#1
Your eyes reflect the slow decay
As vitality is lost and colour fades
A decrepit stray wonders town
A withered wretch among wretched hounds



My eyes reflect what was before
What once was but nevermore
Like lost Lenore, like a broken plate
Shattered for good, it’s no good, it’s too late



As time turns wine to water
Erasing miracles, turning birth to slaughter
A daughter stealing her mother’s face
Growing ‘to it as the other wastes



A mighty rock turns to dust
Succumbing to time, as we all must
And trust in faith to save our souls
As we rust into dust and decay in a hole



Falling to pieces as time takes its toll


Just like the plate we can never be whole


We rust into dust and decay in a hole


C4C
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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
Last edited by Eggmond at Aug 2, 2009,
#2
Your execution of expressing your idea and making it convincing is spot on I think. I especially like these lines:

Quote by Eggmond

A daughter stealing her mother’s face
Growing ‘to it as the other wastes


I'm not too sure about "decay in a hole" at the end though, it seems a bit forced compared to the rest of your rhyming, which otherwise flows naturally.
I wasn't sure about the reference to the plate at first either but it grew on me. I think it works well now, especially when you reference to it later on.
But yeah overall I think it's really well done




#3
I enjoyed this. I thought the theme of time's effects on people was well executed. There were several parts in this which struck a chord with me. I thought the third verse/stanza was very well written. The connection of "erasing miracles" through turning "wine into water" was a very depressing and humbling thought, as was the idea of us turning into our parents ("A daughter stealing her mother’s face"). Finally, you concluded profoundly with the idea that death is the great equalizer. In the end, we'll all be stuck decaying in a hole.

Just a few suggestions I'll give you. Some of the rhymes you used, while they made sense, did not come off as natural which kind of detracted from the piece. For example, I thought the water-slaughter rhyme in the third verse sounded a little forced. Water is a hard word to rhyme with though.

That leads me to my second point, which would be to consider switching up your rhyme scheme a tad. Four verses of the AABB scheme can come across as repetitive. All I think you need is one verse in there to change it up. Just my opinion though.

Other than that, I really like this. Well done.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Thats some pretty deep stuff. I like it.

Great rhyming and word choice, though in places it didn't seem to flow very well.

Your eyes reflect the slow decay
As vitality is lost and colour fades away


Like, right there it could probably just as easily be "As life is lost and colour fades away" or "As strength is lost and colour fades away". Y'know? It's a little wordy in places I think.

I liked the allusion to the old nevermore poem about the crow perched on my chamber door and how I miss my lost Lenore.

As we rust into dust and decay in a hole


^^ that seems to run on a bit... maybe just change "into" into "to" and it could flow better. Really, I don't know how this is meant to be said or sung so it could flow excellently the way you have it. This is just the way Im reading it and interpretting it.

Other than some seemingly wordy issues it's a really solid piece. Like SubwayToVenus said, it's a humbling collection of thoughts and that's very appealing to me. Good work!

C4C? Thank ya.
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#5
I agree with the others on a few of the phrases running on a bit. The last lines of the 2nd and 4th paragraphs kind of knock me out of the flow of the piece but other than that it's all very well worded! Good job
#6
Subway speaks for me, to be honest. Nothing to add or detract from what he said. Well, maybe reiterate.

As time turns wine to water
Erasing miracles, turning birth to slaughter
A daughter stealing her mother’s face
Growing ‘to it as the other wastes


Best stanza, imo. It's rather humbling and an interesting way of thinking about your subject.

And the rhyming gets on my nerves here, just the fact that it's so constant and repetitive. Still, it was a fun piece to read.

C4C Moose(s) in my sig, despite its oddity, if you please.
#7
Like, right there it could probably just as easily be "As life is lost and colour fades away" or "As strength is lost and colour fades away". Y'know? It's a little wordy in places I think.


the line in the poem is actually as vitality is lost and colour fades
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial