#1
everything i desire
is wrapped up around a finger
of a mother figure
tied in with god
one who i still don't understand

less than a lover
more to discover
guessing games
play constantly on my mind
what will they say when
everyone can see my view
little less too draw upon
its as good as it gets here
so maybe i got to move.

dear family,
my throat through which i breath
is sliced up more than that poor womens body
covering more ground than i ever did in a night
a hole up in the woods
dug for me by the things i can not see
so we rest with our mistakes
me and mom
reciting what ifs
till nothing ever gets done.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
Is the title of the thread meant to be the title of the song? If it is, I feel I must tell you that you spelled "definitely" wrong. Normally, I wouldn't correct spelling just to be a jerk, but I thought it'd be helpful this time.
#5
thank you. spelling and grammar do not matter in poetry, or at least mine. i just believe it gets in the way of the raw material, the words.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Quote by freshtunes

Slopy grammar, lol Nick.


everything i desire
is wrapped up around a finger
I think dropping the "up" will say the same thing, same image, with less. Which is, well, the Orwellian approach to construction of ideas, I guess. It works too. See what you think.
of a mother figure
tied in with god
I like the wrapped up/tied continuiity here. Conveys that knotty, stomachy feeling you get (jealousy/love/nerves), and also maybe brought about a confused perspective.
one who i still don't understand

less than a lover
more to discover
Not sure I particularly liked these lines. Just seemed a bit out of tone with the rest of the piece. Seemed wishy-washy too; it didn't say much, didn't speak out to me, you could probably leave these two lines out and still have a strong, decent piece. Just start the stanza at guessing...
guessing games
play constantly on my mind
what will they say when
everyone can see my view
little less to draw upon
it's as good as it gets here
so maybe i got to move.

dear family,
This juts out, almost a change of style, with the direct address and rare punctuation. Not sure if it juts out in a good or bad way, though. Certainly a little distracting imo.
my throat through which i breath
Redundant. A throat, duh, you breath? Meh.
is sliced up more than that poor woman's body
covering more ground than i ever did in a night
a hole up in the woods
dug for me by the things i can not see
so we rest with our mistakes
me and mom
reciting what ifs
till nothing ever gets done.


I wouldn't say a brilliant read, I prerer it when you're a little bit more rock n roll with your ideas and phrasing.

More sentimental and deeper than others though, I dare say. Solid but messy execution though.

Ta Nick.