#1
I'm red in simple, imperfect lines across my chest.
Actors and extras provide washed out color
between a volatile sky and dirty cement
dotted with little plastic suitcases; their price tags in gold wrappers.
Let it all go with your liver still clean,
Jump, react, dislocate a shoulder.
But its alright, I'm from Florida.
(Where going north takes you further south.)
And then I realize love is only delayed hopelessness,
What else could she have whispered to my ear?
Everyone heard it but me.
Those lips are mine, I saw them first.
I saw them first.
I saw them first.
Hope she peels away with my sunburn skin.
#2
Quote by Thomasoman
I'm red in simple, imperfect lines across my chest. I would put a comma after 'red'. I would guess these are wounds, am I right?
Actors and extras provide washed out color
between a volatile sky and dirty cement I think you could improve this by giving two contrasting adjectives to the sky and the cement, make sit more powerful
dotted with little plastic suitcases; their price tags in gold wrappers. nice image
Let it all go with your liver still clean,
Jump, react, dislocate a shoulder.
But its alright, I'm from Florida.
(Where going north takes you further south.)
And then I realize love is only delayed hopelessness,
What else could she have whispered to my ear? I didn't understand how the sequence of events earlier led you to realize this
Everyone heard it but me.
Those lips are mine, I saw them first.
I saw them first.
I saw them first.
I didn't really like this part. It wasn't as clever as the other lines in the poem, nor did it add to the storyline in my opinion. I don't see why "I saw them first" has to be repeated, or what 'them' is. I may be just misunderstanding the poem though.
Hope she peels away with my sunburn skin. I like this image, it concludes with the Florida image created earlier, as I think of Florida as being quite sunny.



Pretty good, I enjoyed analysing this much.

I have a piece called "Arrow come, pick me out" on the first page of the S&L forum, if you'd like to visit it.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian