#1
I have no idea what i was on when I wrote this, but it sticks in my head.
Any help on taking it further?


-------------------------------

Here you sit,
inexplicably,
pouring black water on my head,
from a jug labelled scorn.
I wish I could retaliate,
but my capacity for scorn-pouring pales in comparison
to yours.

My jug is more a thimble,
and I'm already soaked.

You're smiling blandly now,
and bandying phrases around in a vain attempt to
quicken my pulse.
An emotional retard?
Is that all you have?
Clever lass.

The black water congeals into obsidian custard.


---------------------

Cheers =>
#2
Hey cous

Here you sit,
inexplicably, this a bit off rhythmically, especially with the comma after it. Look at the definition of scorn: open or unqualified contempt; disdain – an object of derision or contempt, it's hard to understand how someone could feel that way about you without you knowing why, so I'm not sure about this line
pouring black water on my head,
from a jug labelled scorn. this is a neat image
I wish I could retaliate, retaliate's a cool word, but it might be a bit awkward for flow, maybe not
but my capacity for scorn-pouring pales in comparison
to yours. this is awkward, not really sure how i'd rewrite it and keep the same connotations

My jug is more a thimble,
and I'm already soaked. soaked by the other person's? Or by yours, or? This seems a little ambiguous

You're smiling blandly now,
and bandying phrases around in a vain attempt to weird line break, and it's really wordy
quicken my pulse.
An emotional retard? these two questions are rough on the flow i think, and I think they're a bit awkward in the ideas they convey and how you're phrasing them. The second question almost seems like you're “calling her out” or starting an argument, though maybe you're asking for a more thorough and less insulting explanation of the person's emotions – again, ambiguous.
Is that all you have?
Clever lass. I would guess that you don't think you're the emotional retard that this girl is saying (i'm assuming this is about you and a girl, correct me if i'm wrong, but the point(s) still apply) you are. I'm not saying you are, but nowhere in this are you expressing yourself. You spend time saying you don't understand her reaction, and you spend time saying you're “nice” (not retaliating), but that you wish you could – so which is it? You either understand and forgive, or you understand, don't forgive, and wish to retaliate; or you don't understand, don't forgive, and do/don't want to retaliate. Anyway you claim it is, you've got them mixed together a bit here. Why would you want to retaliate if you're abilities to do so are 'thimble' sized, implying you aren't someone who does so? Ah, up until now i've been assuming the 'thimble' means you don't want to retaliate, though it just occurred to me that you may mean you can't or don't know how – it is that?

The black water congeals into obsidian custard. neat image, though 'custard' really doesn't fit – i'd find a similar word that...isn't custard haha. Phrases like “vain attempt” and “clever lass” are a bit condescending, and that's not helping your case with their (implied) accusation of you not trying effectively to fix whatever it is. I think i'm probably probing too much into what this is about, but it seems like you've got to work that out more before worrying too much about how it reads. I can't comment much more on it without more detail :s Anyway, there's some interesting imagery here, and i'd like to have you explain it to me a bit hope this helped?

Iain
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
Ha yes it certainly helped =>
it definately isn't finished so its great to get someones opinion on it.

Its a piece essentially about a girl i know who is rather a massive hypocrite and i spose my reaction to a conversation we had. I spose the reason the writing is a bit up and down is because when i wrote it I was completely incensed.

Cheers for all the guidance on flow, im still kind of finding my feet in that aspect of writing

The thimble bit is like, I have not the ability or firepower to fight back, if you get what i mean. Kind of like she has a jug of attack and I've only got a thimbles worth to come back with.

hehe not sure how to change the custard line.
Obsidian creme anglais?.... Praps not =>


cheers for the crit, i can return the favour if you wish =>
#4
Quote by Cous Cous =>



Cheers for all the guidance on flow, im still kind of finding my feet in that aspect of writing


hehe not sure how to change the custard line.
Obsidian creme anglais?.... Praps not =>


cheers for the crit, i can return the favour if you wish =>


Yea I figured that's what it was about haha, and hey, there's about 2 things you can do about this girl: you either admit that the reason you only have a 'thimble' worth of ammunition is becuase you've made a lot of mistakes in the situation and/or it's mostly your fault, or you admit to yourself that she's really not worth your time. There are more than 6 billion people on Earth, and when people are being that difficult and offering little/nothing to you as a reason to be near them, it's easy, better for you emotionally, and more productive to say “next”. Why waste time on someone like that?

For the flow: always read your writing out loud to yourself and listen to how it sounds. This is the easiest way to tell if you've got the line right or not. If you're not sure what to look for, read some famous poetry out loud and see the difference in rhythm from theirs to yours. Examples:

http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Robert_Frost/robert_frost_stopping_by_woods_on_a_snowy_evening.htm
is an ok one, or maybe...
http://poetry.poetryx.com/poems/784/
or one from our little community:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showpost.php?p=12668740&postcount=41

as for the custard bit, i'd stay away from food haha. Put up a revised version!

ah, and don't worry about a return crit
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour