#1
I'm reduced to a face on the wall,
framed and pretty,
and we're sitting in a straight row,
waiting to be picked out
by a stray arrow
I think intended.
One of us
rises out of file,
and I follow appropriately behind,
just between
first and last,
the place where all clueless people dwell,
and that's where you'll aim at.



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Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#2
This tripped up once, with the line "I think intended". It tripped the flow and also, I have no idea what it means. Well, I think I know what it means, but it's horrible grammatically. Apart from that, this was snappy, fast, flowed well, and the end was satisfying.
#4
I think it trips up the flow too. Can't find anything to replace it at this moment though. It means that the stray arrow may have an intention behind it, like random acts of natural disasters or coincidental events that one feels there may be a reason behind.

do you have a piece you would like me to crit, kdownes?
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
I'm about to whack up the second part of my short story in a few hours or so, so you can read that if you wish And call me Kyle, everyone else does.
#6
Sure thing, Kyle
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#7
I really enjoyed this. I personally interpreted it as an interesting take on the role fate plays in our lives. Sometimes you wonder if a string of events was meant to happen for some greater purpose or if they are completely coincidental, if they were 'intended' or if it's as full of chance as being hit by a stray arrow. And what else I thought was poignant about this was the line: "just between / first and last, / the place where all clueless people dwell" because as much as we rack our brain trying to figure out if our lives are destined or if we have free will, we truly will never know the answer. We'll be perpetually bombarded by arrows and we'll be none the wiser if they are 'our arrows' or a stray one that could've hit someone else.

Great writing. It was short, sweet, and powerful.
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
Very interesting read. It's got that vague thoughtful feeling to it, but without assaulting the reader with trendy but unnecessary images. I dig the vibe, not much more I can say. Good job and thanks for checking out mine.
#9
I like the way you seemingly made one sentence "confusing" to reiterate a point made.

New avatar. I never did know what the fuck other one was about. I assume your newfangled pride 'n' joy is about robbing and devouring pink bunnies?
#10
thanks for the comments guys. If someone wants me to crit a piece of theirs, please do leave a link.


that is the playboy bunny in various shades of flashing pink, and the former one was of a fox in a santa-claus suit, because it was christmas back then. I would never rob or devour a rabbit, ever.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian