#1
Hi guys
this is a song I wrote a while ago. my friend read and gave me some tips etc. any suggestions or comments would be appreciated a lot. thanks. Yes, I know it is kinda long.

So much rain has fallen
my mind has gone numb
cold as the ice in my heart

the dark clouds have gathered
washing away the tears
as they flow from my eyes

you've left me in the rain
my heart can't see in the darkness
but it can hear the thunder
which reminds me of your name

the howling wind, the lingering shadows
telling me that life goes on
but i lost my life when i lost you
and the rain washed it all away

(chorus)
now that you've left me and gone
my world has been taken over by the rain
now that you've left me and gooone away
there's nothing in this world for me but pain...

how the rain has poured
though I've tried to sleep through the storm
the chill seeps into me
as I stand here looking at your grave

i remember the weather that day
the fateful day when i lost you
the black clouds had gathered then
just as they have gathered now

there was you, pills, and vodka
and then nothing but empty bottles
i remember that, as you slept,
you whispered you loved me

i remember only one of us waking up
damn, that one was me
i remember seeing your face
thinking you were fast asleep

now that you've left me and gone
my world has been taken over by the rain
now that you've left me and gooone away
there's nothing for me in this world but pain...

too much rain has fallen
I'm standing here drenched and cold
a chill runs down my spine
as the wind whispers your name

your name is etched in stone
and i wish--how i wish--
there was another stone
with my name on it

the fire within me
was lost in the darkness
and died in the rain.
i need your sun
to light it again

(solo)

now that you've left me and gone
my world has been taken over by the rain

now that you've left me and gone
my world has been taken over by the rain
now that you've left me and gone
my world has been taken over by the rain
now that you've left me and gooone away
there's nothing for me in this world but pain...

(fade out)
Last edited by RedSpecial93 at Aug 1, 2009,
#2
Interesting, it held my attention for it's length, which even short sad songs seldom do.

I could imagine this as musically kin to Metallica's 'Fade To Black' or The Offspring's 'Gone Away'.

The best parts were those which I felt would be open for Kirk Hammett-esque guitar parts/lines (after each of the three-line intros and choruses)

I dislike the mention of pills and vodka, as it generally makes a song sound contrived to me (Motion City Soundtrack anyone?)

Your command of the language you use is good, but if I were to write it I'd add in some phrases that you don't hear everyday to make it more interesting

Not the sort of lyrics I'm into generally, but I can't fault your execution. 8/10. Well done.
#3
Hey thanks for the critique.
Don't really like Metallica so I can't really say thats what I had in mind.
The vodka and pills part? what would you suggest i do with it? remove it? change it?