#1
This is a post-hardcore/Melodic metalcore song that I wrote, and I need some pointers.

I wrote this all withing 5 minutes, remember that, no real rhyming structure.


Verse: (Screaming)
As my hands tie behing this rope,
I see the pain from strange eyes.
A good man down they say,
but never a medal put around his neck.
It all proved to be worthless, unseeing,
non existant, uncaring,
and it wasn't the coughing that carried him away,

but the coffin that carried him home.


Chorus: (Maybe clean vocals?)
Suspended into clouds,
watching from down below,
unheard words never spoken,
and unspoken words were always heard the loudest.
Expressed now too late,
the trenches from the see,
leaving nowhere to breathe,
except where I dream.
Unfinished buisness left again.


Verse 2:
And as we keep our anger concealed,
we find just to feel the life again.
It crumbles our thoughts and feelings,
ruined under pressure,
and always wondering from where i've been,
to where i'm going to go above.
And we go out of our way,
for your limelight,
Your 15 minutes of fame, but a lifetime of despair.


Breakdown: (Talk the lyrics during breakdown)
And a man that jumped off this bridge has left a note, stating that if one person smiles at me during my fateful walk down this bridge, I will not jump, and I will cherish life for as long as I may live.


Chorus: (Maybe clean vocals?)
Suspended into clouds,
watching from down below,
unheard words never spoken,
and unspoken words were always heard the loudest.
Expressed now too late,
the trenches from the see,
leaving nowhere to breathe,
except where I dream.
Unfinished buisness left again.


Outroish thing: Don't think of me as your failure,
Don't think of me as your mistake.
Only pray to your statues that you can be strong,
even when it all seems to fall down beneath your face.

(Do outro for two times)

During second repitition of outro, background vocals:

It wasn't the coughing that carries him away, but the coffin carrying him home.

(Do until song fades out)


Yeah, theres my song, any pointers for it?
Yeah.
#2
Quote by Boats99
This is a post-hardcore/Melodic metalcore song that I wrote, and I need some pointers.

I wrote this all withing 5 minutes, remember that, no real rhyming structure.


Verse: (Screaming)
As my hands tie behing this rope,
I see the pain from strange eyes.
A good man down they say,
but never a medal put around his neck.
It all proved to be worthless, unseeing,
non existant, uncaring,
and it wasn't the coughing that carried him away,


but the coffin that carried him home.
"As my hands tie behind" sounds really odd here. Maybe "With my hands tied with this rope"? Who's strange eyes? needs a bit better wording, I'd go with "in strange eyes". I see the meaning of the 3rd and fourth lines, but they don't seem to fit well here. 5th and 6th lines don't fit well, what is "it"? "worthless, unseeing, etc..." seems like your just listing off random negative sounding adjectives. "It" is unseeing, and non existent? Doesn't seem quite right. Last two lines confuse me, especially after the 3rd/4th. Man down and Medal yell "Soldier" at me, but "the coughing that carried him away"? I'm just not getting it

Chorus: (Maybe clean vocals?)
Suspended into clouds,
watching from down below,
unheard words never spoken,
and unspoken words were always heard the loudest.
Expressed now too late,
the trenches from the see,
leaving nowhere to breathe,
except where I dream.
Unfinished buisness left again.
First two lines could be good, need rewording though. Maybe " Suspended in the clouds, watching those down below"? How could they be heard if not spoken? Like the rest of it, see it being pretty good.

Verse 2:
And as we keep our anger concealed,
we find just to feel the life again. "we find just to" seems odd... I'd put "we find it"
It crumbles our thoughts and feelings,
ruined under pressure, sounds a bit forced...
and always wondering from where i've been,
to where i'm going to go above.
And we go out of our way,
for your limelight,
Your 15 minutes of fame, but a lifetime of despair.
Like the rest of this, sounds good


Breakdown: (Talk the lyrics during breakdown)
And a man that jumped off this bridge has left a note, stating that if one person smiles at me during my fateful walk down this bridge, I will not jump, and I will cherish life for as long as I may live.
I don't like the repetition of bridge, needs a different word


Chorus: (Maybe clean vocals?)
Suspended into clouds,
watching from down below,
unheard words never spoken,
and unspoken words were always heard the loudest.
Expressed now too late,
the trenches from the see,
leaving nowhere to breathe,
except where I dream.
Unfinished buisness left again.


Outroish thing:
Don't think of me as your failure,
Don't think of me as your mistake.
Only pray to your statues that you can be strong,
even when it all seems to fall down beneath your face.
I quite like this bit

(Do outro for two times)

During second repitition of outro, background vocals:

It wasn't the coughing that carries him away, but the coffin carrying him home.

(Do until song fades out)


Yeah, theres my song, any pointers for it?



Sounds pretty good, just a bit confusing in the first half.
Keep it up, apologies if I didn't get anything
Overall great for just five minutes, with work it could be a ton better
Drink the sauce. Go on, it's okay. Just remember, I am the quest.

Quote by illuminatiano
YOU ARE A NO GOOD LAZY FORGETFUL STONER WITH NO FUTURE YOU ARE WORTHLESS TO SOCIETY
#3
Quote by Bubbles203
Sounds pretty good, just a bit confusing in the first half.
Keep it up, apologies if I didn't get anything
Overall great for just five minutes, with work it could be a ton better


Thanks haha.

I see what your saying on alot of it.
Yeah.