#1
she said you could be my valentine
as long as I can be your wine
and you drink me up until you're drunk
on my spirit

well sure she was lovely and bubbly
but my heart was not really in it
so i said that I had leave
it was a lie, and rather pathetic

she said can you be my victoria wood
and make me laugh - like I understood
what becoming a female comedienne would do
when it came to improving fellatio

she was the secret answer
and I was the question

and it's best if you don't ask
or you'll regret it

I was the spider spun up in his own web
she was the newspaper swatting freely
and with a twist of his wrist it seems like God
was aiming to kill me

and like a stick of chewing gum to the shoe
to my soul she was already glued
and no amount of scraping could prise off her hands
it wasn't that romantic - though it was pretty dark anyway

she was the secret answer
and I was the question

and it's best if you don't ask
or you'll regret it

previously she was a pole dancer
and boy did she get it

buddy it's best if you don't ask
just jump ship now
#2
she said you could be my valentine
as long as I can be your wine
and you drink me up until you're drunk
on my spirit
I disliked the last line of this.
There were several good things that happened because of it.
But all of these things added together created something unpleasant.
For my read, at least.

The line is short, so it brings a lot of attention to itself.
You're clarifying on the previous, that it's her soul that will intoxicate
You have a metaphor.
You also have a homonym: spirit.
Soul, or alcoholic drink. Lovely, really.
In itself, somewhat amusing that the metaphor and homonym played together.
But that line is so bloody short, it almost screams: LOOK WHAT I DID THAR!
imho, it would make the read smoother if the last line was longer,
or if you changed spirit to soul or essence or something.


well sure she was lovely and bubbly
but my heart was not really in it
so i said that I had leave
it was a lie, and rather pathetic

she said can you be my victoria wood
and make me laugh - like I understood
what becoming a female comedienne would do
when it came to improving fellatio

she was the secret answer
and I was the question

and it's best if you don't ask
or you'll regret it

I was the spider spun up in his own web
she was the newspaper swatting freely
She short I was / she was sentences got a bit predictable at this point.
You could change it up a bit by dropping was and replacing it with a comma.
Turns them into declarative phrases, rather than sentences.
Changes the voice a lot.
Maybe you'll like that. Or maybe not-so-much.

and with a twist of his wrist it seems like God
was aiming to kill me

and like a stick of chewing gum to the shoe
stick sounds out of place here.
I hear wad.

to my soul she was already glued
and no amount of scraping could prise off her hands
Not sure what prise means.
Typo or does this mean something in the UK?

it wasn't that romantic - though it was pretty dark anyway

she was the secret answer
and I was the question

and it's best if you don't ask
or you'll regret it

previously she was a pole dancer
and boy did she get it

buddy it's best if you don't ask
just jump ship now


This is the Jamie i've grown to love.
Taking an uncomfortable topic
and talking about it ... comfortably.
Meadows
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