#1
Break wings to free my body from the web.
drag trailing double tails back home,
there, I'll mature a while,
and regrow what hanging like a star has broken.

What is this glue that I sniff under the table,
that sticks together my artistic expression?
I dizzy up my synapses and pass out,
leaving a cold body twitching in the centre.

A swirl of white clouds hands above my head,
frothing and colliding like bumper cars in the sky.
I grease the floor with glue – it makes us high,
we can now drive like true maniacs.

What am I without a passable failure,
without a double-edged blade to cut through
both sides of my flesh?
A single-edge blade.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 31, 2009,
#3
I'm with Zach. While this had a lot of your usual power, it felt like you were flexing old, unused muscles. This is a good thing. It's good to see you writing again.
#5
I read this last night, but I was way too tired to crit it. Now...well, I'm still exhausted, but I'll try my best.

The first stanza is definitely a good way of grabbing the reader's attention, and I like that it's a seemingful return to how you used to write. I loved it on first read, but on second, the last line doesn't make sense. A hanging star? Broken? Ah, maybe I'm just a narrow-minded dolt.

The second stanza is better than the first stanza for sure, and I can understand it better. The idea is so...interesting. Memorable.

Onto the third. Again, I like it, but I'll nitpick. I think that "true maniacs" seems slightly awkward. If you left out "true" it would seem slightly blunter, but in a good way, as well as conveying a bit of irony to the reader.

And at last...the last. At risk of sounding a bit cheesy in regards to how you refer to blades here, I thought that this was the dullest stanza. If you're not a double-edged blade, you're a single-edged one? It's just a bit simple. Here is where you need to go really complex, or really simple, just to end the poem on a high note or low note, instead of just...a note.

Still, I like this considerably more than many of your more recent pieces that I've glazed over since I returned.
#6
i agree; the ending metaphor is a little bland and uncoordinated.

i'll also try and change the "true maniacs" segment.

i'm glad to be writing again, even if the feelings that writing brings about are not as desired. but thanks a lot, folks.

if anyone wants a specific piece critiquing, don't be afraid to tell me.