#1
So apparently when I listen to too much of a band, I start to rip off their songwriting style. My apologies to Craig Finn.


we'd drink around fires that burned between pillars
of the ruins and dreams of the town's founders.
gaze out at the wastelands as smoke
hovered over the treeline.
if someone was looking for action
that place was a gold mine.
it was the graves of our fathers
that brought us together
where kids would grow up
and only-children found brothers
in the glow of fire pits
that lit up their bottles of liquor.

they'd talk about leaving
but they all end up settling
they'll long for the city
but die old in the country
they'll never know how perfect they have it
in that burial ground
where they learn their bad habits
Last edited by rush4life at Aug 6, 2009,
#2
and only children found brothers

this line confuses me. and only?

otherwise I loved this. It's just a good detached tone that lets the reader relate to this very deeply. It evoked an image without actually describing that image. I think you did a very nice job with this, the action goldmine section was the only other part where the wording faultered.

Good stuff. Sollid writing.

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#3
It was a reference to an "only child", with no siblings. I think I made up a new phrase or something.

Thanks for the comment!
#4
Well, for one, the title sure is rather lame. If I were you, I'd attempt to come up with a new one, just because I automatically started this off with a negative impression. (Good on how it resembles The Hold Steady's songs though, you'll do well in the mimic comp )

The first stanza made me lighten up a bit on my first impression, as it had some creative ideas and good flow. The language makes it rather hard to connect with though.

The last stanza, however, made this piece worth critiquing. It's a very deep truth that most people don't think about, and though it was slightly depressing, I still managed to enjoy it.

Overall, you do an excellent job at evoking an image in the reader's mind. If you don't care much about connecting with the reader's own experiences and mean this to be a vivid poem, this did the job very well.

I've got Stars in my signature, if you'd like to take a look.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Aug 6, 2009,
#5
Definetely a Craig Finn style to a T. The only things I would consider possibly revising are the lines:
-but they all end up settling
-they'll never know how perfect they have it.

I found that using the phrase "end up" drew me away a little from the flow and the other stanza was a bit too cliche. I think you could easily say the same thing a different way, only a little revising.

Overall though, awesome job dude.
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#7
Quote by rush4life
It was a reference to an "only child", with no siblings. I think I made up a new phrase or something.

Thanks for the comment!



ahh ok. I still think it's a little clumsy sounding as is, but it does make sense.
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Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
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#8
Maybe if you put a hyphen in "only children" it will make it more clear what you mean. I don't know.

This was good though. I enjoyed it.