#1
the second poem in the "Kind of Blue" series:


Freddie Freeloader


in between the clicking of heels on the cobblestone outside
and the tapping of raindrops upon the window of this bustling cafe,
i can hear the splashing of paints
as the artist in my mind brings color to my memories.

the virgin canvas is dashed with a bantam gold
and my feet dip deeper in the sand
on the shore of a hushing lake,
while the rocking of the lingering waves on my body
push me gently back and forth.
I feel our fingers waltz with one another
and when I catch your brown eyes,
the sun kisses the gold in them.
I listen closely to the water
and hear it sing to me;
such cadence and timber in its voice.
every subtle breath that it exhales
glides effortlessly in my direction,

as a shadowy blue is launched from my artist's brush,
the same blue that grandma's eyes held
before they ran away from me.
it was the kind of blue that flirted with blackness,
the kind that caged beasts of a faraway mind,
creatures that you never thought you'd see up close.
and i saw their razor eyes and rapier teeth
as massive paws brought the entire solar system to a halt,
just for a moment
until they were gone.
and then all that exuded from a tranquil queen,
were ribbons of love for all her subjects,

and then a sanguine red dresses up this work-of-art,
like the flow of your gown as you descended the stairs
on the best night of our lives,
with my hands coolly sweating in my pockets,
and my face beaming like the headlights of the bus
that we rode on our way to the ball.
the electricity of our conversation strengthened
an evergrowing spark,
and the exchanges of heat solidified
an eternal flame,
one that could never be doused by any flood
or quieted by any gust.

a slight draft from the opened door hits my back
and my artist steps away from his masterpiece;
an amalgamation of colors,
a beautiful mess is all it is.
you give me a kiss and sit down across from me,
flashing a smile.

i think i'm the only one who gets the picture.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
Mmm that was very relaxing.
MM Stingray
MIA P Bass
MIM Jazz Bass
GK 700RB-II Head
GK 410SBX Cab
Sansamp 3 Ch. DI
Crybaby Bass Wah
Bass Big Muff
DD3 Delay

MIA Strat
Nashville Tele
Martin 00015M
Hot Rod Deluxe
Big Muff
DS1
Hendrix Crybaby Wah
#3
This one was one hundred million times better than the original piece you wrote. I read through twice, couldn't find one complaint. This is the level all the pieces should be at.
Last edited by kdownes at Aug 2, 2009,
#4
This hit a slump just after the first verse, where it began to feel a tad repetitive and floaty.
It's not that I think you are cocky (quite the opposite) but a sense of "trying too hard" can often set in when poetry is overused, when uncomplimentary "nonsense", that feels filler-ish and indulgent, sneaks in.
In other words, personally, the less poetry is used, and the more poetry is used, the better. Your choice of expression was so clichéd, in a poetic sense, that I couldn't help but feel like I was being treated like a clown. Not overtly so, but enough to deter me from loving this.
It's still certainly very good, and you're probably at the pinnacle of your abilities (and what you've posted) at this present time. But I think you need to try something with more grit and grime. Lose a few of those repetitive metaphors and do what the fourth line in the second-last verse did: punch me in the nose.
I understand, though, that that particular point/segment wouldn't be anywhere near as emotive if it didn't have a particular backdrop to accompany it and to lead it in, but I still think you need to condense those floaty metaphors into something more concise and desperate.
#5
I'll be back to actually critique this when time is less pressing (sometime this week).

I'd like to congratulate you, first off... and then add that you've brought a refreshing level of "newb" to board. Been a while since we had someone come in as strong and thorough as you. Hope you stick around a while.



congrats.
#6
Miles Davis is awesome. Congratulations, I meant to comment on So What, but I've been busy.
#8
You remind me of me, when I was just starting out. Though you're stronger than I was, I spent my first five or so pieces trying to rip off various other writers on the forum. Please stick around, not only are your pieces great, but you're a brilliant critter too. Congratulations, good to see a newb up here.
#9
Wow. Usually I just skim over your pieces and find little interesting or lasting value, but I actually really liked this. The imagery is touching. Not to mention, your vocabulary actually enhances the piece. Usually, I feel like the use of words like "amalgamation" would de-humanize a piece, but in this case, it made it feel more real. My favorite stanza is this one:

as a shadowy blue is launched from my artist's brush,
the same blue that grandma's eyes held
before they ran away from me.
it was the kind of blue that flirted with blackness,
the kind that caged beasts of a faraway mind,
creatures that you never thought you'd see up close.
and i saw their razor eyes and rapier teeth
as massive paws brought the entire solar system to a halt,
just for a moment
until they were gone.
and then all that exuded from a tranquil queen,
were ribbons of love for all her subjects,


It just exudes emotion. Keep writing, I'll keep an eye out for your pieces from now on.
#10
Thank you to everyone for the kind words. I'm honored by this.

and i'll definitely be sticking around. I came onto this site to read poetry and lyrics from kids my age as well as share my own and I've been overly impressed by the quality of writers here. thanks again for this
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 2, 2009,
#11
i like this style, a lot. it's been a long time since i've done a full critique, so i'll apologize in advance. i'll be putting something new out (finally) within the next few days, if you could return on that.
there's a nice quality about the words you use in this poem, i really enjoyed that-- but the way you connected them together could have been better.
Quote by SubwayToVenus

Freddie Freeloader

in between the clicking of heels on the cobblestone outside
and the tapping of raindrops upon the window of this bustling cafe,
i didn't really read anything after these two lines when i decided to critique it, they are really lovely lines and a great opener. i do think that the 'and' beginning the second line can be cut-- it's poetry, you can relax the mechanical aspects of grammar a little bit, as long as it's clear, which it is.
i can hear the splashing of paints
this is clumsy. 'the splashing of paints' is too passive, too unimportant and tells nothing-- there's more to say about the sound of paint splashing. intensity, speed, rhythm-- my suggestion: "i can hear paints splashing ______" (for your descriptor) just one word can do so much to the poem.
as the artist in my mind brings color to my memories.
i don't really like this line very much. but, it does what it's supposed to. weakens the stanza. "the artist in my mind", it's too clumsy again. "my mind's artist"? something better, i'm sure you'll find the right words somehow.

the virgin canvas is dashed with a bantam gold
strong words after a weak opening. 'virgin', 'bantam', 'gold'. it could be toned down, something more subtle. as it is now, it's a bit jarring.
and my feet dip deeper in the sand
into
on the shore of a hushing lake,
while the rocking of the lingering waves on my body
you can cut both 'on' and 'while'.
push me gently back and forth.
gently push me? a suggestion
I feel our fingers waltz with one another
and when I catch your brown eyes,
i always have a crisis when describing eyes, it's always somehow either cliche or vague. 'brown' is vague. maybe something more accurate, you really have to do something powerful when you bring eyes into the picture.
the sun kisses the gold in them.
lovely, but shouldn't it be "the sun kissing", because of the grammatical structure here? it throws the flow off a bit for me.
I listen closely to the water
and hear it sing to me;
such cadence and timber in its voice.
every subtle breath that it exhales
clumsy wording again. the 'and', 'such'. 'in its voice' are just too wordy. cut a little bit, enjoy it more, be a little more colloquial-- words like 'cadence' and 'timber' are fine, but putting 'such cadence and timber' makes a wall.
glides effortlessly in my direction,
wonderful

as a shadowy blue is launched from my artist's brush,
cut the 'a', very clumsy diction with this whole mind's artist thing. a bit abstract for my tastes.
the same blue that grandma's eyes held
before they ran away from me.
cut the 'before they ran away from me'
it was the kind of blue that flirted with blackness,
nix 'it was'
the kind that caged beasts of a faraway mind,
creatures that you never thought you'd see up close.
and i saw their razor eyes and rapier teeth
as massive paws brought the entire solar system to a halt,
just for a moment
until they were gone.
and then all that exuded from a tranquil queen,
were ribbons of love for all her subjects,
too much for me. you lost that understated concrete description in the first stanza i loved so much. it didn't hit home with me, these lines. 'paws' can't bring a solar system to a halt. try something fiercer, stronger. even so, i don't really like anything except the solar system to a halt. i loved that. everything else though, i could do without.

and then a sanguine red dresses up this work-of-art,
like the flow of your gown as you descended the stairs
on the best night of our lives,
with my hands coolly sweating in my pockets,
and my face beaming like the headlights of the bus
that we rode on our way to the ball.
the electricity of our conversation strengthened
an evergrowing spark,
and the exchanges of heat solidified
an eternal flame,
one that could never be doused by any flood
or quieted by any gust.
i really don't like any of this. i like the concreteness of the gown, but not this gust and flood-resistant eternal flame. it borders on cliche, and is definitely clumsy. is this tone really one you could see yourself reading? i don't know how you speak, but maybe you aren't being colloquial? if this is meant to be a storybook tone, then that has definitely reduced its power, for me.

a slight draft from the opened door hits my back
and my artist steps away from his masterpiece;
an amalgamation of colors,
a beautiful mess is all it is.
you give me a kiss and sit down across from me,
flashing a smile.
i like this. "is all it is" is unnecessary.

i think i'm the only one who gets the picture.
a blah ending, the artist that is in this piece never really struck me. i enjoyed it, i hope you won't take it too personally. the ending is a bit too dramatic, too obvious. this is in combination with the tone in the second half and a bit too strict of an adherence to mechanical grammar-- the reader is uninvolved in many parts of the piece. i do love the words you use, especially in the beginning stanzas, they flow, they're strong, and just right. but, there are other spots that could have that, but don't.



well done and congratulations.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Aug 5, 2009,
#13

as a shadowy blue is launched from my artist's brush,
the same blue that grandma's eyes held
before they ran away from me.
it was the kind of blue that flirted with blackness,
the kind that caged beasts of a faraway mind,
creatures that you never thought you'd see up close.
and i saw their razor eyes and rapier teeth
as massive paws brought the entire solar system to a halt,
just for a moment
until they were gone.
and then all that exuded from a tranquil queen,
were ribbons of love for all her subjects,

and then a sanguine red dresses up this work-of-art,
like the flow of your gown as you descended the stairs
on the best night of our lives,
with my hands coolly sweating in my pockets,
and my face beaming like the headlights of the bus
that we rode on our way to the ball.
the electricity of our conversation strengthened
an evergrowing spark,
and the exchanges of heat solidified
an eternal flame,
one that could never be doused by any flood
or quieted by any gust.


Those two stanzas were easily the weakest link in this piece. It was starting to get to the point that the execution was becoming stale and repetitive... and you just didn't have enough flavor or spice in them to liven things up. The bounce of a "new style" had already worn off... as had the newness of the "red like a..." thing. i also hated the way you brought up grandma's eyes and then never really gave us more to that effect. You bring up one personalized image in the whole piece... and don't stress it... don't make it stick out. It felt like you used it to "tug at hearts" because... god-damnit, everyone loves a grandma, but you did nothing with it and really cheated what could have been a convincing and lovingly done image.

This is elegant, there is no doubt about it... but be wary of falling into the trap of repetitious elegance... there comes a point where its "too much." Like when an interior designer "over does" a room... it just starts to fall apart to the eye and feel a bit tacky and "trying too much." This was on that border, the language control was amazing... but almost losing the forest for the words.

Still lovely, can't wait to read more from you. I'd love to see what you could do with content that isn't so passive and "slow." With your control of language, a "aggressive" or fast-paced poem could sink ships, me thinks.