#1
'cause i'm such a damn tease Part Three of my story will be up soon, I've actually finished it all, I'm just building suspense c4c.

Inertia

"What are you doing here?"
"Hm?"
"I said, what are..."
"I heard what you said."
...
"Well?"
"Well, what? I live here."
"Lived, don't you mean?"
"Should've changed the locks, honey."
"Don't call me that."
"Sugar? Babe?"
"Stop it. Why are you here?"
"I told you, I live here."
"Wait...What's that?"
"What, this?"
"Yes, that."
"Gun."
"Gun."
"Yes, gun. Hand gun. Pistol."
"I know what a gun is."
"Pea-shooter."
"I get it. Why do you have a gun?"
...
"I said..."
"I heard what you said."
...
“Mark.”
“My house, I can have a gun if I want.”
“What are you doing?”
“What do you know about physics?”
“Physics? What are you...?”
“Kinetic energy.”
“Kinetic energy? Mark, have you lost your mind?”
“When I pull this trigger, a small spark lights a small amount of gun powder, creating an explosion that forces the bullet out of its chamber, through the barrel, where it is acted on by the Law of Inertia...”
“Mark, put the...”
“...which states that an object will continue to travel until it is acted on by an opposing force, such as your body. So, simply, when the bullet hits your body, the kinetic energy inside the bullet is transferred out of it, and into you. It’s really rather exciting.”
“Mark.”
“Newton’s Third Law states every action has an equal and opposite reaction, Sandra. Every action. I’m just following the laws of physics.”
“Mark, don’t, please...”
“Don’t hate me, hate Isaac.”
#2
this built up surprisingly well. i thought some of the dialogue was slightly iffy...

"Gun."
"Gun."
"Yes, gun. Hand gun. Pistol."
"I know what a gun is."
"Pea-shooter."
"I get it. Why do you have a gun?"

I'm pretty sure she would've reacted more irrationally and fearfully than that... and also;

“Kinetic energy? Mark, have you lost your mind?”

the last question seemed misplaced - poorly timed.

other than that... i really enjoyed how understated this was. didn't bother with a backstory or a definite conclusion, but placed you square in the moment and forced you to take what was said and really consider it. i enjoyed this a lot.
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#3
I agree with Snowblind that what I enjoyed most from this piece was the lack of background and ending. All that we are given to work with is this brief moment in time, a snapshot in these two peoples' lives. You were also able to develop a story beautifully through the subtext of the piece. Notably the line, "Should've changed the locks, honey" answers a lot of questions about these two people and essentially you put lines and lines worth of background details into just one sentence. The way you economically built up this story was very impressive, in my opinion.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Wow, thanks everyone, really wasn't expecting so much. Umm, Fred, I wanted to write a piece that used nothing but dialogue, just to see what would happen. Zach, it's not so much a lack of emotion on her part, as a kind of disbelief. I didn't want her to have an immense amount of depth, I wanted her to appear almost as nuts as he is, but in a more clinical, detatched manner. Also, I wanted the focus on what he was saying, less so her reactions.
#9
its got good intention with the whole story telling but i'd have to say there is too much dialogue, it kinda sounds like a script to a play rather than lyrics to a song. get some kind of rhyme scheme.
#10
Quote by wyoming_soldier
its got good intention with the whole story telling but i'd have to say there is too much dialogue, it kinda sounds like a script to a play rather than lyrics to a song. get some kind of rhyme scheme.


I know that it's been said a billion times, but I'll say it again. Not all of the people on here just write lyrics. I actually laughed a little at "rhyme scheme."

Well, Kyle, I think that this is great. I like the dialogue a lot, even the bit about "gun," because it conveys the delayed bluntness and near insanity of the male character.

However, I really, really, really dislike the bit about kinetic energy. It's just way too...bland. For what I've come to expect in this situation. Like, you couldn't figure out how to transfer into the "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" bit and went with a definition from a physics book.

Overall, though - it was definitely enjoyable.

C4C in my sig, if you'd care to.
#11
I was pretty entertained, but it feels more like a screenplay, not a piece of poetry to me.

EDIT: Felt like adding a bit, since that statement is not much of comment

I really like the creation of the male character, good sense of detachment. The quotations were distracting to me, and like I said, this would read better in a screenplay format to me. It tells a good story, but the overall feeling (and why I'm referencing film so much) I get is that it could benefit from imagery (actual images). The whole thing could be really great coupled with an actual visual story to match the good dialogue.

Ok I'm really rambling now, time for bed. I still enjoyed it Kyle, I'm just out on a weird tangent right now
Last edited by rush4life at Aug 2, 2009,
#12
this is the most mundane, uninspired, and completely unoriginal piece of writing I have seen you produce. the simple definition of a poetry exercise as oppose to a poem. I felt the detachment of the writing and your own self-adressed apathy towards the piece was a slap in the face of me taking the time to read this. This was clinical, but not in the way you wanted. this was boring. i can tell you have never known either of these characters. I can tell you had nothing in your head or your life that urged you to write this except a vague desire to write. all that creates is words, not poetry.

Sure, I have no right to question your legitimancy of when or what you write but if you are actually content writing something this shallow and lazy then thats what you will be stuck writing and i don't want that to happen. I'm surprised and upset that this has gotten so much praise as if this is the piece you should be reaching for.

for whatever reason, this whole situation just turns me off, in addition to your "everything i do in a piece i do for a reason and i know exactly what you're talking about because thats what i wanted to do in the first place" mentality that makes it seem like you're in perennial control. I mean, come on, your intro to this was the most pretentious "this is my world and you're all just actors in it" statement I have heard in a long while.

I am drunk off my gord. I am going to go drink some more. either way, I guess i'm in the minority on my thoughts on this so feel free to ignore all of the above.
#13
Drunk Dylan makes sense.

I didn't feel anything when reading this. No attachment to either character and nothing that I could relate to. I strained to find something in it to grab on to (which the reader shouldn't have to do anyways) and I couldn't. None of it seemed very inventive and really all that I took from this is that you know some physics.

Writing with strictly dialogue can be an interesting challenge, but for it to work there needs to be some things that I didn't find here - characters that we care about, a relatable/plausible situation, and an interesting topic. There was nothing in the first half that made we want to read the rest, I only did so out of a sense of duty; the fact that there was a gun wasn't enough.


Sober Steve
#14
I see exactly what they are on about; but I felt the not knowing anything added a mystique that intrigued me; (I've seen Dylan write this before, just check my old I=mdv piece).

However, steve, his physics... while correct in some form is also quite off. It's so simplistic and honestly, incorrect if you actually know the physics (correct from a "non-physicist" point of view) that that part bothered me more than the rest of the piece combined. Was going to let it go, since no one called it out as being "knowing physics" but I couldn't after you said that.

I still felt like this was an interesting piece; even though, like they said... it lacks a contact point for readers or any "emotion." Yes, they were stock characters... but stock characters can still show an interesting situation. This is a jump off point, a place where I feel you possess the skill to tell stories in this manner... but really need to hone it down more. Still felt it was interesting and "different" enough to receive praise, even if it doesn't reach a quality level that we normally expect from you.



quite suddenly in sig needs loving. I'm curious to see what people think, its one of my personal favorites because it just captures my syndrome so well.
#15
Not really diggin this....
The dialogue seems a bit too weak for a classic ex murder scene, not to mention a bit confusing at times.
It was a neat idea, but it could've been done better
#16
this isn't interesting enough to sound so unnatural and still be intriguing

the exchanges like gun gun yes gun and a lot of other places didn't sound believable at all and it didn't have the quirkiness to pull this off as going for another angle.

detatched and desperate and the emotions that you sound like you mean to say aren't very visable because the dialogue doesn't sound inspired and doesn't really imply very much as to the scene, setting, tone, voice, etc. Detatched to the rest of the world indeed but there lacks the voice to make it sound like the characters are and not just the writer.

Don't mean to be too harsh. Just the bottom lines of my thoughts on this right now.
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Park that car
Drop that phone
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