOCIETY
#4
Quote by Bubbles203
Thanks very much!

Mind if I crit yours tomorrow?
Mad headache right now and I'll probably do an even ****tier job than usual



Yeah its cool bro.

Real unique band too you have, three singers.

We have one singer, whos jewish though, so technically, we have no singer.
Yeah.
#5

Yea, girls our primary, but I wanted a song that would show off everyones skill
Drink the sauce. Go on, it's okay. Just remember, I am the quest.

Quote by illuminatiano
YOU ARE A NO GOOD LAZY FORGETFUL STONER WITH NO FUTURE YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO SOCIETY
#6
sup

Quote by Bubbles203


Hey thanks for the critisicm on Deceit of the Named. Just here to have a look at yours (btw I like how you showed which should be growled, sung,etc. Very helpful)

*Running through infinity*
(Crashing the way right through time)
*Sprinting to serenity*
(Force fed to our collective mind)

Good stanza, yet felt like it should be one of those that could be in the middle of the song. Liked the third line though.

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
^Give me forever^]

This chorus is interesting. When I imagine the words being rushed into a musical sense, I think they would be a little too packed. I would recommend maybe compressing it a bit, but I like the words a lot (especially the last line)

*Sands slipping down the remedy
(Closing sounds on all our minds)
*Grains twistin away the life of me*
*(Glass caskets rippin away our identities)*

Really like this stanza, love the reference and imagery of a sandglass you wrote. Good stuff

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
^Give me forever^]

# I need someone to stop the countdown
Before the sands all slip - away!
I need you all to start the meltdown
So I can believe in our breaking down DNA
The disarray of everyday cutting up our decent ways#

This stanza sounds very very punky. When I read this I feel like you've stopped singing and just started rapping. I don't know what you're trying to get at, but I dislike the use of pronouns here.

[*Past time just around the bend*
(Through the nether, give me forever)
*As scarred souls begin the mend*
(Weak as a feather in the turbulent weather)
]x3


Good stuff, overall I really enjoyed it and could hear it in my mind (thanks to your annotes). Get some nice melodic metalcore riffs into here and a catchy chorus melody and you got yourself a hit.