#1
In-between Reno and Tucson death is your helping hand
As a burnt out filter floats upon the sand
The roads felt truncated, even though you've got nowhere named home
While Graham and Damon mutter, "this is a low"
Howling wind distorts merciful radio words
Greedy finger tips scavenge what was once her's
Searching for wealth in a purse like a vulture
Traveled along the Pacific relying on a counter-culture
It was ever since it began to become a trend
Learned its love was only on lend.

As he preached nonsense
To make a living off of peasant's last cents
As he stared through the devil's grin
He was vacumed in
"Who was the crook?"
Asking for the meaning in that binded leather book.

In-between desolation row and the dusk,
Gripping onto a bottle like when one fell in love with lust
The clouds have pierced an imagination
While the tongue is furious with hesitation
A mind once that was praised
Now the burning during a protestor's haste
"These words have remained,
Even as everyone's meaning to them have changed"
Beginning to feel this pen and brain have abusive relations
At the same time, static occurs over public financed stations.

As he preached nonsense,
To make a living off of peasants last cents
As he stared through the devil's grin
He was vacumed in
"Who was the crook?"
Asking for meaning in that binded leather book.

In-between loneliness and alone,
Even with numerous contacts listed in the phone
Where popular and artistic never earned a lick,
Cramped over a fire lit with a watered stick.
Rooms no longer furnished of finer linens and gold
Spent nights at Inns where sincere warmth felt of cold
Positioned between roadsmen and living dead
As flirtatious demons fight restless in a head
But as you drove past the edge,
Praised "O, Lord" to arise in a seaside villa bed.

As he preached nonsense
To make a living off of peasant's last cents
As he stared through the devil's grin
He was, all but, vacumed in
"Who was the crook?"
Asking for meaning in that binded leather book.
#2
This was an interesting read. There were a lot of lines which struck a chord with me as you created some cool dichotomies. For example, I thought that line, "Gripping onto a bottle like when one fell in love with lust" was a very clever line. However, there were times when I felt like you were forcing these dichotomies. The lines "Cramped over a fire lit with a watered stick" and "Spent nights at Inns where sincere warmth felt of cold" felt like you were trying to insert these clever opposites, and unfortunately, they didn't sound natural.

I thought the chorus, if this is a song, was very well-written and I kind of interpreted a possible play-on-words with the word "cents" in that it could be either cents or sense. I thought that was clever. There was obviously a lot of religious connotations in the chorus but you kept the verses very cryptic which I thought was a smart choice. While the chorus definitely gives you a lot of clues to the song's meaning, the verses force you to think about them. I still haven't cracked the verses open yet, but I'm gonna keep trying.

The last thing I would suggest would be to maybe switch up the rhyme scheme a little bit as the AABBCCDD rhyme scheme throughout a song of this length can come across as redundant.

Other than that, I really liked this. Great writing. Also, thanks for commenting on mine. I appreciate it.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jul 30, 2009,
#3
this was a good read, it was...for lack of a better word confusing and all I got out of it was something dealing with religion haha I agree with SubwayToVenus though some of the lines did feel forced and the rhyme scheme was somewhat redundant anyway thanks for the crit on my pieces and sorry if this wasnt that helpful
#4
Actually, this piece has very little to with religion. It is really about a person who had been living on a trend sort of like a Fred Durst kinda of person than realizes when that has faded that there is nothing left. He is riding to the edge of his "life" or sanity because the fame, money, women, etc has gone away. He was never really too special or had too much talent besides riding the wave of that specific trend.

The religious references are mostly about needing something to believe in so turning to god or some spiritual forces. Second, how he has pretty much lied and came up with fake promises or words to sell upon "fans" who do not know much better.