#1

Zach, I'm having an anxiety attack.

oh love, this is why I sleep better during the day.
At night the bad comes out
people twist
morals change
love is hate
hate is sex
sex is lust
love is lust
at night you live for the moment
you turn tricks
you sell pills
you murder
and steal.
life becomes a labrynth
of emotional peaks
a quantum cross section
of lost souls defining themselves in
the latest advertisement
the newest fad that the news anchor
swears will make you look less fat
more popular
and increase your sex appeal
night is night
day is peace
light is happy
light is sexy
forget to hide
live in day
live as you
no make up
no fake up
just you
no bullshit
just breathe slowly
oh love, this is why we're sleeping with the light on tonight.
#2
This kind of reminded me a bit of Radiohead's "fitter happier". I liked the content, and the kind of twisting of the words "love is hate, hate is sex" to lead the reader somewhere. I didn't like the line "no fake up", it just sounded like you were going for a similar sounding to the last line and not very inspired.

Other than that, I enjoyed the mood, and I tend not enjoy the kind of pieces that are really short and line breaky like this one.
#4
Quote by ZanasCross

Zach, I'm having an anxiety attack.

oh love, this is why I sleep better during the day.
At night the bad comes out
people twist
morals change
love is hate
hate is sex
sex is lust
love is lust
I think this is over the top. The repetition compounded this.
at night you live for the moment I don't like the cliche in this piece. here and in others places.
you turn tricks
you sell pills
you murder
and steal.
this is solid
life becomes a labrynth ---- you mean labyrinth right? little spelling slip up I suppose
of emotional peaks
I'm kind of looking for something that implies there is a labyrinth is made by the emotional peaks. yeah it works like this but there's kind of a nice subtle image of weaving between emotions if you talk about it as a physical labyrinth instead of just a rush of things.
a quantum cross section
of lost souls defining themselves in
the latest advertisement
the newest fad that the news anchor
swears will make you look less fat
more popular
and increase your sex appeal
night is night
day is peace
light is happy
light is sexy this line sounds too silly
forget to hide
live in day
live as you
no make up
no fake up
just you
no bullshit
just breathe slowly
cliche is back. It doesn't help you. It's too amateur sounding.
oh love, this is why we're sleeping with the light on tonight.
I think it would be better if you took out the "this is why."



I don't know why you would go for the whole blunt love is hate tone. It doesn't hold interest because it's too inefficient to say much more than is right there on the page and that isn't that intriguing.
moments of hope in this. but the bulk didn't hold up.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 4, 2009,
#5
I didn't like too much the breakiness and disjointedness of the lines, it read like a series of words, instead of words that give across an idea or an aimage. Because I felt like I was reading a list of words, I couldn't quite understand the meanings of every word, instead it passed on like a blur, because I can't quite imagine a voice behind this.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#6
This had a different feeling than your usual writing, it was soft in a way, even though it was harsh in content, the delivery seemed calm, like teaching a child how to behave, stern but with good intent.

I liked the beginning more. It was more like an actual conversation, but coming up to the labyrinth line, it became a bit preachy after that. I also felt like the last part, between "sex appeal" and the last line, was a bit redundant. Perhaps if you changed up the structure a bit it would have added some more urgency and a different texture, but falling back to the lines breaks from the beginning of the piece was a bit bland.

Saying all that, this is one of your pieces that I found easier to connect to, it had an emotionally propelling force behind its lines and a different, unique kind of feeling to it.
This is not a pipe
#7
Nice job, I enjoyed that.

My favourite part was:

"a quantum cross section
of lost souls defining themselves in
the latest advertisement"

Clever and true.
MY DESIGN/PHOTOGRAPHY TUMBLR
Quote by SEALSniper1152

If you take a jar, and whisper what you want to hate into it, then close the jar, coat it in crunchy peanut butter, and shove it up your ass. I'm pretty sure you could hate everything after that.
#8
I'm sorry Zach, usually I really enjoy your pieces, as you seem to convey ideas in a way that no one else can. But this really bored me.

You always seem to have such emotion in your pieces, but this didn't have that. You seem to always have wit and twists of word-meanings in your pieces, and this just didn't have that. The tone is so detached and unrealistic.

It was too stale for me. Keep writing though, I enjoy your stuff a ton on here.